Hard work and an inspiring vision are important — but they can only get you so far. According to the authors of “Never Eat Alone,” the key ingredient to success is fostering meaningful connections with other people. In fact, what distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships. In this book summary, you’ll learn why creating a network is the best way for you to succeed and allows you to help others in the process.

How to cultivate the most important relationships in your life.

READ THIS BOOK SUMMARY IF YOU:

• Want to grow your network and strengthen your relationships in all areas of life
• Find networking events intimidating and uncomfortable
• Are interested in finding the right people to connect with to further your career

Introduction

It’s a rainy Thursday night, and you’ve finally worked up the courage to attend a happy hour event for professionals in your industry. As you enter the bar, you notice that not many people have arrived yet. An impeccably dressed man walks up to you, martini in one hand and Business card in the other. He introduces himself, hands you his card, and begins to chat.

“So, what do you do?” he asks. You can tell that he isn’t listening to your answer. In fact, as soon as he sees your business card (which reads “junior analyst”), you start to get the feeling that he’s more intent on sizing up the other people arriving at the event than talking to you. Before you’ve had a chance to get past your elevator pitch, he abruptly excuses himself and moves on to talk to more important people. You sigh, order an appetizer, and wonder why you wasted your evening coming here.

Many people have negative associations with Networking and avoid it at all costs. But according to Keith Ferrazzi and Tahl Raz, this is a mistake that costs you big in the long-term. By failing to connect with people, you’ll have to work a lot harder just to get by in your career, and you’ll miss out on a lot of opportunities to achieve your goals and help others in the process.

In this summary, you’ll learn Ferrazzi and Raz’s top tips for making networking an effective and enjoyable experience. By the end, you’ll know:

• How to not be a networking jerk.
• How to build your networking muscles.
• How to turn acquaintances into compatriots.
• How to nurture the right connections.

You’ll also learn why going skydiving might be better for your career than attending a networking event and what to do if you see someone important that you’d like to talk to.

How to Not Be a Networking Jerk (netjerk)

People hate networking for two reasons: It feels manipulative, and it can seem like a waste of time. This is because networking is often associated with network jerks: ruthlessly ambitious schmoozers who connect with people in search of quick wins rather than meaningful relationships. But networking doesn’t have to be like that. In fact, networking can be valuable and even enjoyable if you focus on giving rather than taking and integrate networking into your long-term strategy.

Focus on giving, not taking

A common approach to networking is to hand out business cards and make boring small talk, hoping that the person you’re talking to will give you something later. But this is the wrong mindset. If you show up to a networking event thinking only about what you need right now, you will repel people and come across as selfcentered or desperate.

According to Ferrazzi and Raz, networking is more about building relationships and working with other people when you don’t need them than it is about forging short-term alliances with people who can give you what you need today. The most important thing is to establish trust by bringing value to every conversation, connecting the right people to the right opportunities, and finding opportunities to collaborate with others.

Bill Clinton followed this rule from the time he was in school. He wrote down the names and key details of everyone that he met and kept in touch with them with a genuine focus on what mattered most to those people and how he could help them. As he advanced in his political career, people were astonished by how well he could navigate tough conversations, connect with just about anyone, and develop deep, trust-based relationships.

Integrate networking into your long-term strategy

It’s true that networking can take a lot of time, but it can also save you a lot of time in the long run by helping you stay on top of what’s happening in your industry and connecting you to people who can help you get things done more efficiently. To make the most of networking as a valuable exercise rather than a total drag,

Ferrazzi and Raz recommend a three step approach.

1. First, find your passion. Decide what your real dreams are, regardless of the obstacles that are keeping you from achieving them.
2. Second, write down a list of the things you’d like to achieve in the next three years. Break those goals down into one-year goals and then one-month goals. Write down some ideas about the types of people and organizations you’ll need to be connected with to achieve those goals. Then, figure out how you’ll connect with those people or organizations.
3. Finally, create a small circle of friends, mentors, or trusted acquaintances who can serve as your personal “board of advisors.” Ferrazzi uses his board of advisors to help him navigate tough situations and identify countless opportunities that he would’ve missed otherwise.

