Do your senses and emotions often distract you? Does it seem like other people are oblivious to the things that drive you crazy? Have you always felt a bit different? You may be a Highly Sensitive person, meaning it takes less stimulation for you to become overwhelmed. In this book review of The Highly Sensitive Person, you’ll learn what it means to be highly sensitive and how you can harness your sensitivity for success and happiness.
Understand this genetic trait that affects 20% of the population.
READ THIS BOOK REVIEW IF YOU:
- Often feel overwhelmed or need to be alone
- Wonder why you can’t handle the same activities that your friends can
- Want to learn how to handle sensitivity and overstimulation
Content Summary
Introduction
If you’ve been told your entire life that you’re “too sensitive” or “need thicker skin,” you’re probably a highly sensitive person, or HSP. You’ve probably also learned to think of this trait as a flaw or something you need to “get over.”
But high sensitivity isn’t a flaw. It’s an inherited trait affecting about 20% of people, and it simply means you’re more aware of stimulation than others. Noticing the subtleties in your environment is not a bad thing; it can even be extremely useful in some situations. But it also means you get overwhelmed easily. For example, bright lights and loud noises probably have a greater impact on you, as well as painful or embarrassing situations. You probably find yourself wanting to be alone quite often.
Being an HSP isn’t a defect, nor is it something to overcome. Instead, it is a valuable trait to be appreciated and used to your advantage, just like any other personality trait. If you’ve felt different, weird, or misunderstood your entire life, welcome to the club.
The Facts About Being Highly Sensitive
As a child, loud noises made Kristen upset. She worked hard in school, but her teachers called her “spacey.” Her parents tested everything from her hearing to her psychological development to her brain activity. Doctors concluded that Kristen was completely healthy; she simply struggled to filter out excessive stimuli. But all the tests and doubts made their mark: Kristen knew she wasn’t “normal.”
Stimuli that most people can ignore, like loud noises or strong smells, are highly stimulating for Hsps. But there are two facts to remember about high sensitivity:
- First, the best amount of arousal for anyone, not just HSPs, is right in the middle. Too little stimulation is boring, but too much is stressful and confusing.
- Second, the exact same situation or stimuli can arouse two radically different responses in two different people.
This means that HSPs notice stimuli that other people don’t, which is why HSPs are often more intuitive. Sensitive people also tend to be conscientious and wise, and compared to everyone else, HSPs are especially vigilant and accurate, noticing errors quickly and learning subconsciously. Many innovators and artists are HSPs.
But on the flipside, this also means that HSPs become overwhelmed by stimuli that is considered moderate or inconsequential to others. And unfortunately, overstimulation usually leads to poor performance in daily life. If you find yourself fumbling through a task when someone is looking over your shoulder, you might be an HSP.
Being highly sensitive can be an advantage or a disadvantage, depending on the situation. Thus, it’s best to dismiss the idea of clear-cut positivity or negativity and think of sensitivity neutrally. Some people are sensitive, and some people aren’t; the world needs both kinds of people.
Digging Deeper
Rob and Rebecca are fraternal twins, but they were different from each other from the beginning. Rebecca would fall asleep right away, but Rob cried until his parents rocked him. Rob later suffered from nightmares, while Rebecca slept soundly. Rebecca loved restaurants, the ocean, and carousels — and Rob feared all these things.
High sensitivity is not a learned behavior but a congenital trait that is genetically determined and informed by your early life. Cases like Rob and Rebecca’s make this clear, but there is also scientific evidence to support the claim that sensitivity is genetically determined. Dr. Jerome Kagan found that that some babies have higher levels of norepinephrine and cortisol, the hormones associated with stress and arousal. These babies had stronger reactions to stimuli and were more likely to fear new scenarios later in life.
Some have concluded that there are two brain systems affecting sensitivity: The activation system, which tells the body to move toward stimuli, making us curious and bold, and the inhibition system, which warns us to stop and consider danger, making us more cautious. The strength of these systems will determine your sensitivity level.
The distinction between these two systems also explains why there are varying levels of sensitivity among HSPs. An HSP with an average-to-strong inhibition system and weak activation system is probably hesitant and quiet, but the HSP with a strong activation system and an even stronger inhibition system feels torn between curiosity and caution. These people are probably daring and anxious, bored yet overwhelmed.
Fortunately, Rob’s parents were calm, understanding, and nurturing. He learned that he had support, which gave him the courage to explore and grow. Less fortunate children with poor support systems often avoid new stimuli, creating even more unknown scenarios and fear in a vicious cycle of anxiety. But this isn’t a life sentence: Adults who understand their sensitive trait can use it to their benefit.
General Health and Lifestyle for HSPs
The highly sensitive body has special needs, but many HSPs abuse their bodies in two main ways: over-protecting and overstimulating.
