I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was (1994) offers practical guidance to help people figure out what they want in life and how to use that knowledge to go after it. It tackles the most common obstacles to goal-setting with exercises and tactics that help people customize an approach that works best for them.

Introduction: Unlock what you truly want in life

What do you want?

Perhaps you’ve explored self-help literature or courses that claim to show you how to get the life of your dreams. But what if you don’t even know what that dream life looks like?

The late Barbara Sher ran into this question repeatedly from readers of her first Book, titled Wishcraft. While they loved her strategies for reaching goals, they wanted to know how to set them in the first place. That feedback inspired her to write I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was.

Sher emphasized with her approach that “there is always a good reason for everything.” It’s absolutely not that you lack talent, drive, or smarts. She felt that the key was figuring out your obstacles.

While the answer to what you want is as unique as every individual, the reasons for not knowing what you want are common. We’ll explore those first.

Then, we’ll cover just a few of the many chapters devoted to typical scenarios people face when struggling to find purpose, like staying stuck because it feels safe, looking successful on the outside when you’re not feeling it, or figuring out what to do when you’ve reached a goal but lost it.

If you see yourself in any of those examples, you’ll come away with quick exercises designed just for you to help find what you want in life. Let’s dive in.

You must overcome expectations, non-action, and hidden resistance

Three big themes usually keep people from knowing what they want: what they think others expect; not taking action; and “hidden resistance.” Let’s consider each.

First, there are other people’s expectations. You may have zero clue what you actually want, but you probably have a clear idea of what you think others expect of you. Expectations are conveyed through the stories about you passed on by parents, other family members, friends, or peers. Say you grew up in a family of doctors, and you were told that you also would become a doctor. Or it could be something more subtle – maybe your father complaining about politicians all your life has made you steer clear of a career in politics.

Even with good intentions, all of these inputs can make for too much noise. You have to cut through that clutter to find your own Voice. Here’s how: Make a list of everyone who matters in your life and what you think they expect of you; next, consider any decisions you’ve made based on those opinions. Note which choices have made you happy, if any. Keep the list handy so that as you move on, you’ll know the dreams you are chasing are yours and no one else’s.

The next big block to goal setting is not acting at all. You have to start doing something, even if it’s small. While it’s tough to get moving when you don’t know what you want, you still need motivation to act when the goal is finding the goal.

There are four big pushes for taking action in this conundrum. First, you have to at least try something to know whether you like it or not. Even disliking something will steer you toward what you do like through the process of elimination. Second, the act of trying new things on its own raises your confidence, regardless of the outcome. Third, lucky things do happen, but can’t if you don’t open the door to them. And last, going with your gut trains you to follow your instincts, or at least fine-tune them in cases where things don’t work.

It also takes action to identify your personal hidden resistance, the third thing that can keep you from knowing what you want. This one is unique to you, and only you can find it. To do that, Sher offers a series of exercises to make you consider what would be your perfect job. For the sake of brevity, we’ll combine the concepts into one exercise.

Grab a pen or your notes app and let your imagination run wild as you list every aspect of your ideal job, right down to the hours you’d keep, what you’d do, and where you’d do it. If you struggle to think of what would be perfect, instead write down the same kind of list – but describing the absolute worst job you can imagine. Take that list of negatives and change each detail to a positive counterpart. Either way, you’ll arrive at a fantasy job description.

Now imagine actually doing the fantasy job. Do you feel uneasy? Why? Are there any thoughts popping up telling you that you can’t? What exactly are they saying? Those feelings and messages are coming directly from your hidden resistance. Jot them down – we are going to explore just a few of the scenarios where others’ expectations, non-action, and hidden resistance rear their heads, and how to knock them off your path to knowing what you want.

Small actions make a big impact

Have you ever stayed in a job that wasn’t a good fit, but paid the bills? That was the case of a man Sher called Jerry, who exemplified the patterns of “sure thing” people — those who say they want to follow their passion yet choose a sense of security over the unknown.

