The meta behind this post: HTWFAIP is one of those timeless classics that needs to be read, and re-read again and again, because of the value it will add to your life if you apply even a small part of it. The book outlines a few simple, core principles which in hindsight seem like common sense, yet the truth is that very few of us rarely apply these principles when trying to get what we want from other people.

HTWFAIP was written by Dale Carneige who started as a public speaking coach in New York in 1912, but his classes gradually developed into training people’s ability to deal with other people, rather than public speaking. After decades of work, in 1937, Dale Carneige wrote his seminal work, HTWFAIP, which has since had countless updates and remains an all-time classic. It is as valid today as in 1937, because it deals with human-nature type issues which are timeless.

“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are Interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it”.

The main lesson – Talk in terms of your prospects interests

There are many lessons in HTWFAIP, ranging from leadership and management to how to approach conflict, how to motivate people, etc. I’m not going to delve into the particulars, (seriously, you need to buy the book), but I will touch upon the Main Lesson in HTWFAIP, which is this: always find out what your Prospect is interested in and focus on that rather than what you want. Then – magically, you tend to get precisely what you wanted to begin with. Dale Carnegie lists endless real life examples of this rule.

Whenever you ask for a raise, or negotiate your rent, or ask a prospect to become a customer, Dale Carneige Emphasizes a smarter way of asking for things: to make your prospect excited about what you want through finding out what they care about and talking about how you will help to achieve that.

“Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get somebody to do something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash”.

The key is not to barge in and force your prospect to comply through verbalizing your frustrations, but to talk to him/her in a way where they would actually feel enthusiastic about getting you what you want.

“First arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way”.

How would your prospect benefit from doing what you wanted? (Eg. Purchasing your product or raising your salary). How does what you want, converge with what your prospect wants? Because Carneige emphasizes that everyone is the same, everyone has a strong interest in their own desires and a marginal interest in everyone else’s. But most people, me included, tend to ignore this and heedlessly demand that my needs be fulfilled now. How often do we truly see things from the other’s point of view? Empathy is tough. It takes work.

Escaping the limited domain

Take a moment and ask yourself, perhaps when typing the next email: do you care at all what the other person thinks or cares about, or do you simply drum down your demands on your keyboard with little or no care about the receiver’s point of view? Well, then ponder that the person receiving such an email shares your outlook: now how likely is it that your demands are going to be met? Stop and ponder this for a moment, and those feelings of entitlement, when you unconsciously boast “my needs should be fulfilled, just because I say so”, when simultaneously showing little or no interest in the world outside that Limited Domain which is your mind. I challenge you to take a step back and picture the world from the eyes of your prospects, if just for one minute. What do they care about? What makes them tick, and most importantly, what excites them? Then write the email.

Some short lessons:

Remove the word “but” when giving criticism, use the word “and”.

Try to excite those around you.

You have a millisecond to catch someone’s attention: go straight for the benefits rather than talking about yourself. In fact, talk about yourself at a bare minimum, because few people outside your immediate family cares.

Give honest praise to people around you.