How to Build Your Networking Muscles

Now that you understand the “why” behind networking, it’s time to understand how it’s done. Building networking skills is a bit like building muscles by going to the gym: Regular training and proper preparation are key to your success. The keys to a good networking regimen are being proactive, using your passion to connect with others, and never eating alone.

Be proactive

Let’s say that one of your short-term goals is to speak on a panel at a conference. Unfortunately, you haven’t had much luck when you’ve applied for speaker slots. You could just wait for the perfect opportunity to come your way, but it would be even better if you did some research and identified the top event organizers in your industry. Then, you could reach out to a handful of them and offer to volunteer at the next event. This enables you to not only network but also establish trust and build a good relationship with people who can help you achieve your goal in the long-term.

Suppose an event organizer agrees to discuss your offer to volunteer over a cup of coffee. You could just show up to the meeting and talk about yourself and why you’re qualified to help. However, you’ll get a lot further if you spend a few minutes on Google, LinkedIn, or Twitter learning about the event organizer’s area of specialization, accomplishments, and upcoming challenges. This gives you a chance to congratulate the organizer on a recent conference that went well, ask them about an upcoming event, or at least have a basic understanding of their situation from the moment you start talking.

Always do your homework on the people that you’re going to meet or want to meet, whether you’re having a one-on-one meeting with them or you just happen to know they’ll be at the same event as you. By doing so, you’ll rapidly grow your network and set yourself up for more success so that you’re not tongue-tied when you get your “big break.”

Use your passion to connect with others

There’s a reason that networking events have a bad reputation. Even when they aren’t full of “networking jerks,” you may feel kind of desperate when attending them. Very few people get jobs or seal deals at networking events when compared to other environments, like skydiving courses, first-class sections on airplanes, or volunteer spaces. This is because the quality of time you spend with other people while networking can never compete with the quality of time you spend with people while sharing a pleasant, scary, meaningful, or intense experience.

One of Ferrazzi’s friends networks at the gym. He enjoys chatting with ambitious entrepreneurs and business leaders while they’re both huffing away at the Stairmaster. Meanwhile, Ferrazzi makes meaningful connections while on volunteer trips to places like Guatemala, where he and other volunteers share memorable experiences and contribute to something they care about.

If you want to start building more meaningful relationships, think about what you’re passionate about — whether it’s hosting dinners or volunteering — and fit those things into your schedule. Don’t make excuses like, “I’m too busy.” Participating in shared activities will provide you with energy and a chance to let go of office stress for a while, and it will save you time by sparing you from the need to go to boring networking events.

Never eat alone

According to Ferrazzi and Raz, disappearing from your network is a cardinal mistake that leaders avoid at all costs. If you’re an “up-and-comer” in your industry, you must work hard to remain visible and active among your ever-budding network of friends and contacts, or you’ll miss out on important opportunities.

Ferrazzi once got to travel with Hillary Clinton when she was first lady. She was up at 5 a.m. for phone calls with people in different time zones, and in just one day, she gave four or five speeches, attended multiple cocktail parties, and shook over 2,000 hands. At the end of this exhausting day, when most leaders would seize a much-awaited opportunity for solitude, she chatted with her staff on Air Force One and then went about scheduling the next day.

Clinton’s crazy schedule isn’t all that unique. Through his work, Ferrazzi has observed that world-class leaders are constantly engaging with the members of their network and the public. So, if you want to up your game, don’t let meals, commutes, or other moments go to waste.

How to Turn Acquaintances into Compatriots

When you’re making new connections, it’s important that you understand the other person’s mission. This is what makes them tick, sets their goals, and matters most to them. Everyone is unique, but three common mission types are making money, finding love, or changing the world.

Once you know someone’s mission, no matter how big or small it seems to you, do what you can to help them succeed in fulfilling it. Many people do the opposite and focus on their own success, but if you help an influencer in your industry succeed, you become indispensable to them, which encourages them to give you many opportunities in the future.

For example, Ferrazzi met Robin Richards, an executive at Vivendi Universal who had made a fortune founding and selling MP3.com. Richards was leading a negotiation to buy Ferrazzi’s company. The deal ultimately fell through, but during their discussions, Ferrazzi learned that Richards’ child had a rare form of cancer, so introduced Richards to a friend of his who was passionate about finding a cure. To this day, he and Richards are still good friends who would bend over backwards for each other.

