As some of us finish off our last lab for Term 5 (I know half of y’all didn’t come — I’m judging you), I wanted to gift you all with the last installment of Things I Heard in Medical School! It was a fun run, this series. Here’s to hoping that clinical years has just as much nonsense as these 2.5 years of basic sciences did! So, until next time, did I catch you saying something ridiculous? Hope you enjoy!

“Well that was our weekly dose of cortisol and stress!”

Burger boy: “What are you ordering? | Me: “Seriously? I’m offended.”

Friend 1: “Term 4 is a hoe.” | Me: “Yeah. It screwed everyone.”

“I can’t see the cervix. It’s dark up in there!”

“Ugh, Him and his stupid nongestational blastoma.”

Friend 1: “Do they film these sessions?” | Me: “Don’t worry, I don’t have access to your videos. Your indiscretions are safe.” | Friend 2: “But I do. Blackmail!”

Me: “I don’t want to study.” | Friend:  “I’m not going to.” | Me: “Good talk.”

“He’s a quiet one. Most people from Maine are.”

Friend: “So now you’re a southern, Spanish-speaking, Punjabi American girl who ALSO speaks German?” | Me: “Why do you think they called me Hitlerina?”

Me: “I think you all would like this hotel when you guys come down here!” | Mom: “Well if you don’t pass Term 5 then we can come next semester.” | Me: “MOTHER.”

“This is the only time you are allowed to hit a baby!”

*Before Entering Exam* Student: “Can I bring it in a cup??”  | Me: “HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?!”

“I don’t even know what I just took.”

“After whatever that was, I am definitely taking a nap.”

Me: “Watch out, a car is coming!”| Friend: “I mean, does it really matter by this point?”

“No no, you can’t hit the baby like that. Hit it like THIS!”

“I don’t know if you have ever talked to a high person, but you tell them something and then they forget right away. It is SO annoying.”

“GABA inhibits descending noradrenergic inhibitory neurons that are inhibited by opioid receptors. So you are inhibiting an inhibition to enhance inhibition of pain.”

“After that midterm I will take anything and all things. ANYTHING AND ALL.”

Me: “So the school pays for UWorld, but not for our graduation?” | Friend: “No one is thinking about graduation right now because we are all dying and have lost our souls.” | Me: “Okay true.”

“I forgot that fries came from potatoes. What has med school done to me?”

Friend: “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help you!” | Me: “Oh don’t worry. I wouldn’t have helped you anyway.”

“I would say you are doing a good job, but you are standing on his crotch.”

“I never had fun smoking. You think you have fun, but you really don’t. All you are is a bloody addict.”

Mom: “Oh my god you are going to be 27 when you graduate… you are going to be so old.” | Me: “MOTHER YOU ARE NOT HELPING.”

Patient in Hospital (with a broken leg): “I needed a break from work.” | Me: “Well yeah. Both literally and figuratively. Because your leg is broken in all the wrong places dude.”

Friend: “What date is Halloween?” | Me: “The 31st…. Like it is every year…”

“Though shall not douche!!!”

“It’s dick cheese.”

Professor: “Term 4 got this question wrong when I asked them.” | Me: “They always get things wrong.”

Professor: “We just went over this. Looks like you all have short term memory!”

“Propranolol is used for performance anxiety. I actually had to take it for my driving test. I was so nervous, I had to take it 3 times.”

“When you all take alcohol, you all think it makes you more fun, more sexy, but that actually isn’t the case.”

“Dependence is not addiction. They don’t go into a dark alley way to look for that Xanax.”

“Shhh. You guys are like a group from hell… In a nice way!”

“So garlic. Garlic is good. Garlic bread is good.”

“Cliff?”