An HSP may turn inward, seeking respite from the overwhelming world. But the more you engage in a habit, the less interesting it becomes. Think about the first time you drove a car: You were probably nervous and excited. Your heart was pounding, and you noticed every tiny detail on the road. But now, after years of practice, you can practically drive on autopilot. The same will be true of any activity. Before you can enjoy the world, you must be in the world.
On the other hand, some HSPs feel pressured by societal standards and force themselves to be out too much in their career goals, leisure activities, or relationships. But HSPs’ bodies react negatively to this stress, giving them warning signs like fatigue, insomnia, or migraines. When you do become overstimulated, there are many strategies for calming your senses. One is reframing: Take note of the familiar aspects of the situation and remember that you have successfully dealt with them before. Another strategy is repeating a mantra that calms you down.
Practice this mantra daily through meditation for it to be powerful and effective. An HSP must decide what is right for them personally, even if it means ignoring societal expectations. Just because the world says you “should” want to go overseas or become a powerful executive doesn’t mean you would enjoy those things. The balance between in and out is a fine line, and it’s a very personal decision.
Reframing Your Childhood and Adolescence
As discussed above, one of the most effective strategies for embracing your sensitivity is reframing your past experiences in light of your new understanding of sensitivity. Situations that made you feel like a failure or outcast look completely different once you know yourself better.
Going to school for the first time is overwhelming for any child, let alone HSPs. New sights, sounds, and faces bombard you, and you must deal with them for an entire day. As a child, you may have withdrawn, preferring to play alone or observe from the side. You weren’t being “weird” or antisocial; you were simply doing your best to deal with the stimulation. Thus, playing alone is perfectly healthy.
Adolescence is another stage that is stressful for everyone. Research shows that HSPs usually identify high school as their most difficult and stressful time. New responsibilities, future goals, and biological changes may have been too much for you during this period, possibly leading you to make drastic decisions like dropping out of school or abusing drugs. Remember to give yourself grace: High sensitivity is hard for stable adults, so it can be especially brutal for adolescents.
Some HSPs cope by delaying adulthood. Perhaps you lived at home for a few years after high school or stayed in your hometown. These are perfectly legitimate and helpful strategies for HSPs, not failures.
Social Relationships
Shyness and sensitivity are often confused, but they’re not the same. Sensitivity is inherited, but shyness is not; rather, it is a learned behavior resulting from perceived failure in social situations. If someone thinks they failed socially in the past, they will think about that in their next social encounter, making them more aroused and more likely to “fail” again. This can develop into a downward spiral and result in chronic shyness. HSPs aren’t shy by definition; they’re just more likely to enter the spiral that causes shyness.
“Shy” disregards your sensitivity to stimuli. Being over aroused doesn’t necessarily mean you are afraid; it’s just as possible that your overstimulation at a party is due to the loud music or flashing lights, rather than the people. Furthermore, shyness has negative connotations in many cultures, ignoring all the positive aspects of sensitivity, like intuition and conscientiousness.
Additionally, the label “shy” is a self-fulfilling prophecy. In one experiment, a group of women had to have a one-on-one conversation with a man. Some of the shy women were told that their symptoms of overstimulation, such as sweating or a racing pulse, were due to the loud music. The rest of the shy women were told nothing. In the end, the “shy” women who believed their physical reaction was due to the music were just as talkative and assertive as the non-shy women. They became less shy because they didn’t think there was a social reason for their arousal. In other words, assuming you’re “shy” because you feel overwhelmed in social settings isn’t necessarily accurate — but if you believe it, it may be.
The next time you feel social anxiety, think of it as a temporary state that can be fixed, like being in a cold room: You can leave, adjust the temperature, or put on a sweater. You aren’t doomed to be cold forever. In social situations, you can find another sensitive person to talk to, look for a quieter room, step outside for a moment, or leave altogether. Don’t buy into the false belief that you are inherently shy or incapable of being social.
Thriving at Work
Of all the challenges HSPs face, work is the most urgent. HSPs can have difficulty at work if they don’t appreciate their trait or if their organization doesn’t understand the enormous value a sensitive person brings to the table. The world needs more HSPs, especially in positions of power. Non-HSPs are more likely to make impulsive decisions, while HSPs detect problems before they arise and act conscientiously. Modern societies may idealize non-HSPs, but they cannot thrive without sensitive workers.
Finding your calling requires listening to your small, inner voice. HSPs excel at this but still struggle at work, likely because they’re at greater risk of succumbing to low self-confidence. You may already know what you want to do but believe you are incapable or unworthy of doing it. But now that you understand more about sensitivity and how to deal with it, there is nothing you cannot do. The only true failure is not trying at all.
The stereotype of an entrepreneur is usually an outgoing extrovert who loves networking and sales, but HSPs can just as easily start their own businesses using other strategies. Marketing through writing and emailing are effective, as is collaborating with a non-HSP. Additionally, HSPs are more likely to analyze trends and intuit market demand, making them better equipped for entrepreneurship than non-HSPs.