On top of understanding someone’s mission, to convert them from a casual acquaintance to a close friend or ally, you’ll need to find creative ways to stay in their lives. One way to do this is “pinging”: using emails, messages, or quick phone calls to share things that made you think of them, give them a quick update, or ask how they’re doing. Another way to deepen your relationship is to organize regular dinners, brunches, or get-togethers of another sort and invite them along. By hosting regular get-togethers, you act as a connector for interesting people, demonstrate your leadership skills, and create unforgettable memories that your network will always associate with you.

How to Nurture the Right Connections

Former House speaker Newt Gingrich likes to tell a story about a lion who spends his time hunting field mice. No matter how good a hunter he is and no matter how many field mice he catches, he’ll still be starving at the end of the day if that’s all he eats. The moral of the story is that it’s important to begin targeting antelopes rather than field mice.

Focusing on powerful or influential people doesn’t make you vain or superficial if you have a meaningful mission that you want to achieve. For example, if you want to improve America’s education system, you’ll achieve a lot more by surrounding yourself with policymakers and their advisors than surrounding yourself with unemployed musicians. To surround yourself with more powerful people, attend events such as golf tournaments, conferences, or political fundraisers. You can also seek opportunities to serve on nonprofit boards or in other prominent roles outside your job.

Once you’ve put yourself in proximity to powerful people, it’s essential that you establish trust. Powerful people are often wary of newcomers because they expect that they’ll want something from them. But if you treat them like anyone else, they’ll stop worrying about your possible ulterior motives. For instance, at an embassy event, Ferrazzi once saw Richard Schiff, the actor who played the advisor to the president on the popular TV show The West Wing. Rather than ask for his autograph or make a big deal out of him being there, Ferrazzi casually introduced himself and acted like he didn’t know who Schiff was. This allowed Schiff to open up, and the two went on to have a great connection and kept in touch afterwards.

Conclusion

In this summary, you’ve learned that networking is more about helping other people succeed than it is about wearing an uncomfortable tie, impressing everyone, or squeezing concessions out of people. You’ve also learned that networking is like a muscle, and to build it, you must always be constantly seeking opportunities to use it — whether that’s during mealtimes, plane rides, or your morning gym session. Finally, you’ve learned that it’s important to prioritize developing relationships with the right kind of people so that you can maximize the positive impact that you have with your career.

Whether your mission in life is to earn money, help others, innovate, or make exciting new discoveries, you’ll get much farther if you pursue it with other people.

About the author

Keith Ferrazzi is an author and entrepreneur. As founder and chairman of Ferrazzi Greenlight, he works to identify behaviors that block global organizations from reaching their goals and replace them with new behaviors that increase growth and shareholder value. In 1999, Ferrazzi was named a “Global Leader of Tomorrow” by the World Economic Forum, and in 1997, he was Crain’s Business pick as one of the 40 top business leaders under 40. In addition to Never Eat Alone, Ferrazzi wrote Who’s Got Your Back, and has contributed to The Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Inc., and Fast Company.

Tahl Raz is a bestselling author, nonfiction collaborator, and award-winning journalist. As chief knowledge officer and director of publishing at Ferrazzi Greenlight, Raz oversees the firm’s publishing, digital strategy, and intellectual property management efforts. His most recent work, Never Split the Difference, written in collaboration with Chris Voss, remains the nation’s top book on negotiation. When not researching or writing, Raz coaches executives, lectures, and serves as an editorial consultant for several national firms.