Jerry dreamed of writing screenplays, yet held a well-paying job as an editor at a company where the work tired him. In fact, he claimed he had no energy left to do any screenwriting on his own time. Yet when asked to consider dumping the job and pursuing writing full-time, he balked at the idea of not having colleagues around.

It turned out the real reason he disliked his job was that he was identifying with it too much. He didn’t want to be an editor forever when he knew his passion was writing. All it took was writing a bit each day for him to re-identify as a screenwriter. The lesson here is you can do both your passion and your job, and you may even start to appreciate the job more. Jerry became happier overall just pursuing his passion a few hours a day. Taking a leap in a small way is an excellent approach for people who tend to cling to safety.

There are various reasons why some people value security more than others – usually all rooted in a fear developed earlier in life. This could come from an overly fearful parent, an unstable home life, or even homes that were rigidly stable. As you might surmise from that list, it’s a common vibe that’s passed along.

No shame here. It’s just an important thing to know about yourself if you’re struggling to figure out what you want. You can use it to craft a strategy that works for you, like Jerry did. As we learned in his case, you don’t even have to do anything wild to mix it up and see what happens.

For example, if you worry about finding the time to devote to yourself, give up just one task you do for other people each day and replace it with something you love. For one woman in Sher’s workshop, that meant giving up making family dinners in exchange for an hour of reading each evening. If that sounds like a bad plan for your family, do as another workshop attendee did and stop ironing laundry.

All that matters is that you create time and space to take action. A little can go a long way.

When success isn’t satisfying, change course

We just talked about people who feel their lives are ho-hum and have to break routines to find what they want. But what if you are the opposite — at least on the outside?

To most observers, your life looks like the definition of success, with a family, a nice home, and plenty of income to spend on vacations and other luxuries. Or perhaps the picture is a bit different and you’re a star athlete, high-profile entrepreneur, or have otherwise attained the highest levels in your field. Meanwhile, you aren’t happy at all. Now pile on a couple of valid fears about giving it all up: How will you sustain your lifestyle and responsibilities? What will people think?

Sher covered five typical scenarios of not enjoying success, including being in a job you didn’t actually choose, work that consumes your whole life, toxic work environments, disappointing work, and general dissatisfaction after winning a competition. While there are specific exercises for each, we’ll focus on the two principles that help with all of these scenarios.

As you consider what success means to you and how you will redefine it, you should first check in closely with your feelings. Sher referred to successful people as “fast trackers.” That’s great for the drive needed for success, but not so great without a GPS. Tuning into feelings can reveal useful information for a needed course correction – and if you’re not happy, your course may need correcting. As well, repressing feelings causes stress, and you need to let some of that loose before rethinking your entire life. To practice this, take a notebook and create three ten-page sections. Label each section, starting with “anger,” then “fear,” then “hurt.” Pick a section and start writing about everything you can think of that brings up that emotion for you. This kind of journaling is a simple way to release tough emotions and lower your stress levels.

Next, find a way to save toward whatever your new life is going to be. If you have been living below your means already, great. Even so, you’ve probably gotten used to a certain lifestyle and may not want to give it all up. Making adjustments a bit at a time will allow you to put away money to support a more modest lifestyle later. You may not even have a vision of your new life yet, and simply plan to reduce your working hours so you can figure it out. Saving now will buy you that time.

The final group of people we’ll consider are those who have identified what they wanted, got it, loved it – and lost it. If you are one of them, you’ll learn how to recover and reset.

Use major transitions and loss to find new purpose

So far, we’ve covered ways to get around blocks and fears to figure out what you want, which is useful mostly for people who have never identified what they truly wanted. Now let’s consider another group who are also searching despite having known what they wanted – and gotten it. What put them back in the boat, searching for purpose?

First, there are people faced with major life transitions, like losing a job or having children leave for college. These transitions require what the author termed regrouping. Second, there are those who’ve suffered a major, irreversible life event that changed their picture completely, leaving them back at square one. Perhaps a sure path to a professional sports career was cut short by injury – or, worse, they suddenly lost a spouse.

Sher separates these groups into two chapters to differentiate between the severity of the different kinds of loss. However, the groups are combined here because exercises for both rely on the same concept of finding your “touchstones.”

