This 35-year-old woman and her 35-year-old fiancé are supposed to get Married in just three months, but she’s beginning to have major doubts about whether she should go through with this.
She and her fiancé spent 1.3 years dating, and they have been engaged for the last 10 months. 5 months ago, she moved from Oregon to Virginia to be with him, and she instantly noticed that his behavior began to change.
“We are both in high-powered fields with demanding schedules (he’s in software, I’m in healthcare). He upholds values where he is to be seen as the man of the house, the provider, the primary decision maker, and the wife is to listen and support his work,” she explained.
“In our fights, he said he does not respect or care about my work, his work comes before mine and wants me to support his work and his vision. I need to ask him outside of the fight if he truly believes in this power dynamic or if he said this in the heat of the argument. I am currently applying for jobs.”
“He gives me a list of things I should do, and if I have a problem with it, he gets very frustrated, gives his reasoning, disregards mine, and ultimately makes the decision for the both of us. He also said things like if I don’t want to listen to him because he is the man, I should move back to Oregon.”
She also has realized that he likes to jump to the worst possible case in arguments, and he also likes to yell, cut her off, and not listen to her.
Their fights last for hours and happen pretty frequently. Another thing that bothers her is that her fiancé likes to dictate what she can wear and how often she can spend on her laptop prior to bedtime, and he also makes her diet and exercise on certain days of the week.
He’s incredibly controlling, and he only started making these crazy rules for her after she moved in with him.
She’s concerned about what new rules he’s going to come up with when they’re married for a couple of years.
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She’s also about to start a new job that will require her to bring work home to complete some evenings, but her fiancé wants to put restrictions around that.
She feels not valued and not treated well in this relationship, and that’s giving her cold feet about walking down the aisle.
“I am losing confidence that this marriage will work for us, especially if we have a child and the increasing responsibilities this will bring,” she said.
“I told him I left my family, friends, and job behind to move here and this was a sacrifice I made. He said he doesn’t see my uprooting as a sacrifice as I could easily pack up and go home. The true sacrifice would be when I have a job here, married him, and have had a kid.”
“He sees my sacrifice as his equivalent of spending 35k on the ring. He was divorced before and Sought Counseling before (his main reason being issues with relocating to a new city his then ex-wife disagreed with, but if they did counseling, I worry if the reasons he sought counseling are for the issues listed above in our current relationship).”
She finally told him about her concerns about getting married, and he requested that she think about this for the next month and then let him know if she really wants to call it all off.
He stated he doesn’t want to lose her, and so he will do everything it takes for their relationship to work.
In the meantime, their wedding invitations have been put on hold, and she’s conflicted about what the best thing to do is.
Although her fiancé is making changes to his behavior in a positive way, she’s not convinced he can keep it up after they get married. She’s worried his negative behavior patterns will return.
“Redeeming qualities: He says he loves me, he spent 35k on the engagement ring that he financially struggled to pay off,” she continued.
“He put in 40k towards wedding expenses, which he says is the bride’s family’s responsibility, but is willing to help out. He takes me to the clinic when I’m sick. He lets me choose where to go on date nights. He is flexible with cuisines when eating out. Takes trash out/carries heavy objects and groceries. Cleans bathroom, toilet, does dishes. Makes long-term plans for an apartment, concerts, games, etc.”
Do you think she should follow through with getting married or call off the wedding?
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
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