In the working world, HSPs do best when they don’t force themselves into overwhelming roles or when they can shape their roles appropriately. One teacher, for example, refused to work after 4 p.m. to give their sensitive body time to rest, and their productivity actually increased as a result.
Keep yourself healthy, listen to your body, and take pride in the traits only sensitive people possess — traits that every industry needs.
Close Relationships
Humans are wired for connection and community; thus, HSPs and non-HSPs alike find their greatest fulfilment in life in close relationships. This doesn’t necessarily mean romantic relationships, but HSPs do tend to fall in love hard. One study showed that people were more likely to fall in love during heightened, aroused states, so it’s easy to see why HSPs might get swept away easily.
Two HSPs can make wonderful friends or partners. There is a mutual understanding of needs and limitations and, often, common interests. However, two HSPs will avoid the same tasks, so important things may go undone. Two HSPs must also be wary of hiding away and becoming withdrawn.
If you’re an HSP in a relationship with a non-HSP, you can each take different roles. Your partner can do the things you find overstimulating, and you can provide less tangible benefits, such as deeper awareness or spirituality. But you should both be wary of falling so hard into your roles that you become incapable of doing anything else. Take the time to try new things, even if the relationship isn’t as efficient that way. There are also going to be times when your non-HSP partner doesn’t understand your limitations. They may push you to join in or feel hurt that you want to be alone. You need to take charge: Explain your high sensitivity and what you need to be your best self.
You should also keep in mind that relationships need fresh experiences to thrive. Because HSPs already find normal life stimulating, they may be tempted to sit at home every night, but their partners may soon become bored. It’s important to do new things together.
Healing Deeper Wounds
Because of their ability to take in the most subtle nuances of a situation, including the disturbing ones, HSPs with difficult childhoods are at risk of developing anxiety disorders and depression in adulthood. Furthermore, HSPs are at a greater risk of suicide than the general population.
Four useful types of therapy for highly sensitive people experiencing depression or severe anxiety are cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, physical therapy, and spiritual therapy. Each has its own benefits and drawbacks and is best suited to different contexts.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) changes your thought processes and behaviors in a logical way and gives you the skills to identify and dismiss irrational beliefs or fears. CBT can help HSPs manage their activation and inhibition systems, giving them more control over their senses.
CBT’s major drawback is that it’s heavily logic-oriented, and therefore, some therapists may not understand the HSP’s intuitive side.
Interpersonal Therapy
Interpersonal therapy (IPT) is a more traditional kind of therapy: You talk with a therapist or group to explore your feelings and experiences. This is great for HSPs to hone their intuition and explore their feelings.
However, it can also be difficult to leave a therapy program. HSPs may use IPT to endlessly explore their deeper side and avoid the world.
Physical Therapy
Physical therapies include medication, exercise, diet, acupuncture, and yoga, among others. These methods are very effective when an HSP is going through an especially emotionally difficult time. If your thoughts or stress are spinning out of control, a physiological change can lead to psychological change.
However, HSPs should be mindful of their sensitivity level when seeking physical therapy, especially if they take medication.
Spiritual Therapy
Spiritual therapy explores the nonmaterial and is rooted in the idea that there is a greater purpose to life or forces behind life that we cannot see. These approaches tend to be appealing to HSPs because of their introspective, intuitive nature. Indeed, seeing the world differently can have a calming effect.
However, spiritual studies shouldn’t replace other work that helps an HSP understand their thoughts and reactions. Spirituality also often focuses on abandoning the “self” to something or someone greater, which can be dangerous for HSPs if they already have low self-esteem.
Above all, psychotherapy is immensely helpful for everyone, especially HSPs and those with traumatic childhoods. These methods can give you the tools to cope with daily life and understand your thoughts.
Conclusion
Viktor Frankl was an Austrian physician and psychologist who was imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp. His classic text Man’s Search for Meaning makes it clear that he was also an HSP. Frankl used his intuition to understand the emotional needs of his fellow prisoners, and he took on the role of spiritual advisor and encourager. During one especially brutal winter night, Frankl spoke to the other prisoners, encouraging them to find inner meaning, despite their circumstances. Several men had been planning to commit suicide that night, but Frankl’s words inspired them to keep living.
As an HSP, you’re not like everyone else. You feel things deeply, sense what others dismiss, and look inward for answers. Throughout your life, you may have been called “shy,” been dismissed or judged, or felt that you needed to change your nature to fit in with society. But Frankl’s story clearly shows the power of the HSP.
You are not inferior to non-HSPs. Your strengths are different, but they are just as valuable and effective. The world needs all kinds of people — especially HSPs.
About the author
Dr. Elaine Aron is a psychologist and writer who has been exploring sensory sensitivity since the early 1990s. Dr. Aron and her husband also study the psychology of love and relationships. Her other books include The Highly Sensitive Child, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, and The Undervalued Self.
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