For people looking at a transition in life, grab a pen and paper and think back to your earliest memory of something you liked to do. Then work your way up in five-year increments to the age you are now. Sher remembered loving books and watching the snow at age five, riding her bike and reading at age ten, riding around with friends and writing in her diary at age 15 … you get the idea. The next step is to look back over your list for common themes. The author saw that reading, writing, and a sense of adventure were all recurring themes in her memories, so she tried her hand at travel writing.

For those dealing with serious loss, the exercise is more intense. It focuses more on processing feelings first. Write a detailed essay about everything you loved so deeply about your life before the loss. While remembering good times can be painful, we have no choice but to carry grief forward. This exercise helps you transmute it into fond memories. Later, you can also use the essay to look for touchstones for setting new goals. From the essay, make a list of every detail you loved about your old life, and whittle it down to three. See if you can connect the dots among them to point you toward a new pursuit. Some may choose to start over completely.

The choice is up to you – and the key is to remember that you do still have choices amid grief. It’s never too late to find what you want all over again, even if it’s something completely new.

Summary

While it may seem obvious that the first step to getting what you want in life is figuring out exactly what that is, for many of us, determining that desire is the whole problem. Fortunately, you have the power to solve it by figuring out your personal obstacles and then shaping your strategy accordingly.

If you’re putting too much stock in what you think is “safe,” taking even small actions will help you open up new possibilities. Maybe you’ve “won” your race, but found yourself miserable at the finish line. You can choose a different pursuit. Other times, outside circumstances – like losing a dream job or even a loved one – may force you to adapt after you’ve already achieved many goals.

No matter your personal obstacles or circumstances, you can make use of both to find purpose and keep going.

About the author

Barbara Sher is a therapist and career counselor who conducts workshops all over the United States and throughout the world. She has been featured on Oprah and Donahue, as well as in The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and USA Today. Her bestsellers include Wishcraft, Teamworks!, and I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was. Heard on the radio in cities all over America every day, Sher lives in New York City.

Genres

Personal Development, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Business, Productivity, Unfinished, Reference, Inspirational, Dreams, Success Self-Help, Motivational, Personal Transformation, Self-Esteem, Relationships, Personal Growth

Overview

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • A life-changing guide to finding your direction—and your passion—in a world of seemingly limitless options

If you suspect there could be more to life than what you’re getting, if you always knew you could do anything—if you only knew what it was—this extraordinary book is about to prove you right. No matter what your age, no matter how “unattainable” your dreams, you can create and live a life you love.

I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was reveals how you can recapture “long lost” goals, overcome the blocks that inhibit your success, decide what you want to be, and live your dreams forever. You will learn:

• What to do if you never chose to be what you are.
• How to get off the fast track—and on to the right track.
• First aid techniques for paralyzing chronic negativity.
• How to regroup when you’ve lost your big dream.
• To stop waiting for luck—and start creating it.

A life without direction is a life without passion. I Could Do Anything If Only I Knew What It Was guides you not to another unsatisfying job but to a richly rewarding career rooted in your heart’s desire.

* * * * *

“A life without direction is a life without passion,” says motivational specialist, therapist, and career counselor Barbara Sher. In I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, a sort of broader, less dense, and less intimidating version of What Color Is Your Parachute?, she reveals how to “recapture long lost goals, overcome the blocks that inhibit your success, decide what you want to be, and live your dreams.”

This is a perfect book for new college graduates or anyone sick and tired of languishing in a dead-end job or relationship–yet reluctant to make drastic life changes due to uncertainty about what would actually inspire them. I Could Do Anything combines the I’m-not-buying your-excuses inspiration of Dr. Laura Schlessinger with the soothing, analytic encouragement of Dr. Martin Seligman in his classic Learned Optimism. In other words, Sher will pick you up off your butt and get you moving. She’s included enough self-analytical exercises in here to save you hundreds of dollars in therapy.

