Okay, let’s do a quick thought experiment, shall we?

Anyone can do it. The only things you need are a few minutes of your time, a quiet space, and an open mind.

Once you’re set, all I want you to do is think about the following question:

Why is it so hard to not think about a blue elephant?

I don’t want you to think about his big blue feet, his long blue trunk, and his baby blue eyes. Whatever you do, I strongly urge not to picture a blue elephant or even to hear the sound the elephant makes when he get excited. Or maybe the sound he makes when he’s feeling blue… Don’t think about it, please!

So, what just happened?

Were you able to NOT think about this blue elephant, even though I clearly instructed you to not think about this blue elephant?

It’s okay. Most people are that way, and here’s why.

We can’t think about something we don’t want to think about, without having to think about it first.

Let me repeat that.

We can’t think about something we don’t want to think about, without having to think about it first.

Let try it out, shall we?

Don’t think about a peach. A nice, juicy, ripe peach. Don’t think about the beautiful colors, how soft the fuzz feels in your hand, or how sweet it tastes in your mouth. Do NOT think about a peach.

Also, do not read these words. Don’t look at them. Don’t hear them in your mind…

It’s weird, isn’t it? The more I ask you to NOT read them, the more attention you pay to them.

This is because our mind has problems processing negatives. It works like this. When I ask you to NOT think of a blue elephant, you have to FIRST think of that blue elephant, and than cross it out in your mind. So, we instruct our brain to focus on something before we ask it NOT to focus on it. But no matter what we do, we’re still focusing on it. It’s like an ear worm we can’t shake.

Wouldn’t it be much easier if we were to focus on the things we want to focus on, instead of thinking about what we don’t want to think about?

So, instead of a blue elephant, why not think of a gray elephant? And if we can’t focus on a peach, why not think about a nice juicy apple?

Unfortunately, this is not how most of us are raised. Our moms and dads instruct us NOT to touch this or that. “Don’t touch the stove. It’s hot.” As a little kid you don’t even know what hot is and why you should avoid it. “Don’t cross the road!” What does a child do in order to process that command? It has to imagine crossing the road first, and if you’re impulsive like most kids are…

Now, you know as well as I do that as soon as you make a rule, people are inclined to break it. If you have your doubts, ask Eve and Adam. It’s as old as mankind. When you see a sign that says: “No trespassing” have you ever wondered what it would be like to explore the area behind the sign?

With the best of intentions parents plant thoughts into children’s minds and wonder why they’re not listening. Instead of “Stay with me” we say: “Don’t cross the road.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the words: “Don’t be nervous. What’s the worst that could happen?”

Don’t think of a blue elephant… It’s like we’re conditioning ourselves to do the very thing we should avoid. “I don’t want you to lose” says the coach to the team. “Stop overeating” says the doctor. “I don’t want to get fat” you tell yourself. “I don’t want to be rejected,” “I don’t want to fail,” “I don’t want to embarrass myself,” “I don’t want to get sick.”

Another thing people say is: “Don’t forget…” You’re telling yourself to forget something! How about: “Remember this or remember that?”

Sometimes we tell ourselves these messages so many times, they become a self fulfilling prophecy. Why? Because it’s a case of classic conditioning. The more you do something, the easier it gets and the faster we’re able to do it. They are like unconscious shortcuts in our brain.

So, how do you get rid of this conditioning? It’s actually pretty easy!

Did you notice that I didn’t say: “This is going to be hard and it will take a long time?” That’s one of those other and very popular limiting beliefs.

Step one is awareness. You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Start with the people around you. Listen to the way they speak. Are they primarily focusing on what they want, or on what they don’t want? For instance: Does you teacher say “I don’t want you to make that mistake again” or does she say: “I’d like you to do it this way next time and find out how well this works. I know you can do it! You’re a fast learner!”

Next, I’d like you to pay attention to the way you talk to yourself. Do you tend to think in limitations or in possibilities? Are you usually moving towards the things you want, or away from the things you don’t want? Are you acting out of fear or out of confidence? Do you tend to imagine things the way you want them to be, or do you like to pick the worst case scenario?

Acknowledging your patterns gives you the power to change them. People who smoke have the hardest time to kick the habit because they constantly tell themselves they should not smoke. Don’t think about a blue elephant.

Part of the solution is to picture yourself as a healthy person with clear lungs and a fresh breath. I’m not saying this is going to turn a smoker into a healthy person overnight… but it certainly helps counteract self-sabotage.

So, if you catch yourself thinking things you don’t want to think, or saying things in a negative way, know that you can turn those things around by thinking about what it is that you DO want, and state that in a positive way. Imagine them in a positive way, and say them to yourself in a kind tone of voice. 

What you focus on, tends to magnify and becomes something you attract. Positive thoughts bring positive results, but like with plants, you have to give them enough sunlight and water to make them grow. Some people use positive affirmations, visualizations, gratitude journals, mind maps or vision boards to help them focus on what they want. Whatever works for you.

But dreams are not enough. The universes rewards action, not intentions. You have to start acting “As if.” If you lack self-esteem, act as if you have self-esteem. If you’re fearful, do at least one thing every day that used to scare you a little.

Start small, by the way. Give yourself a chance to succeed and make sure you stay safe. For instance, if you don’t find it easy to make eye contact, just pick one person who seems nice, and see if you can make eye contact. And when your eyes meet, smile. Next day, pick two people… you get the idea.

But before you do, imagine a positive response. Of course you can’t manipulate people into doing what you want them to do, but if you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’re guaranteed to get the same outcome, right?

Also, be realistic. Not everything will work out the way you want it to work out. It may even be better and exceed you expectations! And when it doesn’t, you keep on going, and going, and going. Remember, you are unlearning an old habit and are learning a new one.

I know you can’t control the world, but you can influence the way you see it and the way you live your life. That’s the ultimate freedom. The freedom to chose what you focus on, what it means to you, and how you respond.

Now, how’s that blue elephant of yours doing?

If you prefer a video version of this blog, here it is!

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