If you’ve suffered the loss of someone close to you, you’ve experienced Grief. You may have wondered if you grieved in a healthy way, the “right” way. I did.
We’ve all heard about the five stages of grief and when we find ourselves in the thick of it, we self-monitor to figure out where we are. And maybe we worry that we’re either not grieving enough, or that we might become stuck in unending pain.
But what if you learned that the theory of grief we’ve relied on for the past forty years wasn’t really accurate? That there’s an aspect to mourning that we’ve completely missed?
In his book, The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss, George Bonanno reveals how most people mourn and experience grief. And how we are wired to both grieve and be sad but how this wiring actually gives us the strength to recover.
George Bonanno is a bereavement researcher and psychologist who has studied emotions, grief, and bereavement. Using stories of people who have lost parents, siblings, spouses, and children, he illustrates what his research has also shown – that there are three common grief reactions:
- Chronic grief – This is the kind most of us probably think of and fear. The pain of loss overwhelms people, sometimes for years, affecting their daily life.
- Recovery – For people who have this experience, the grief is acute but doesn’t last long (less than a year) and they pick up the pieces and move forward.
- Resilience – This is where most people fall. The pain is not overwhelming or unending. It is painful for a while, but then they “regain [their] equilibrium and move on.”
So there are some for whom grief becomes a quagmire they cannot navigate. But for most grief is quite different from what we’ve been told.
After giving an overview of his new theory of grief, Bonanno takes us through the history of how grief has been viewed and undertaken. He shows how we came to believe that first, positive emotions too soon after a loss were unhealthy, second, that too much talking about lost loved ones was also unhealthy, and third, that we have these five stages we must walk through to have properly done our grief work. None of these beliefs is actually accurate.
Instead of the five stages, Bonanno talks about the different emotions and reactions people have while grieving. His research shows again and again that most people cycle through grief and sadness but also experience moments of positive emotion.
The sadness we experience has a purpose. Sadness and grief oscillate. We actually cycle through them. And other more positive emotions also enter the cycle. Some hope, maybe some laughter. Relief, possibly comfort. No emotion lasts forever, and while the sadness after great loss can be intense at first, it waxes and wanes. Over the months, and even over the years, it lessens.
Bonanno redefines what healthy grief looks like. Healthy grief often continues the bond we have with our lost loved ones, and even with our ancestors, if we so choose. That bond often brings comfort. But if we don’t feel a close bond after they’ve gone, that’s okay, too.
If someone appears to have moved on too soon from their grief, we often think they must not have been close with the person they lost. But Bonanno has found that this isn’t true, either. According to his findings, there is no correlation between the experience of grief and the quality of the relationship that has been lost.
Traditionally we’ve told ourselves that if we aren’t sad enough, the experience of loss didn’t mean that much, wasn’t as severe as it could be. Instead of discounting the severity of the trauma or loss we’ve experienced, Bonanno says, we can understand that we are resilient.
We’re wired to bounce back, we’re made to continue living. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for this. We minimize it in ourselves or maybe even shame others for it. We think that there’s some connection between the depth of our grief and the strength of our love. There is no such connection.
Bonanno points out that therapy isn’t actually helpful for a lot of people because many people don’t need it. They do not get stuck in grief. It is extremely useful for those who do find themselves in chronic grief. There is hope in that fact.
Bonanno does go into detail, though, on how sometimes unnecessary therapy can actually be harmful, such as after a traumatic event in a community. So therapy needs to take into consideration the needs of the patients or people who may need it. He explains the proper therapy for those suffering from prolonged grief.
To round out the picture of grief that Bonanno has painted, he includes chapters on how different cultures mourn and the traditions and rituals many use to commemorate others.
He also addresses ways we think about mortality. He discusses our beliefs of heaven, afterlife, and what happens when we die. Some cultures only think about the afterlife, while others embrace it and weave it into the fabric of their lives.
He’s also found that it is quite common to experience a sense of connection with those who have passed. Likewise, many have odd, difficult to explain experiences that feel as if their loved one has visited them or sent a sign. These happen far more than most people realize. Bonanno has interviewed thousands of people and many of them do admit to talking to their loved ones or feeling they are still “there” in some way. In The Orphaned Adult, Andrew Levy said the same thing.
This fact becomes clear as you read this book: we are well-equipped to deal with loss. We are made for this. Grief doesn’t break us even though we think it might. And the tools we use are the various emotions that ebb and flow as we grieve.
You can really see the purpose of emotion in our lives. And that each emotion comes and goes. No emotion stays with us long term. This is what makes us resilient. Our emotions don’t weaken us, our emotions equip us for life.
Bonanno never loses sight of the fact that about a third of people do have trouble with the grief process. While highlighting the resilience of so many people, he never discounts the difficulty of those who get stuck. He says while they don’t yet fully understand why this happens, there may be genetic and psychological factors involved.
There are so many wonderful quotes from the book, but here are just three that really stood out to me:
The relationships we have with others will not necessarily determine whether we will cope well if they die, … one doesn’t have to be an exceptional person to deal well with loss.”
page 71
We are not accustomed to thinking of grief as a process of finding comfort. … but this is precisely what resilient people tend to do.”
page 72
Death evokes in us a powerful dissonance. It terrifies us but still we remain curious. When we grieve, we live with the dissonance.”
page 201
I read about this book in the memoir Four Funerals and a Wedding. Both books are more positive than I expected them to be. And both are not only about loss but also about life, about connection to our loved ones, and about the amazing capacity of humans to thrive in the face of adversity.
This message feels especially important today, this week, and for the coming weeks and months.
I highly recommend The Other Side of Sadness to anyone who has experienced grief. Even if that grief was years ago. It is a surprisingly uplifting and reassuring book that made me appreciate our ability as humans to live with loss. And to appreciate how we are equipped for life, how our emotions help us heal, and how we can think about something as huge and unknown as death.
Bonanno stands with us as we look at the idea of death with “terror and curiosity,” and truly appreciate the wonder that is life.
Book cover carynwrites.com
Lake by Jeimo from Pixabay / filtered from original
