I don’t really drink. I don’t do drugs. I have, however, on several occasions, sent a text to friends that made them question my sobriety. I sent a longer list of these to my friends, and they told me that I should share it with people who just met me as an icebreaker. So when I started writing for Write Through the Night, I thought maybe I would give all of you reading some insight into who I am. 

Here are six of the greatest hits, and my futile attempts to give them context. 

1. “Is there a Stop & Shop in Kalamazoo?”– Firstly, yes I know I could’ve googled this (which I did, three hours later, and yes, there is a Stop & Shop there.) Second, I had had a dream the night before where my friend offered to bring me grocery shopping (insert gay stereotype of not being able to drive) and I responded with “I will only go to the Stop & Shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan.” I live in Massachusetts so that would be an absurd amount of traveling, and I would never ask someone to make that trip. I don’t know what this means, and I would rather not analyze it.

2. “Do dolphins fear death?” Dolphins are almost as smart, if not smarter, than humans, so I assume the idea of their mortality comes to their minds at least once in a while. I think this is an incredibly valid question and I won’t be taking criticism at this time.

3. “What secrets do you think John Legend is sitting on?” He always has a silly little smirk and I just want to know what he’s hiding. I am a very curious (read: nosy) person and I must know the hot goss. Give it to me, Johnny Boy. 

4.  “If there is a God, why can’t I hug bears?” I literally ask this multiple times a week, and it never fails to make me cry (I may or may not have cried just writing this, but you have no proof)

5.  “Do you think turtles know how much I love them and root for them in all foot races?” Yes this is a reference to the fable of the Tortoise and the Hare, and yes, I was laughing at my own joke for an uncomfortable amount of time. 

And finally,

6. ” Would you still love me if I were Miranda Cosgrove?” I know this sounds like I am implying there is something unloveable about her, but after asking my ex-girlfriend if she would still love me if I were a worm, a slug, a raccoon or a porcupine, I kind of ran out of ideas and I was thinking about iCarly at the time, take with that what you will. 

I was stone cold sober when asking each of these questions, but in my defense, I am autistic and constantly sleep deprived. I think I am charming, and that’s what matters. 

All of this to say, the answer to the question, “will this ever change?”; No. I know who I am as a person.