Genres

Self-Improvement, Business, Nonfiction, Self Help, Personal Development, Leadership, Psychology, Communication, Relationships, Management, Business Life, Careers and Employment, Characteristics and Qualities, Public Relations, Success, Motivation, Self-Esteem, Personal Growth, Marketing and Sales, Business and Money, Job Hunting and Careers, Social Skills

Table of Contents

Preface xi
Section 1 The Mind-Set
1 Becoming a Member of the Club 3
2 Don’t Keep Score 14
3 What’s Your Mission? 24
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Bill Clinton 40
4 Build It Before You Need It 43
5 The Genius of Audacity 49
6 The Networking Jerk 58
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Kotharine Graham 63
Section 2 The Skill Set
7 Do Your Homework 69
8 Take Names 76
9 Warming the Cold Call 83
10 Managing the Gatekeeper-Artfully 92
11 Never Eat Alone 99
12 Share Your Passions 105
13 Follow Up of Fail 111
14 Be a Conference Commando 116
15 Connecting with Connectors 136
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Paul Revere 145
16 Expanding Your Circle 148
17 The Art of Small Talk 152
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Brené Brown 158
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Dule Carnegie 167
Section 3 Turning Connections into Compatriots
18 Health, Wealth, and Children 173
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Adam Grant 182
19 Social Arbitrage 185
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Vernon Jordan 192
20 Pinging-All the Time 195
21 Find Anchor Tenants and Feed Them 205
Section 4 Connecting in the Digital Age
22 Tap the Fringe 219
23 Become the King of Content 236
24 Engineering Serendipity 254
Section 5 Trading Up and Giving Back
25 Be Interesting 269
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: The Dalai Lama 285
26 Build Your Brand 290
27 Boradcast Your Brand 298
28 Getting Close to Power 316
29 Build It and They Will Come 327
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Benjamin Franklin 332
30 Never Give In to Hubris 336
31 Find Mentors, Find Mentees. Repeat 342
Connectors’ Hall of Fame Profile: Eleanor Roosevelt 352
32 Balance Is B.S. 355
33 Welcome to the Connected Age 360
Index 369

Overview

The bestselling business classic on the power of relationships, updated with in-depth advice for making connections in the digital world.

Do you want to get ahead in life? Climb the ladder to personal success?

The secret, master networker Keith Ferrazzi claims, is in reaching out to other people. As Ferrazzi discovered in early life, what distinguishes highly successful people from everyone else is the way they use the power of relationships—so that everyone wins.

In Never Eat Alone, Ferrazzi lays out the specific steps—and inner mindset—he uses to reach out to connect with the thousands of colleagues, friends, and associates on his contacts list, people he has helped and who have helped him. And in the time since Never Eat Alone was published in 2005, the rise of social media and new, collaborative management styles have only made Ferrazzi’s advice more essential for anyone hoping to get ahead in business.

The son of a small-town steelworker and a cleaning lady, Ferrazzi first used his remarkable ability to connect with others to pave the way to Yale, a Harvard M.B.A., and several top executive posts. Not yet out of his thirties, he developed a network of relationships that stretched from Washington’s corridors of power to Hollywood’s A-list, leading to him being named one of Crain’s 40 Under 40 and selected as a Global Leader for Tomorrow by the Davos World Economic Forum.

Ferrazzi’s form of connecting to the world around him is based on generosity, helping friends connect with other friends. Ferrazzi distinguishes genuine relationship-building from the crude, desperate glad-handing usually associated with “networking.” He then distills his system of reaching out to people into practical, proven principles. Among them:

Don’t keep score: It’s never simply about getting what you want. It’s about getting what you want and making sure that the people who are important to you get what they want, too.
“Ping” constantly: The ins and outs of reaching out to those in your circle of contacts all the time—not just when you need something.
Never Eat Alone: The dynamics of status are the same whether you’re working at a corporation or attending a social event—“invisibility” is a fate worse than failure.
Become the “King of Content”: How to use social media sites like LinkedIn, Twitter, and Facebook to make meaningful connections, spark engagement, and curate a network of people who can help you with your interests and goals.

In the course of this book, Ferrazzi outlines the timeless strategies shared by the world’s most connected individuals, from Winston Churchill to Bill Clinton, Vernon Jordan to the Dalai Lama.

Chock-full of specific advice on handling rejection, getting past gatekeepers, becoming a “conference commando,” and more, this new edition of Never Eat Alone will remain a classic alongside alongside How to Win Friends and Influence People for years to come.