Whether you’re looking to make improvements in your job or personal life, Sher will teach you how to determine what your goals are, and how to successfully reach them–even if right now the only thing you know is that you’re vaguely to very unhappy and haven’t the foggiest idea what to do with yourself.

Review/Endorsements/Praise/Award

“For those who want to find their passion . . . a step-by-step guide for restructuring one’s life so that it has meaning, direction, and joy.”—Ellen Kreidman, author of Light His Fire and Light Her Fire

“Refreshingly witty and wise . . . Full of genuine and useful insight for achieving what you want from a career.”—Wess Roberts, Ph.D., author of Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun

Video and Podcast

Read an Excerpt/PDF Preview

This book is designed to help you find the good life. By that, I don’t mean swimming pools, mansions, and private jets — unless those are really your big passions. But if you picked up a book called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, you’re probably looking for a lot more than a swimming pool.

You want a life you will love.

A friend’s father got it right when he said “The good life is when you get up in the morning and can’t wait to start all over again.”

Is that you? Or does his idea of the good life sound like an unreachable paradise? If you aren’t the kind of person who jumps out of bed every morning excited about the day ahead, I know you desperately long to find a goal that will make you feel like my friend’s father. You crave work that will spark excitement and energy; you yearn to find the place where you can make your mark. Albert Schweitzer found his place, so did Golda Meir, and so did the kid next door who practiced guitar day and night. They knew how to live. They believed in what they were doing with all their hearts. They knew their work was important. When you get near people who are pursuing their heart’s desire, you can see the intensity on their faces.

Life is just too short to live without that kind of focus.

In the early 1980s, two Harvard psychologists completed a study of people who called themselves happy. And what did happy people have in common? Money? Success? Health? Love?

None of these things.

They had only two things in common: They knew exactly what they wanted and they felt they were moving toward getting it.

That’s what makes life feel good: when it has direction, when you are headed straight for what you love.

And I mean love.

I don’t mean what you’re skilled at. I don’t really care what your skills are. When I was a single working mother with two babies, you know what my skills were? I could clean house like a demon; catch a moving bus with my arms full of laundry, groceries, and kids; and squeeze a dollar until the picture of George Washington screamed for mercy.

I do not want the career that uses those skills, thank you.

I don’t believe you live the good life by doing what you can do; you live it by doing what you want to do. I don’t even think your greatest talents necessarily show up in your skills. All of us are good at things we’re not madly in love with. And all of us have talents we’ve never used.

Relying on your skills to guide you is simply unacceptable. That’s why I don’t intend to give you personality tests or skills assessments to find out what you should be doing.

I know what you should be doing.

You should be doing what you love.

What you love is what you are gifted at. Only love will give you the drive to stick to something until you develop your gift. That’s the way really big things get accomplished in this world — by people no different than you and I who know what they want and put everything they’ve got behind it.

If you don’t know what you want, you can’t get out of the starting gate — and that’s discouraging. But you’re not alone. Recent figures show that as many as 98 percent of Americans are unhappy in their jobs. And it isn’t only financial considerations that keep them where they are; they simply don’t know what to do instead. What you may have thought was your private little nightmare turns out to be heartbreakingly common.

Well, I have a surprise for you.

You do know what you want.

Everybody does. That’s why you feel so restless when you can’t find the right track. You sense there’s some particular work you are meant to be doing. And you’re right. Einstein needed to formulate theories of physics, Harriet Tubman needed to guide people to freedom, and you need to follow your original vision. As Vartan Gregorian said, “The universe is not going to see someone like you again in the entire history of creation.” Each of us is one of a kind. Every living person has a completely original way of looking at the world, and originality always needs to express itself.

But many of us get stopped. Every time we resolve to change our lives, every time we go to pick up the baton and get into the race, something happens. For some mysterious reason our determination melts. We look at the baton and think “This race isn’t it.” And we put down the baton, uneasy because time is slipping away, frightened that we’ll never find “it.”

There are two reasons for this.

One reason it’s so hard to know what we want is that we have so many options. This wasn’t always true. Our parents and their parents had fewer choices and clearer goals. It’s a tribute to the success of our culture that so many of us have the freedom to search for our own life’s work.

