I am issuing this post with a Government Health Warning on the easily offended. If you hate potty mouths, anal or toilet humour then I suggest you right click elsewhere!

Well as you can probably tell by the title, that this particular post is going to be a major rant about self gratifying card and gift industries the world over, who use certain days of the year to boost sales and to keep their pointless gift emporium's afloat until the Christmad season(that was actually a typo, but I thought it quite apt and decided to leave it in).

Yesterday I left numerous hints and comments on MySpace and Facebook hoping that one of my two thousand or so "friends" would send me any kind of a valentine greeting my way, but alas it was not meant to be.

So you can imagine my excitement when I arrived home that evening to find, amongst all the brown 'bill' looking envelopes and the masses of takeaway menus dripping in Pizza and Curry grease, a bright pink envelope (handwritten in red ink) lying on my door mat!

"Yes, Yes!!! I have a secret admirer! Woohoo!" I looked around outside to check no shy young hunk of a man was hiding behind the trees in the park! Okay okay! I have an overactive imagination... Hence the writing!
I opened the pink envelope first and this is what I found inside...



So I thought "Okay Ali, you have a secret admirer who has a sense of humour... This is good, because he clearly knows you and he is letting you know that he knows you like funny cards.." Although slushy would have been good too. But beggars can't be choosers.

In eager anticipation I slowly open the card, hoping to God I recognise the handwriting, (apparantly secret admirers tend to be people you already know and seeing as this person had my name and address, I was already guessing it WAS someone I knew).
I opened it... To read this!



WHAT THE F***!
I screamed... Yes I actually talk out loud to myself. A Direct Marketing letter from a telecoms company that has the originality and brain power of an amoeba currently undergoing a mind enema!!!

The Marketing Executive for this company should be shot or at the very least fired (oh just realised the pun... none intended I swear!) for HIS gross incompotence to understand his target market! I say HE (in the loosest possible term and with great generosity), because only a bloke would seriously overlook the fact that single thirtysomething females, infact ANY single female would be over the fucking moon at receiving a valentines card on an otherwise shitty day. (When we say we are not bothered... TRUST me guys WE ARE!)

Phew! Need to calm down now... Anyway on a lighter note I have taken up a new hobby. Japanese Origami... The intricate and delicate art of paper folding to create works of three dimensional sculptures.
Last night I settled down to some much needed, calm inducing paper folding. I'm a big believer in saving paper so I decided to use the useless valentines card and with a few folds here and there created... A BARB HEADED SPIKE that I am going to ram up a certain orafice, where the sun rays have trouble shining of the Marketing Director at Greystone Telecom. Your mailing may have made me remember your company, but for all the wrong reasons. If you think that I or any other Single female that was unfortunate enough to receive this major marketing faux pas would ever do business with you then you your ego far outstretches your intelligence!

Need to go and meditate now... "Safe warm place, safe warm place!"