Healthy Habits for Love’s Longevity

Genres

Psychology, Communication Skills, Sex, Relationships, Personal Development

Introduction: Gain practical tips to foster lasting intimacy

13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do (2023) identifies thirteen common pitfalls that couples should avoid in order to nurture healthier and more resilient relationships. It provides concrete advice for improving communication, managing conflict, and ultimately fostering stronger mental fortitude – both individually and as a team.

Every relationship experiences its ups and downs, no matter how deeply in love a couple first was. And often, if resentment, distrust, or unhelpful behavioral patterns take root, it can feel like there’s no way to return to a happier, more intimate dynamic.

But there’s always hope, even if you and your Partner have been growing apart for years. In this summary, we’ll explore a few strategies you can use to maintain closeness with your partner – or reconnect with them. You’ll learn that resilient relationships require continual nurturing, and how to create an environment where both partners can speak honestly without fear of repercussions. And you’ll gain insights for strengthening communication and emotional bonds, even during challenging times.

Ready to build a stronger, more loving relationship with your partner? Let’s begin.

Growing together

Finding love once is a blessing, but twice seems almost miraculous. Yet that was the journey of couples therapist Amy Morin – one full of both fairytale romance and unimaginable grief. After losing her beloved first husband at just 26 years old, Morin struggled through a painful decade of darkness before unexpectedly finding love again. Now remarried and living adventurously on a sailboat, she draws on her extraordinary personal experiences, as well as over twenty years as a therapist, to guide couples towards stronger and more resilient relationships.

As both an individual and couples counselor, Morin has seen it all: the blame games, the futile attempts to change each other, the desperate bids for validation at a relationship’s end. She was initially reluctant to do couples work. Most people, she thought, went into couples therapy seeking permission to divorce rather than solutions to save the relationship. But over time, Morin came to recognize our core need for connection and the ripple effect relationships have on our mental health. Whether struggling with anxiety, depression, trauma, or other issues, individuals can rarely heal in isolation. More often, growth happens through improving support and communication within our closest relationships.

The key is breaking counterproductive patterns by eliminating common bad habits that undermine relationships. Much like individual growth, progress within relationships is nonlinear, requiring persistence and commitment through the ups and downs.

While it’s not the case that every couple should stay together, each of us has the power to positively influence our relationships – whether partners do their own work alongside us or not. As in dancing, when we alter our steps, our partners instinctively adjust in response. By focusing inwardly on our own personal growth and mental resilience, we model the change we wish to see mirrored back to us. With consistent practice of more constructive behaviors, we stand a fighting chance of overcoming past hurts to build healthier bonds over time.

Facing problems head on

Relationships are complicated. Even couples who deeply care for one another can end up feeling disconnected, or find themselves swept up in conflicts that seem impossible to resolve.

This was the situation faced by Maria. She had been happily married for over 30 years and raised three great sons. But now that the boys had all moved out, she was left feeling lonely and somehow distant from her husband Luis.

The truth was, Maria and Luis had always prioritized their sons’ activities and care over nurturing their own emotional bond as partners. With the kids gone, their relationship’s weak foundation was exposed. A gap had developed between them over decades – and Maria simply didn’t know how to bridge it.

Maria wasn’t one for heartfelt discussions. And, like many people, since she couldn’t see a solution, Maria worried that bringing up her feelings directly would only aggravate her spouse and lead to pointless conflict. But still, she knew she couldn’t ignore the issue any longer. She longed to reconnect with Luis and recapture a sense of closeness.

Research shows that the happiest couples don’t shy away from tackling problems that can be solved constructively together, even if it means having difficult conversations. They focus on confidently strengthening their partnership, rather than dwelling endlessly on unresolvable differences.

With some gentle encouragement from her therapist, Maria called up the courage to invite Luis on little excursions like seeing a play, and dinner at his favorite restaurant. To her delight, he accepted. During a weekend hiking getaway, Luis even opened up to Maria about his own worries and regrets over the years, initiating just the kind of vulnerable sharing she had been craving.

Maria realized she could nurture intimacy with Luis, not by scolding him for being emotionally absent, but through planning enjoyable activities that created a context for deeper interactions. She focused on seeking out positive solutions, rather than blaming Luis for their problems.

Her therapist emphasized that, while directly addressing issues is critical, so is how you approach difficult conversations. Pointing the finger of blame often backfires. Instead, it’s helpful to use “I feel” statements, take ownership of your own role, and validate your partner’s perspective – even when you disagree.

Creating safety is key. Don’t forget to sincerely thank your partner for voicing concerns, and be willing to postpone heated discussions if emotions escalate too much. You want to inspire openness, not defensiveness.

With more quality time together, Maria and Luis began bonding as a couple for the first time in years, talking through their worries and hopes for the future. Maria let go of her resentment over their previous emotional distance. Finally, in her 50s, she felt she had regained the true companionship that had been missing from her marriage.

The takeaway? It’s never too late to tackle problems that have built up over time, to thoughtfully nurture your relationship and establish new patterns of communication. Have compassion for yourself and your partner as you navigate this delicate process. But don’t ignore issues that continue bothering you. With effort and care, you can transform your partnership for the better.

The whole truth

“O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive!” The famous line from writer Walter Scott warns us of the damage that deception and concealment can inflict. Yet as adults, we sometimes find ourselves entangled in a web of secrets, large and small.