Freedom is glorious. But freedom also torments us because it requires us to create our own goals.

Did you know that fewer people get depressed during war than in peacetime? In a war, everything is important. Day to day, you know exactly what to do. Your life may be frightening, but the struggle to survive gives you direction and drive. You don’t waste any time trying to figure out what you’re worth or what you’re supposed to do with your life. You just try to keep alive, save your home, help your neighbors. The reason we love to watch films about people whose lives are in danger is because every move is loaded with meaning.

When there’s no emergency to rise to, we have to create goals that have meaning. You can create such goals if you know what your dream is — but this is a relatively new way of living. The old way to live was to let necessity create your goal; the new way is to use your dream to create your goal. We have had very little practice at this new way.

The second reason you don’t know what you want is that something inside you is stopping you from knowing. Your dreams are obscured by some kind of internal conflict. It’s not as easy as you might think to spot inner conflicts. Often they’re disguised as self-reproach. “Maybe I have no talent,” “Maybe I’m just lazy,” “If I were smarter I’d have done more with my life.”

If there’s one thing I want you to get out of reading this book it’s to know that not one of those statements is true.

The first goal of this book is to shine a spotlight on your particular inner conflict so you can see it clearly outlined. As soon as you see what’s been in your way, you’ll know exactly why you haven’t created the life you wanted. You’ll quit reproaching yourself. You’ll understand that you’ve been unable to get moving for a reason.

Our culture is full of simpleminded myths of blame, such as “If you really wanted something badly enough, you’d go out and get it,” and “If you’re sabotaging yourself, you lack character.” Nobody ever asks the obvious question: “Why would anybody want to do himself harm by sabotaging himself?” It takes curiosity to find the answer to that question, and judgmental people always lack curiosity.

In the following chapters we’re going to stop all this blaming and swap it for honest, nonjudgmental curiosity. I have the deepest respect for sincere curiosity — and very little respect for self-righteousness. The useful answers, the answers that help us solve problems, are always the more forgiving ones. They’re based on a line of inquiry that assumes there is always a good reason for everything. There is certainly a good reason you lost direction, and this book is going to help you find it.

Until then, just remember, whatever you were doing until you picked up this book, you were not being lazy or stupid or cowardly. Even self-improvement programs, no matter how helpful, are often judgmental. They are often based on the assumption that you don’t have what you want because you haven’t developed the right way of thinking. They assume you’ve got to get fixed before you can get what you want.

Well, forget that.

You don’t have to become a better person or develop a different attitude to have a life you love. As you are, you are good enough. In fact, the smartest thing you can do is to go ahead and get what you want before you do anything to improve yourself. Getting your life on track will do wonders for your “bad” attitude.

I have no intention of suckering you into some program that tells you to stand up straight and be a different person. Life just isn’t that simple, and wishful thinking won’t make it so. I don’t think people solve problems with positive thinking either. Propping up your thoughts, pretending to feel different than you really do, is not a sturdy enough system for the long haul. Creative visualization has its limitations too. I’ve met a lot of people who can’t visualize, and others who feel strongly conflicted even imagining what they love. And “create your own reality” sounds empowering, but its flip side is that you can end up blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. That’s not fair. You’re not big enough to take on fate single-handedly, and you don’t need to.

What you do need is to understand why you don’t know what you want. Once you begin to understand the perfectly good explanation for your confusion, you will finally be able to do something about it.

The second goal of this book is to show you how to do something about it. I’ve put tools and strategies in each chapter to help you extricate yourself from your internal conflicts every time you need to–now and in the future.

The first three chapters of this book are for every reader. They’re the chapters that shine a light on your conflict and illuminate its contours for you. Once you see the general shape of your problem, you’ll be able to flip to a chapter in the book that will give you strategies for doingwhatever you’ve got to do to get past your particular kind of conflict.

It’s not hard to learn what your inner conflict is about, because once you learn to listen for it, you’ll notice inner conflicts make a lot of racket. One side of the conflict is arguing in favor of your getting what you want, and the other side is determined to stop you. All you have to do is listen carefully to the louder voice: It will lead you straight to the strategies that can help you.

