Main cast: Robyn Alomar (Alana), Nadine Bhabha (Sadie), Matias Garrido (Doc), Corteon Moore (Mo), Emma Elle Paterson (Mitchy), Tori Barban (Merry), Dakota Jamal Wellman (The Prez), Kenny Wong (Jackson), Tim Rozon (The Magician), and Mary Walsh (Carne)
Director: Philippe Gagnon

The original Terror Train came out in 1980, and it was a hit due to the presence of one of the most iconic scream queens of that time, Jamie Lee Curtis. That movie also had a pretty interesting cast comprising the likes of Ben Johnson, Hart Bochner, Vanity, and yes, David Copperfield as a magician that plays a pretty big part in the plot.

I personally thought the movie was fine, but it wouldn’t rank high on my personal list of top slasher movies. Actually, it might not have even landed on the list, heh, as I sort of forgot the movie even existed until Tubi decided in their eternal wisdom to remake it as part of their original offerings. Terror what? Oh, that Terror Train!

The story is pretty similar to the original. Alana, the goody-goody type, reluctantly takes part in a university sorority initiation prank involving poor Kenny, a new pledge from the affiliated fraternity. Thanks to the resident asshole Doc, the prank is accelerated to an extreme degree that ends up sending Kenny into a loony house.

Three years later, the same group of friends celebrate Halloween with the rest of their fraternity and sorority, and a train has been booked for this occasion.

Alana has hooked up with Mo, which is an issue in a trivial Teen Soap Opera way because Doc dislikes the hook-up and does his best to sabotage the couple, including trying to get Alana catch Mo in a compromising situation. Maybe I will care if I try a bit… nope, can’t be bothered, sorry.

Am I supposed to root for Alana? She’s friends with a bunch of obnoxious, vapid turd bubbles, and I suspect she’s more like them than she lets on.

Since everyone is in costume, it is easy for, oh, a killer, to slip among the guests and start thinning the herd one by one. Now I care. Kill them all!

This movie is unfortunate in that I am ancient enough to have watched the original movie. While watching this one, I find myself recalling more and more of the original movie and realize how lazy this remake is. Sure, it’s just a remake, but come on, does it have to be such a faithful reboot?

Oh wait, they did the obligatory lazy switching of certain characters’ skin color and sex. They also slap on a “twist” that is taken straight out of the first Halloween movie, so I suppose that counts for an itty-bitty semblance of “originality” and “effort” when Hollywood is completely devoid of these things nowadays?

Now, many of the issues I have with the story are the same as those with the original story, which shouldn’t be surprising given how lazy this remake is: unlikable and unsympathetic main characters as well as incessant outright dumb decisions that serve only to move the kills along.

Sadly, Robyn Alamar is no Jamie Lee Curtis, as she fails to make her character even a little sympathetic. The rather robotic acting doesn’t help. Furthermore, Alana would have happily ruined another innocent man’s life had the actual killer hadn’t shown up, as she’s so determined, just because, that that man must be the killer. This wretch being the final girl is one of the biggest downers in the history of slasher movies.

Also, Tim Rozon is no David Copperfield, although he’s cute. He just doesn’t bring on the flair that would have made him a convincing magician.

Nadine Bhabha doesn’t have much to do as Sadie, the beleaguered conductor that already has her hands full with the idiot rowdy morons on the train without having to deal with a killer onboard as well, but Sadie is the most likable character of the lot, and a part of me wishes so much that she is my spirit animal and is actually the killer. Sadly, this remake isn’t as creative as me, heh.

On the bright side, Matias Garrido plays a really despicable Doc, which is nice as it makes rooting for his death so much more fun.

The biggest problem here, though, is that for the first half or so, the movie is all about the teen soap opera. Since I don’t give a damn about these gnats, I find myself bored out of my mind and wondering whether I’d have to start sacrificing a chicken or two to get this movie to start killing them off.

The kills are fine, when they finally happen, mostly because the characters that get killed are so unlikable, but at the same time, they aren’t done in a particularly memorable way that could have elevated this movie.

At any rate, Terror Train is a forgettable remake of an already forgettable slasher film. It’s content to just be a rehash without doing much heavy lifting to keep things fresh or interesting, so its existence is a pointless one.

One may as well just watch the original which, while isn’t a great film in the first place, manages to be far more interesting than this one. Last I checked, it’s actually available on YouTube for free!

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