Autumn felt utterly betrayed when she discovered charges on a credit card statement for web content service OnlyFans. Her husband had made several subscriptions – and even worse, one of the explicit accounts he was paying for was that of his college ex. David brushed it off, claiming Autumn was overreacting. He said he didn’t realize she would care so much.

But care she did. Autumn couldn’t simply ignore that David was secretly ogling other women online. She didn’t feel she could trust him again. His secretive behavior raised endless doubts, making her question if she was still attractive to him or if he harbored feelings for his ex.

David initially wavered on taking full accountability. But eventually – and reluctantly – he agreed to couples counseling. Over time, with patient support from their therapist, he owned up to his actions. And his honesty was essential for Autumn to start healing and rebuilding trust in him.

Secrets always carry consequences, often unintended ones. We keep them to avoid conflict or protect ourselves from judgment. But the suspicion and anxiety they generate put a strain on relationships. Not to mention the energy spent on elaborately covering things up.

Secrecy exposes a trust deficit in the relationship. Research confirms that secrecy tends to thrive in relationships that have already been damaged in some way. The strongest couples tackle problems together – even when it’s difficult – rather than burying and concealing challenging issues.

If you suspect your partner is keeping secrets from you – or even vice versa – don’t panic. First, consider discussing reasonable expectations around privacy. What information do you prefer to keep private, versus sharing openly? Discussing appropriate boundaries transparently can prevent hurt feelings and violations of trust down the road. There’s no uniform standard – define guidelines that feel comfortable for both of you. This will vary for each couple – it depends on your individual personalities and values.

If you’ve concealed something from your partner, the first step is to reflect on why. Do you fear embarrassment? Disapproval? Or are you afraid of being asked to give up behaviors you enjoy? Understanding the root of your secrecy helps you both to come clean and construct  an environment where you can speak truthfully without repercussions.

However, it’s not just about getting things off your chest. Rather than expecting your disclosure to automatically restore intimacy or repair any damage, the priority should be to take responsibility through actions after secrets surface. For example, if you unveil financial deception to your partner, develop a plan to get counseling for the underlying issues, commit to financial transparency moving forward, and perhaps temporarily give your partner oversight of finances to rebuild broken trust.

Revealing long-held secrets requires courage. But the clarity and renewed intimacy are worth it. With care and patience, you can unravel even decades of secrecy to finally face each other authentically.

Rekindling appreciation

Do you ever wonder why you stay in your relationship? Over a third of people admit to regularly wondering whether they should stay or go. Let’s take a look at two couples who found themselves in this situation.

Jillian, a 35-year-old teacher, was feeling desperate when she sought out couples therapy. She wanted to address the constant arguing over housework between her and her husband Marcel. While Marcel shrugged off the mess in their home, Jillian felt disrespected, spending all her spare time cleaning up after their three kids while he watched TV. In their first session, Jillian labeled Marcel a “slob,” while he called her a “drama queen.”

No lasting solutions could happen without addressing one question. How did they feel about each other now versus when they fell in love? And since, unsurprisingly, the two feelings were very different: what was it that they admired about each other, back then, that had been lost in the time since?

Similarly, Michael and Paul’s relationship once felt special, but stress gradually eroded their connection. Their romantic nights out got replaced with helping kids do their homework and watching movies on the couch. The quirks Michael used to find captivating in Paul now deeply irritated him.

As circumstances gradually change over the years, it’s easy to start focusing only on a partner’s flaws, instead of all the reasons you fell in love. The good news is you can rekindle positive feelings by remembering what first drew you together. When falling in love, euphoric neurochemicals – like dopamine and oxytocin – program you to obsess over your new partner. But eventually, tolerance kicks in – the rush fades and the stable love that remains may seem dull compared to the excitement of new romance. Yet remembering why you chose your partner can strengthen your bond enough to weather life’s storms.

To help Paul and Michael reconnect, their therapist gave them a private homework assignment: they each would write a list of all the things that they loved about each other. When they returned the next week and shared their lists, it was clear that they appreciated a great deal about each other. Michael loved Paul’s dedication to reading bedtime stories to their kids; Paul was touched by Michael’s daily calls to his aging mother. Once they had rekindled their bond with each other, it was easier to address their conflict over household chores.

The key is to keep your sights on the bigger picture. When current problems feel overwhelming, remember what made you fall head over heels initially. Share fun times reliving your love story – couples often just need prompting to reminisce fondly over their “how we met” story. Schedule regular low-stress dates to make more joyful memories. Intentionally create new memories instead of just rushing through childcare and chores. Exchange heartfelt gifts, listing the top reasons you chose each other. Remember and celebrate the miracle of finding your soulmate in this great big world. Recalling that magic can help you navigate the bumpy terrain together.

Conclusion

Even the strongest relationships require continual maintenance and care. Like tending a garden, partners must actively nurture bonds.

Key to this is taking personal responsibility rather than blaming your partner. Progress often happens when one partner models vulnerability and compassion, creating a space for their beloved to reciprocate.

In the end, love is a verb – an active commitment continually renewed and expressed in care for your partner. By taking responsibility to nurture your bonds, prioritizing emotional intimacy, and protecting trust, you’ll give your partnership the best chance to not only survive but to continuously evolve and deepen.

About the Author

Amy Morin

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