Discussing Infidelity, someone asked me this question “Let us look at the scenario of someone who is playing smart with his/her extramarital affairs? A case study of a woman who discovered her husband’s extramarital affairs. What should be her next wise action? Meanwhile, the husband in question is making provision for his family except that he can’t simply stick to his wife only”.

I know that the issue of infidelity is really affecting many marriages/ relationships, so I thought of writing the answer to this question to help others in the same situation or those seeking to confirm their suspicion of their Spouse cheating on them.

You know there is a saying that one man’s food is another man’s poison. Regarding this case study? One major question for the woman is: What do you what? I do hear some ladies say “As long as their Husband is taking care of them and the children, they have no problem with his infidelity act”. This statement is often born out of low self-esteem and lack of self-worth. Deep down, these women really wish they could be their husband one and only desire (everybody loves the idea of being special and being treated specially). This statement is often altered from women who are yet to discover their value, emotionally and psychologically traumatized. In a way to leverage and disguise their true feelings in public, they use this statement.

So we need to ask the woman what she wants. It is important we know her school of thought before taking any further steps. If she belongs to the above party, all she need is to discover herself, value herself, love herself and know her worth (She needs to be healed emotionally and find peace within herself first).

If the woman does not belong to the above school of thought and wants a complete man; we can then proceed with our discussions, even though it is really a big issue to deal with. Most marital problems genesis is right from when the couples were in courtship/ relationship; they ignored their instinct and just get married and complain afterward. Whatever you don’t like in your Partner, if it is not dealt with before you both get married, then it will continue to reoccur (it won’t change) and any attempt you make to change it because you are now married will lead to great dispute, at times home breakage/ divorce. This is because your spouse cannot understand your sudden attitude or reaction since you do accept that specific character/attitude from him/her before you both got married. Your spouse will always tell you “you know that I am like this before you married me”. That’s it (end of discussion). More than 70% infidelity cases started right from relationship/ courtship (Well! That’s a topic to be discussed for another day).

To expose and address a partner hiding his/her extramarital affairs, it takes wisdom, diplomacy, and well-skilled actions.

I will give you six (6) steps on exposing your partner’s infidelity act.The success of these steps is dependent on your level of wisdom, diplomacy, maturity and intelligence.

1. Caught in the act: The most important step worthy of discussion is to catch him/her red-handed. Hmm! Someone will say HOW? This is why you need intelligence; you must not let your spouse know of your plan.

Play your game tight! Having just suspicions or non-concrete evidence can be denied by your partner, but ‘caught in the act” can’t be denied. When I say ‘caught in the act’, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you must be the one to discretely investigate your partner in order to catch him/her red-handed. You could employ the services of professionals e.g. Cheaters.

If you should catch your partner in the act, don’t barge in and start raining insult or causing trouble within that location. (This may work for some people, but is not the best way of conflict management). This type of problem should be treated with diplomacy, in a systematic way and with a high level of intelligence, especially if your partner is not a complete ‘jerk’ and you still want the marriage to work. Make sure that you have a “valid evidence/ fact” e.g. video, picture (anything digital).

2. Right timing: Wait for the moment when you know your partner is most relaxed and then raise a discussion about infidelity.

Make up a story or a case study for discussion. (Only those that are diplomatic can wait until some other days (timing) when their partner is relaxed before they talk about their partner’s infidelity. This is because the scene of ‘caught in the act’ alone will stir up anger (boiling over 100oC) and feeling of the betrayer, that makes you feel like trampling and squeezing the traitor at that instance/ moment. If you are not diplomatic in nature, you can skip step 2, it’s very much understandable).

3. Confrontation: confront him/her (get your partner by surprise). His/her statement/ submissions about the infidelity case study you raised (in step 2) will determine your means and direction of confrontation.

From experience, I discovered that those guilty of infidelity are always the ones that are quick to judge others and disapprove of their infidelity act. Step 3 process is centered on using your partner’s words against him/ her. Note! Make sure to confront your partner during the moment she or he least expected, that was why I said when s/he is well relaxed. With that, your partner won’t have ready-made lies; you will see him/ her stammering and saying more than 10 different words/ statement within a minute. If your partner denies, show your partner the evidence (this is the best part). S/he will have no reason/ justification to deny again. The truth is out already.

From experience, I discovered that those guilty of infidelity are always the ones that are quick to judge others and disapprove of their infidelity act. Step 3 process is centered on using your partner’s words against him/ her. Note! Make sure to confront your partner during the moment she or he least expected, that was why I said when s/he is well relaxed. With that, your partner won’t have ready-made lies; you will see him/ her stammering and saying more than 10 different words/ statement within a minute. If your partner denies, show your partner the evidence (this is the best part). S/he will have no reason/ justification to deny again. The truth is out already.

4. Listen to explanation: Yes, always listen to your spouse explanation even if you think it’s not needed. The effective value of communication is to listen. Hear your spouse out. Yes, I know you already have evidence of infidelity in your hand, but just listen to whatever he/she has to say.

I have heard and seen different cases of infidelity of which it was just a setup or a trap. What you saw might not be what really happened, so don’t be too quick to judge. Even if you haven’t heard/seen cases of set up, at least I believe you watch films and must have seen it happened several times in the movies. And you will agree with me that in such cases, the marriage would have been saved if only the partner could listen to his/ her spouse explanations.

5. Confirmation: Now that you have listened to the explanation your spouse has to say, process the explanation and conclude if the explanation is just an excuse or a fact. or habit.

Even the bible says we should find out/ prove everything and hold fast that which is good/ true.by going through a thorough procedure and firm reasoning.

6. Make a threat: Before embarking on this journey of confirming your spouse infidelity, if you still care to work things out in your marriage, you must plan for the best (reunion) and prepare for the worse (separation for a while or total separation ‘divorce’). Since you are prepared for the worse, make a threat to leave him/her and if you sense ‘sincerity of change’ and ‘willingness to make things work’ with your partner, then you both can apply methods of making the marriage work again.

Your threat, if well administered, will work for your good. If your partner values you and can’t cope with the thought of you leaving him/her, especially knowing fully well that the fault is from him/her and not you, your spouse will also be more than willing to work things out with you in the marriage. But the question is: Are you a person worthy of value? If you are not of value, I will advise you just the same way I will advise the lady that her husband cheats on her, but still provides for the family (case study), to stay in your current situation since you have no value. What you need is to heal your emotions by finding yourself so that you can know your worth and the value you deserve.

Let me summarize the steps scientifically, starting with the hypothesis:

• Hypothesis: Have your suspicions about your spouse.
• Experiment: get your samples for experiments. Put your acts together and work on catching your spouse red handed “caught in the act”
• Result: Produce evidence of your experiment “caught in the act” e.g. videos, pictures, messages (preferably digital evidence)
• Conclusion: After listening to your spouse explanation, and from the result (evidence) in your hand, draw your conclusion after film reasoning and situation analysis
• Theory: From your conclusion, you can state the theory of your spouse case of infidelity. Do you want to stay and continue with your marriage or you want to check out
• Law: Make the law! If you want to check out, go ahead and issue your spouse a divorce letter and If you want to work it out, go ahead and tell your spouse the Do’s and Don’ts of your relationship, accepted by you under your own terms and condition.