At the start of my blog I decided to share with you my experience and opinion on my current readings in leadership, management, business coaching, and personal development and will suggest books, podcasts and articles which I think might be useful for you. 

Just recently read a No. 1 bestseller “The Happiness Project,” Basically it’s a practical guide book teaching you “how to be happy“. 

It inspired people — especially, but not only women — to shed bad practices and develop far better ones.

The 2009 book launched Gretchen Rubin Inc., which encompasses more titles, book sales of 3.5 million, a community-sourced app (Better ) and a podcast (Happier) that has been downloaded 70 million times.

The odd title of the book also has a story. Her friends warned her that the title was terrible, she recalls, and the book wouldn’t work because “either you’re so boring nobody cares, or you’re so idiosyncratic no one will identify with you, both of which are true.” She was right.

Who is Gretchen Rubin?

Gretchen Rubin is a controversial public figure for me, a former editor in chief of the Yale Law Journal and clerk for Supreme Court Justice.  But after only a few years, she quit the law with zero remorse and became a thought leader on inner growth.   When she was in her 40s, Gretchen Rubin tackled happiness as a project. As she claims, she was happy. But she wanted to be happier.

Our author Rubin is a rich white lady living in the upper east side of Manhattan, NY with her two girls and her (as she described) gorgeous rich husband, Jamie, a private equity fund manager. Rubin’s office is on top of her building’s roof, adorned with paintings of bluebirds, the logo for her happiness books.

I actually still could not decide if I respect or hate this woman. If you check her books, you will either love or hate it. And you cannot ignore it.

The Four Tendencies

Her background is in law, not psychology, but two years ago Rubin published “The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People’s Lives Better, Too).” She calls her theory “the most major insight I felt I’ve had in my whole life.” 

Rubin, of course, is an Upholder (the others are Questioner, Obliger and Rebel). An Upholder honors both outer and inner expectations — while other people maintain lesser habits like cake and sloth.

In writing “The Four Tendencies,” Rubin didn’t feel the need to consult psychologists. 

“The thing speaks for itself,” she says, sitting before one of two working fireplaces in her book-lined living room. “I really see myself more like someone like Samuel Johnson,” the 18th century man of letters, “like not that I would compare myself to Samuel Johnson but like someone whose observations are penetrating because they’re true.” 

Nevertheless, this little test is so attractive that I used to show it to my clients and this offers a great opportunity to talk about how we respond to inner and outer expectations, and probably can reveal some topics we can work on during the coaching session. Eventually, it’s a good game that sparks ideas when making some self-reflection. (you can checth the quiz on this link) Still, remember the lack of scientific baground.

Why Self-Help?

Rubin never uses the term “self-help,” though her books are labeled as such. In 2021 Rubin launched two online courses: one on happiness, the other on her four tendencies. About 10,000 people enrolled. She’s massively successful – and earned lots of money.

She is posting often on Facebook and LinkedIn. I just want to leave you with a good example of quick happiness tips:

Make it tidy

While researching “Tendencies,” she jotted down notes for “Outer Order, Inner Calm,”  which is a collection of more than 120 random tips and aphorisms, though mainly it’s about clutter. Yes, clutter. 

Best to address the Kondo in the room: In a KonMari method-mad world, do we need another book on clutter? And, isn’t producing another book on clutter a further act of clutter?

“If there’s a book that’s been hugely successful, it’s usually a sign that people are really interested in the subject,” says Rubin, a passionate fan of the tidying Netflix sprite. Marie Kondo has a specific method and order, Rubin says, whereas “I feel there’s no one way to clear clutter.”

I think it would be a topic of another post why such authors are so popular – writing on very profound techniques on how to get rid of our own shit. I think clutter only has very indirect relationship with your own happiness. If you can think you can get rid of your social pressure  of consumerism, try minimalism – but be aware it’s probably not enough for your happiness.

Happiness Project Year

Gretchen Rubin, this woman with a bizarrely charmed life, decided to spend a year devoting each month to a “theme” designed to make herself happier and then write a book about it. The whole thing smacks not only of a calculated stunt, but also of the sort of “list” approach she used for her breathtakingly trite book on Churchill. Regardless, any reasonable person would wonder why this woman was worrying about how to be “happier” than she already was with her husband, two healthy children, a family she likes, in-laws?

The problem is, she is not an average person you can relate to. What she never mentions, yet you can also surmise, is the fact that money is no object. Neither is time.

She has plenty of free time and money. I could probably use some of the advice if I was an upper class New York yuppie. Most of us are not. She already starts from a position most of us only dream about. 

She is not writing particularly bad, but I can’t stand when she sprinkles previously unmined gems of insight: “You can’t change others,” “Exercise makes you feel better,” “Be friendly,” “Do things you like to do,” “Be grateful,” and, my personal favorite, “Money can buy happiness.”

Hell, no.

While being rich and leisured doesn’t disqualify her from having wisdom, it does place her situation in context. She’s not struggling to find happiness amidst real trials – illness, poverty, loneliness, relatives who drive you bloody fools – she just wants to be “happier.”

What’s amazing is that with all her research, she doesn’t come up with anything profound. At best, her paper-thin “insights” are merely summaries of other people’s research. And yet, people actually like it! 

She often inserts a quotation that sounds like the first entry in its category from The Big Book of Quotations. Based on the self-congratulatory tone she doesn’t quite have the skill to avoid.  She’s deeply invested in showing she is highly educated. Rubin has done her research by reading everyhing she could get at the library.  I think you’re also suppose he’s really smart, based on the number of references to editing the Yale Law Review she previously worked for.

My takeaway on Happiness Project

So what did people find valuable in her book? Maybe organization chapter prompted them to clean out closets, which is always good.

There are at least a hundred books on de-cluttering that were written by people who were already aware of file boxes. 

So the organization chapter struck me as a bit silly. Every household has a sensible woman to kick some ass to remove trash every now and then.  You do garage sales, donate your clothes you do not wear, and probably try to avoid spending too much at season’s sales. “Throw out your clothes you did not wear last year”. I guess you’ve heard it already.

But this was half as crazy as turning to Nietzsche for tips on happiness! And I think that indicates the biggest flaw – her approach is entirely secular. Joy and fulfillment (a bit deeper and more lasting than “happiness”) come through doing good and, eventually, becoming good. Every now and then she stumbles as if by accident upon versions of the Golden Rule Lite. But, naturally, in her eyes the point of being nice to others is to make herself happier. Obviously she is posting daily something wise like this:

What the hell it’s supposed to mean?!

All in all I just did not like her book. It’s like an extended version of  Eat, Pray, Love or A Year Living Biblically  – I need my year doing stuff fixed. Maybe as a reader you might find even some inspiring ideas – unfortunately nothing genuine. But I really doubt that reading such a book can change your life. 

As happiness is not “teachable”.  Though happiness is universal, it tastes sour when a rich upper class lady is trying to guide you.

I would not promise a recipe for happiness. I will not teach you how to be happy. Happiness if different for everybody and it’s not independent of social and financial status. It means totally different worlds of a chinese factory worker, a white collar administrator in Hungary or a Yale graduate high-class Manhattan woman. 

Coaching does not grant happiness. As a coaching client you need to work on yourself and discover what makes you happy – when you are ready, sign for a free consultation.

The post “I Teach You How To Be Happy” appeared first on Kokai Online Business Coach.