Honestly, I am so ridiculously tired of hearing the same bullshit about my gender over and over again. There are certain things I think need to be addressed because I’m tired of sitting here and listening to lies created by God knows who. Here is a list of five common myths I have rolled my eyes at over the years.

1. “Women shouldn’t be hairy.”

Oh my God. Women are some of the hairiest beasts I have ever seen walk this planet. Most women I know can grow a mustache faster than any of my ex-boyfriends. But, that’s fine because we pluck and tweeze until our face are as hairless as a baby’s bottom. What really irks me though is that when a women’s hairiness is mentioned and a guy thinks it is gross. Seriously? We are already literally ripping the hair out of our faces so I think it would be okay if we wanted to talk about this every now and then. But, whatever. If there’s a second ice age I’ll release my home-grown fur coat and be on my merry way.

2. “Girls don’t poop.”

This sounds like something ridiculous but in high school I actually encountered three or four boys who honestly believed girls did not poop. I’m not quite sure where that logic came from in their heads but trust me, girls poop. A lot. Along with that, they fart, vomit, and most of them can shoot a snot rocket farther than a cigar-smoking lumberjack. If a guy wants a girl who doesn’t do these things then I suggest dating a mannequin ‘cause that’s the closest he will find.

3. “Women eat less than men.”

I’m not sure when I started hearing this but growing up it was always common knowledge that raising a boy was more expensive because on the daily they drank four gallons of milk or some ridiculous number like that. Trust me when I say women eat just as much. I specifically remember between the ages of 10-17 going through my kitchen like a human vacuum and just sucking cans of food into my gullet. Even now, a lot of my friends still eat enough regularly to feed a small island nation.

4. “Women like to gossip.”

Okay, this is true. But only because all humans enjoy gossiping. It seems we get no greater joy than watching someone’s pretty bubble burst.

5. “All women just want to get married and have babies.”

False. While a lot of women do want these things, including myself, this is not our only goal for our future. Some of us would like to, you know, have an incredibly cool job like become a professional bull rider or some shit. To each their own. Also, not all women want to get married. It is incredibly egotistical to just assume that we want to latch ourselves to someone who will probably get a beer belly and lose all their hair. As for babies, if a woman wants to have a baby usually she wants to wait. I mean, have you seen what those watermelon-sized humans do to your body? Nope. I’ll keep my hot pizza-filled bod for now, thank you very much.

So, now you know. Not that many men read this site to begin with but if you’re reading this and you have a penis, congratulations. You’ve been given a real insight at what it’s like being a woman which means you’ll be prepared for if you ever date one. If.

Current Music: Loud Pipes by Ratatat