Review/Endorsements/Praise/Award

“Your network is your net worth. This book shows you how to add to your personal bottom line with better networking and bigger relationships. What a solid but easy read! Keith’s personality shines through like the great (and hip) teacher you never got in college or business school. Buy this book for yourself, and tomorrow go out and buy one for your kid brother!” —Tim Sanders, author of Love Is the Killer App: How to Win Business and Influence Friends and leadership coach at Yahoo!

“Everyone in business knows relationships and having a network of contacts is important. Finally we have a real-world guide to how to create your own high-powered network tailored to your career goals and personal style.” —Jon Miller, CEO, AOL

“I’ve seen Keith Ferrazzi in action and he is a master at building relationships and networking to further the interests of an enterprise. He’s sharing his playbook for those who want learn the secrets of this important executive art.” —Dr. Klaus Kleinfeld, CEO-designate, Siemens AG

“A business book that reads like a story—filled with personal triumphs and examples that leave no doubt to the reader that success in anything is built on meaningful relationships.” —James H. Quigley, CEO, Deloitte & Touche USA LLP

“Keith has long been a leading marketing innovator. His way with people truly makes him a star. In Never Eat Alone, he has taken his gift and created specific steps that are easily followed, to achieve great success.” —Robert Kotick, Chairman and CEO, Activision

“Keith’s insights on how to turn a conference, a meeting, or a casual contact into an extraordinary opportunity for mutual success make invaluable reading for people in all stages of their professional and personal lives. I strongly recommend it.” —Jeffrey E. Garten, Dean, Yale School of Management

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Chapter 1

Becoming a Member of the Club

Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone.

—Margaret Wheatley

How on earth did I get in here?” I kept asking myself in those early days as an overwhelmed first-year student at Harvard Business School.

There wasn’t a single accounting or finance class in my background. Looking around me, I saw ruthlessly focused young men and women who had undergraduate degrees in business. They’d gone on to crunch numbers or analyze spreadsheets in the finest firms on Wall Street. Most were from wealthy families and had pedigrees and legacies and Roman numerals in their names. Sure, I was intimidated.

How was a guy like me from a working-class family, with a liberal arts degree and a couple years at a traditional manufacturing company, going to compete with purebreds from McKinsey and Goldman Sachs who, from my perspective, seemed as if they’d been computing business data in their cribs?

It was a defining moment in my career, and in my life.

I was a country boy from southwestern Pennsylvania, raised in a small, hardworking steel and coal town outside of Latrobe called Youngstown. Our region was so rural you couldn’t see another house from the porch of our modest home. My father worked in the local steel mill; on weekends he’d do construction. My mother cleaned the homes of the doctors and lawyers in a nearby town. My brother escaped small-town life by way of the army; my sister got married in high school and moved out when I was a toddler.

At HBS, all the insecurities of my youth came rushing back. You see, although we didn’t have much money, my dad and mom were set on giving me the kind of opportunities my brother and sister (from my mom’s previous marriage) never got. My parents pushed me and sacrificed everything to get me the kind of education that only the well-to-do kids in our town could afford. The memories rushed back to those days when my mother would pick me up in our beat-up blue Nova at the bus stop of the private elementary school I attended, while the other children ducked into limos and BMWs. I was teased mercilessly about our car and my polyester clothes and fake Docksiders—reminded daily of my station in life.

The experience was a godsend in many ways, toughening my resolve and fueling my drive to succeed. It made clear to me there was a hard line between the haves and the have-nots. It made me angry to be poor. I felt excluded from what I saw as the old boys’ network. On the other hand, all those feelings pushed me to work harder than everyone around me.

Hard work, I reassured myself, was one of the ways I’d beaten the odds and gotten into Harvard Business School. But there was something else that separated me from the rest of my class and gave me an advantage. I seemed to have learned something long before I arrived in Cambridge that it seemed many of my peers had not.

As a kid, I caddied at the local country club for the homeowners and their children living in the wealthy town next to mine. It made me think often and hard about those who succeed and those who don’t. I made an observation in those days that would alter the way I viewed the world.

During those long stretches on the links, as I carried their bags, I watched how the people who had reached professional heights unknown to my father and mother helped one another. They found one another jobs, they invested time and money in one another’s ideas, and they made sure their kids got help getting into the best schools, got the right internships, and ultimately got the best jobs.

