Ruth Ann Nordin, $2.99, ISBN 978-1458063625
Historical Romance, 2011
Poor Lucy. The Heroine of Ruth Ann Nordin’s Bid for a Bride learns that her husband, whom she barely had time to put out to on the wedding bed, is married, and now he’s auctioning her off to any bloke in the neighborhood that has the money.
Ah, dating is always so much more complicated in the days before hook-up apps.
Fortunately, the preacher rescues her from the horror of being married off to fat, ugly, and poor (oh god indeed) men and even linking her up to kind people that will give her a job and a place to stay. He even helps to help Lucy’s marriage annulled on the grounds of bigamy on the SOB’s part.
The stars always align perfectly when you’re a hot and sexy romance heroine.
Now there is another problem. During her one-week marriage from hell, Lucy did put out, so now there is a possibility that she may be knocked up with the Antichrist or something. Will any man kindly step up to be Lucy’s husband in order to protect her from the stigma of being a baby mama?
Because we haven’t finished handing Lucy the solutions to all her problems on a golden platter, up steps Brian Evans, the adopted son of one of Lucy’s new friends. He’s of course handsome, kind, gentle, good with the hands, and hung down where it counts. Okay, so he isn’t a wealthy oil baron or whatever counts for billionaire tycoons in 19th century South Dakota, but it’s not like he’s living on the streets, so it’s still another easy win for Lucy.
Okay, so all of Lucy’s problems are solved and I’m only a quarter-way into the story. What will happen in the rest of this thing?
Why, our heroine whining about how it’s all her fault that she married that vile Adam fellow, although I notice she stopped short of blaming herself for dragging others into cleaning up her mess. That makes her seem like an entitled sort, as if she thought it’s perfectly natural for everyone else to make her life comfortable, if I want to be petty, heh.
To add to the exciting drama, the heroine will also moan about how Brian will never love her… even if he had been everything a dream husband could ever be. No, he also has to express his love for her eloquently, clearly because she’s too dense to intuit or infer.
Oh, and she also has to get used to her new life, which leads to interminable scenes of her moaning and groaning while everyone else rushes to see to her comfort.
What is this? What am I reading? I suppose this could be some kind of romantic escapism for readers that want to read about a heroine being pampered and cherished 24/7, but I find it an unsatisfying fantasy because the heroine doesn’t do anything aside from just accepting everyone’s charity and generosity like a nodding bobble-head of Cleopatra on the Nile.
Later in the story, even her parents show up for reconciliation, which means Lucy’s life is now almost perfect despite having done nothing to earn any of the good things happening to her.
Finally, the villain that was barely mentioned up to that point turns into a psychotic cartoon monster, because they are so blinded with bitter jealousy of Lucy being so hot, so sexy, so everything. This is the last gasp for the author to have Lucy do something, anything—perhaps trying to escape the villain—but no, our heroine just lies there and waits to be rescued.
Seriously, what is this? What am I reading here? Am I supposed to be impressed by a story in which the heroine doesn’t do squat to earn any of the good things that just keep falling onto her lap?
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