Main cast: Vin Diesel (Dominic Toretto), Michelle Rodriguez (Letty Ortiz), Tyrese Gibson (Roman Pearce), Chris “Ludacris” Bridges (Tej Parker), John Cena (Jakob Toretto), Nathalie Emmanuel (Ramsey), Jordana Brewster (Mia Toretto), Sung Kang (Han Lue), Scott Eastwood (Little Nobody), Daniela Melchior (Isabel Neves), Alan Ritchson (Agent Aimes), Joaquim de Almeida (Hernan Reyes), Leo Abelo Perry (Brian “Little B” Marcos), Helen Mirren (Magdalene “Queenie” Ellmanson-Shaw), Brie Larson (Tess), Rita Moreno (Abuelita Toretto), Jason Statham (Deckard Shaw), Jason Momoa (Dante Reyes), and Charlize Theron (Cipher)
Director: Louis Leterrier

This is the freaking tenth—tenth!— movie in the whole Fast & Furious franchise, and not even the death of a main cast member could stop it from keep pushing forward like a terminally ill family member that persists in living just to spite the rest of the family. Considering that this movie under performed in the box office, however, maybe there will finally be an end in sight.

Would anyone have imagined, over 20 years ago when the first movie came out, that by the tenth movie, these people would have gone from car-racing criminals to agents of the Agency? That Tej is now a freaking hacker? Where they once sped dangerously, now their vehicles act like they are in a live action remake of M.A.S.K. but minus the cool transforming vehicles? Wait, I suppose that scene of them using their vehicles to go to space may count, and no, if you have not watched the previous movies, let me assure you that I am not joking about this.

So, I read that Fast X, which sounds like a pornographic spoof of the franchise, is supposed to be a return to some semblance of normalcy after the lunacy of last few movies, but I was already skeptical.

Vin Diesel’s ego won’t allow anyone to distract Dominic Toretto from the final endgame: a superhero god that will make every other superhero weep in shame. Apparently, he had driven off two directors before Louis Leterrier steps up to the plate, maybe because he’s the only one capable of nodding subserviently to everything Mr Diesel demands of him. 

Anyway, the story. It all begins when the idiot posse—Tej, Roman, Ramsey, and Hue—accepts a mission from the Agency to steal some computer chip in Rome. Meanwhile, Dom and Letty stay home with their brat because this movie is all about the dreaded F word now. No, I am talking about “family”, and now I hate you all for making me say that word out loud because god, it’s like Dom says this word every time his brain breaks down and he doesn’t know what else to say. 

So yes, Dom and Letty are then warned by Cipher, who is played by Charlize Theron and hence too big a character to be killed, that the whole thing is a set-up and the idiot posse is heading right into a trap set by Dante Reyes, the brother of… okay, I’ve lost track of the nonsensical plot lines of the last few movies so let’s just say that Dante wants to avenge a loser brother of his that crossed the path of Dom and his F-squad in the past and came up worse for wear.

Alan Ritchson, who looks like he’d spent six weeks hibernating in an oven to get ready for his role, plays Agent Aimes, the replacement of Mr Nobody because the movie people had already paid enough for the salaries of Brie Larson, Ms Theron, and Jason Momoa and they don’t have any spare change for Kurt Russell unless the D-list cast members are willing to forgo the catering. He leads the Agency into a manhunt against the F-squad, whom he blames for the mess created by Dante just to frame the F-squad.

Fortunately for Dom, Captain Marvel has faith in him and his F-squad, so that counts for Ms Larson’s back-up plan when The Marvels floppity-flop-flops later this year and the whole MCU is sold off to Apple or something. Also having glorified cameos are Jason Statham, Helen Mirren, John Cena, and a few more people, including characters that are supposed to be dead or on Mr Diesel’s permanent black list—maybe this franchise is now the fall back plan for actors of ailing franchise, I don’t know, as if this franchise hadn’t been ailing enough. Yes, people, nobody is dead on this show, unless you count Chris Hemsworth’s wife because there can only be one missus worthy of Dom’s big chrome dome. 

In a way, the movie does feel toned down to a comparatively realistic degree—when compared to the previous few movies, that is—but it feels so tired and uninspired now. Yes, the same explosions, the same old scenes set up to have everyone worship Dom Seagal and chirp about what an awesome god he is, the same scenes of all the idiot posse crew members existing just to sit around and nod to everything Dom says, and I’m sure Mr Diesel has added another chin or two by now. 

I was told beforehand that this movie has a twist that will blow me away. Uh huh, when the twist pops up, I already see it coming because the actor involved in the scene cooked himself into the color of baked potato skin just to match the skin tone of Dante Momoa.

All in all, it’s business as usual, and this movie is just an uninspired rehash of the same stuff that had been rehashed in the last few movies. Perhaps wanting to tone things down a little is a mistake, as heaven knows, maybe these characters’ cars flying to Mars to destroy evil aliens could at least provide some zany entertainment. As it is, this one just feels like the stale old gruel barely warmed before it is forced down my throat.

Oh, and the movie ends on a cliffhanger. Faster XI is on its way, and god help us all.

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