Before my eyes, I saw proof that success breeds success and, indeed, the rich do get richer. Their web of friends and associates was the most potent club the people I caddied for had in their bags. Poverty, I realized, wasn’t only a lack of financial resources; it was isolation from the kind of people who could help you make more of yourself.

I came to believe that in some very specific ways life, like golf, is a game, and that the people who know the rules, and know them well, play it best and succeed. And the rule in life that has unprecedented power is that the individual who knows the right people, for the right reasons, and utilizes the power of these relationships, can become a member of the “club,” whether he started out as a caddie or not.

This realization came with some empowering implications. To achieve your goals in life, I realized, it matters less how smart you are, how much innate talent you’re born with, or even, most eye opening to me, where you came from and how much you started out with. Sure, all these are important, but they mean little if you don’t understand one thing: You can’t get there alone. In fact, you can’t get very far at all.

Fortunately, I was hungry to make something of myself (and, frankly, even more terrified that I’d amount to nothing). Otherwise, perhaps I would have just stood by and watched like my friends in the caddy yard.

I first began to learn about the incredible power of relationships from Mrs. Pohland. Caryl Pohland was married to the owner of the big lumberyard in our town, and her son, Brett, who was my age, was my friend. They went to our church. At the time, I probably wanted to be Brett (great athlete, rich, all the girls falling over him).

At the club, I was Mrs. Pohland’s caddie. I was the only one who cared enough, ironically, to hide her cigarettes. I busted my behind to help her win every tournament. I’d walk the course the morning before to see where the tough pin placements were. I’d test the speed of the greens. Mrs. Pohland started racking up wins left and right. Every ladies’ day, I did such a great job that she would brag about me to her friends. Soon, others requested me.

I’d caddie thirty-six holes a day if I could get the work, and I made sure I treated the club’s caddie master as if he were a king. My first year, I won the annual caddie award, which gave me the chance to caddie for Arnold Palmer when he came to play on his hometown course. Arnie started out as a caddie himself at the Latrobe Country Club and went on to own the club as an adult. I looked up to him as a role model. He was living proof that success in golf, and in life, had nothing to do with class. It was about access (yes, and talent, at least in his case). Some gained access through birth or money. Some were fantastic at what they did, like Arnold Palmer. My edge, I knew, was my initiative and drive. Arnie was inspirational proof that your past need not be prologue to your future.

For years I was a de facto member of the Pohland family, splitting holidays with them and hanging out at their house nearly every day. Brett and I were inseparable, and I loved his family like my own. Mrs. Pohland made sure I got to know everyone in the club who could help me, and if she saw me slacking, I’d hear about it from her. I helped her on the golf course, and she, in appreciation of my efforts and the care I bestowed upon her, helped me in life. She provided me with a simple but profound lesson about the power of generosity. When you help others, they often help you. “Reciprocity” is the gussied-up word people use later in life to describe this ageless principle. I just knew the word as “care.” We cared for each other, so we went out of our way to do nice things.

Because of those days, and specifically that lesson, I came to realize that first semester at business school that Harvard’s hyper-competitive, individualistic students had it all wrong. Success in any field, but especially in business, is about working with people, not against them. No tabulation of dollars and cents can account for one immutable fact: Business is a human enterprise, driven and determined by people.

It wasn’t too far into my second semester before I started jokingly reassuring myself, “How on earth did all these other people get in here?”

What many of my fellow students lacked, I discovered, were the skills and strategies that are associated with fostering and building relationships. In America, and especially in business, we’re brought up to cherish John Wayne individualism. People who consciously court others to become involved in their lives are seen as schmoozers, brownnosers, smarmy sycophants.

Over the years, I learned that the outrageous number of misperceptions clouding those who are active relationship builders is equaled only by the misperceptions of how relationship building is done properly. What I saw on the golf course—friends helping friends and families helping families they cared about—had nothing to do with manipulation or quid pro quo. Rarely was there any running tally of who did what for whom, or strategies concocted in which you give just so you could get.