Does your voice say something like “I’d have to quit my job to get what I really want and I can’t do that — I’d starve”? If so, you’ll want to read Chapter 4, “The Sure Thing,” where you’ll learn about the great risk you take when you avoid adventure.

Does your voice say “Every time I try to go after what I want, I drop the ball and I don’t know why”? Then try Chapter 5, “Fear of Success: Leaving the Ones You Love Behind.”

If your voice says “I want to do so many things, I’ll never be able to pick only one,”Chapter 6 will show you how to have it all. (It will also show you how to focus on just one thing, if that’s what you secretly wish you could do.)

Now, what if you’re doing wonderfully in other people’s eyes, you’ve got a skyrocketing career on your hands, but you’re not happy? Is your voice saying “How can I walk away from success? And what will I live on if I do”? Take a new look at your options. Turn to Chapter 7, “On the Wrong Track, and Moving Fast.”

When you think you know what you want, but your voice says “I want something I shouldn’t want — it’s trivial or unworthy,” that’s Chapter 8. You might have a “tribal problem” with your family, friends, or culture: you want something that puts you in conflict with everything you were taught.

If you’ve just finished high school or college or a training program and your voice says “I’m afraid to choose something. I might get trapped!” then pick up Chapter 9, “Help! I’m Not Ready to Be Born Yet.” It’ll show you how to avoid being trapped and start living.

Chapter 10, “Regrouping: It’s a Whole New Ball Game,” will help if you’ve just been through a big change — if you’ve just retired or if the kids have just grown up and left home — in which case you probably hear a voice saying, “I don’t have Idea One what to do now.”

If your voice says “What’s the point? I’ll only be disappointed. Nothing will ever match what I already had and lost,” turn to Chapter 11, “I’ve Lost My Big Dream — There’s Nothing Left.” You’ll discover that life is still worth living.

If you hear your voice saying “I’ve tried so many things and nothing does it for me,” then look at Chapter 12, “Nothing Ever Interests Me.” You’ve probably got a case of disabled desire.

If your voice says “It’s not my fault I’m not doing what I want — the world won’t give me a break!” you need to look at Chapter 13, “A Rage Against the Ordinary.” And if you hear a voice saying “I’m trying to go after something, but my heart’s not really in it, and I don’t know why,” your situation is not as big a mystery as you may think. Look at Chapter 14, “The Red Herring, or Trying Hard to Love Something You Don’t Really Want.” You might discover you really want something you’re trying to give up.

If you can’t hear any voice from your conflict now, don’t let it worry you. You’ll hear it by the end of Chapter 3. I guarantee it.

CAREERS IN THE NINETIES Once you begin to find your own path, you will have positioned yourself at the forefront of a massive historical change. In late twentieth-century industrial society, just about everybody — like it or not — is going to have to figure out what kind of work and life he really wants. Sooner or later everybody across every age group is going to have to ask “What do I want to do?”

The days are over when students took the path of least resistance to a banking career, say, or to law school and considered that one choice the end of their career planning. Last year’s college graduates, according to one research firm, can expect to hold ten to twelve jobs in three to five different fields during their working lifetime. Like it or not, everybody’s getting a second work life. Probably, a third life. Perhaps even more.

Corporations are continuing to downsize, and not only because of recent recessions: We’re entering a new period in economic history. Global competition is forcing companies to make themselves lean and mean. Corporations are becoming about a third the size they once were, and they’ll probably never get big again. Middle management is gone. Secretaries are being replaced by technology. The top twenty students from every college or business school may still get good job offers, but everyone else is on their own.

The wave of the future is clear: We’re going to be a nation of experts — consultants and entrepreneurs — many of us working at home, all of us hired on a job-by-job basis according to our special talents.

And who’s going to come shining through these cultural changes? Everyone who is
willing to develop what he loves into a niche for himself — a niche where he can excel. Never have we needed to locate our own gifts more.

So let’s get going. Let’s see why you don’t know what you want. And then, let’s
do something about it.

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