We’ve all been there, right? You’re going about your daily routine when all of a sudden, you realise you’re not in Kansas anymore.

But no, it’s not some delightful fairy tale land filled with talking animals and magical trees. You’re stuck in an Assassin Fantasy novel.

And here’s how you know…

1. Everyone You Meet Has a Ridiculously Dangerous Profession

You’re chatting with the local tavern keeper, and she casually mentions she’s a retired necromancer. The postman is a former dragon-slayer. The greengrocer? Oh, he’s a part-time shape-shifter. It seems like everyone has a side hustle in some perilous profession or other.

2. There’s a Suspicious Amount of Leather and Cloaks

Gone are the days of jeans and T-shirts. Now, it’s all about the leather and cloaks. And don’t even get me started on the abundance of hooded figures. If you’ve started suspecting that the local fashion designer is a Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast with a penchant for the dark and dangerous, you’re probably right.

3. You’ve Developed an Unnatural Affinity for Sharp Objects

Suddenly, you’re finding yourself admiring the craftsmanship of daggers and swords in shop windows. You’ve started frequenting blacksmiths instead of supermarkets. You’re suddenly critiquing the balance and grip of a steak knife at dinner. It’s not normal, I assure you.

4. Your Food and Drink Taste…off

Ah, the classic poison trope. If your tea tastes like it has a hint of nightshade or your steak has the subtle aftertaste of hemlock, you might be in trouble. And no, it’s not just because you’ve been eating out too much.

5. Your Love Interest is Alarmingly Good at Hiding

One minute you’re walking hand in hand, and the next they’ve disappeared into the shadows. They reappear seconds later, having taken out a group of bandits single-handedly. It’s not your typical love story, but then again, who wants normal when you can have danger and excitement?

6. The Local Wildlife is Suspiciously Deadly

If you’ve noticed that the local pigeons have been replaced by fire-breathing hellhawks, and the cute bunnies in the park are now sabre-toothed moon rabbits, you might want to reconsider your daily stroll. And if you spot a unicorn, don’t be fooled. Those things are lethal.

7. You’ve Become Unusually Good at Not Dying

Despite the constant attempts on your life, you seem to be thriving. You’ve dodged arrows, escaped from dark magic, and survived more poison attempts than you can count. If you’re still alive, it’s a sure sign you’re stuck in an Assassin fantasy novel.

So, there you have it. If more than one of these signs rings true, you might want to start sharpening your swords and polishing your armour.

And remember, in the world of assassin fantasy, trust no one. Not even the comedic sidekick. Especially not the comedic sidekick.

The post 7 Sure-Fire Signs You’ve Landed in an Assassin Fantasy Novel first appeared on Jon Cronshaw.