Over time, I came to see reaching out to people as a way to make a difference in people’s lives as well as a way to explore and learn and enrich my own; it became the conscious construction of my life’s path. Once I saw my networking efforts in this light, I gave myself permission to practice it with abandon in every part of my professional and personal life. I didn’t think of this behavior as cold and impersonal, the way I thought of “networking.” I was, instead, connecting—sharing my knowledge and resources, time and energy, friends and associates, and empathy and compassion in a continual effort to provide value to others, while coincidentally increasing my own. Like business itself, being a connector is not about managing transactions, but about managing relationships.

People who instinctively establish a strong network of relationships have always created great businesses. If you strip business down to its basics, it’s still about people selling things to other people. That idea can get lost in the tremendous hubbub the business world perpetually stirs up around everything from brands and technology to design and price considerations in an endless search for the ultimate competitive advantage. But ask accomplished CEOs or entrepreneurs or professionals how they achieved their success, and I guarantee you’ll hear very little business jargon. What you will mostly hear about are the people who helped pave their way, if they are being honest and are not too caught up in their own success.

After decades of successfully applying the power of relationships in my own life and career, I’ve come to believe that connecting is one of the most important business—and life—skill sets you’ll ever learn. Why? Because, flat out, people do business with people they know and like. Careers—in every imaginable field—work the same way. Even our overall well-being and sense of happiness, as a library’s worth of research has shown, is dictated in large part by the support and guidance and love we get from the community we build for ourselves.

It took me a while to figure out exactly how to go about connecting with others. But I knew for certain that whether I wanted to become president of the United States or the president of a local PTA, there were a lot of other people whose help I would need along the way.

Self-Help: A Misnomer

How do you turn an acquaintance into a friend? How can you get other people to become emotionally invested in your advancement? Why are there some lucky schmos who always leave business conferences with months’ worth of lunch dates and a dozen potential new associates, while others leave only with indigestion? Where are the places you go to meet the kind of people who could most impact your life?

From my earliest days growing up in Latrobe, I found myself absorbing wisdom and advice from every source imaginable—friends, books, neighbors, teachers, family. My thirst to reach out was almost unquenchable. But in business, I found nothing came close to the impact of mentors. At every stage in my career, I sought out the most successful people around me and asked for their help and guidance.

I first learned the value of mentors from a local lawyer named George Love. He and the town’s stockbroker, Walt Saling, took me under their wings. I was riveted by their stories of professional life and their nuggets of street-smart wisdom. My ambitions were sown in the fertile soil of George’s and Walt’s rambling business escapades, and ever since, I’ve been on the lookout for others who could teach or inspire me. Later in life, as I rubbed shoulders with business leaders, store owners, politicians, and movers and shakers of all stripes, I started to gain a sense of how our country’s most successful people reach out to others, and how they invite those people’s help in accomplishing their goals.

I learned that real networking was about finding ways to make other people more successful. It was about working hard to give more than you get. And I came to believe that there was a litany of tough-minded principles that made this softhearted philosophy possible.

These principles would ultimately help me achieve things I didn’t think I was capable of. They would lead me to opportunities otherwise hidden to a person of my upbringing, and they’d come to my aid when I failed, as we all do on occasion. I was never in more dire need of that aid than during my first job out of business school at Deloitte & Touche Consulting.

By conventional standards, I was an awful entry-level consultant. Put me in front of a spreadsheet and my eyes glaze over, which is what happened when I found myself on my first project, huddled in a cramped, windowless room in the middle of suburbia, files stretching from floor to ceiling, poring over a sea of data with a few other first-year consultants. I tried; I really did. But I just couldn’t. I was convinced boredom that bad was lethal.

I was clearly well on my way to getting fired or quitting.

Luckily, I had already applied some of the very rules of networking that I was still in the process of learning. In my spare time, when I wasn’t painfully attempting to analyze some data-ridden worksheet, I reached out to ex-classmates, professors, old bosses, and anyone who might stand to benefit from a relationship with Deloitte. I spent my weekends giving speeches at small conferences around the country on a variety of subjects I had learned at Harvard, mostly under the tutelage of Len Schlessinger (to whom I owe my speaking style today). All this in an attempt to drum up both business and buzz for my new company. I had mentors throughout the organization, including the CEO, Pat Loconto.

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