Facebook is flooded with wedding and engagement posts lately. It's not just my friends, either. It's The Huffington Post and Elite Daily telling us what is acceptable, what is normal, what is the right timeline, etc. etc. etc. I know I'm engaged and I will be married soon, but I still find myself reading these articles and sometimes (very rarely but still) I actually start to believe them! And then I remind myself that there is no way the Huffington Post or Elite Daily could possibly know the situation I'm in or the situation anyone is in, anyway? So, I decided I wanted to write my own "wedding/engagement" themed post. I took to twitter and suggested two different posts: 1. Things we should do before getting engaged
& 2. Should we be picky about our engagement rings? I let twitter vote and the winner was #1. I will most likely do an engagement ring one later on just because I have A LOT to say about that.
Also consider this a disclaimer: this post is directed towards couples/people that believe in marriage.
So if I haven' lost you already, let's get started!
& 2. Should we be picky about our engagement rings? I let twitter vote and the winner was #1. I will most likely do an engagement ring one later on just because I have A LOT to say about that.
Also consider this a disclaimer: this post is directed towards couples/people that believe in marriage.
So if I haven' lost you already, let's get started!
Let's focus on you first and then we'll move on to the "couple" to do list:
1. I want you to ask yourself one simple question: "Do I love myself?"
Don't laugh, I'm being serious. Write down at least 5 things you Love about yourself. If you can do this without struggling, I'm proud of you! For some of us, it takes a long time to be able to love ourselves. We deny what we're really worth and we take crap from crappy people and we find ourselves in crappy relationships. I truly believe if you can genuinely love yourself, you will get the love you deserve because you won't accept anything less than what you deserve. Not only will you start demanding (harsh word, maybe expecting is a better word) respect you will start treating your partner exactly the way you know you both deserve. This leads me into number 2....
2. Let go.
I'm talking about your past. It is so important to treat your relationship as it's own and not compare your partner or relationship to those of the past. It's so easy to take out things on your new partner. I understand it's not simple enough to just say you're over your trust issues, but that's is why you have a partner. Discuss your feelings with them. -- Side Note: Maybe don't be too crazy. My last relationship became unhealthy because of things like cheating and drugs, so on my first date with my now fiance I decided it would be a good idea to interrogate him. I asked him what drugs he had tried and if so how many times and if more than once how often... Thank God, he didn't run out right then and there. Maybe be a little bit more subtle. At least on the first date.
3. STOP THE COMPARISONS.
We are all GUILTY of this one and we have to stop. It's not healthy for us and it's not healthy for the relationship you are in. Stop comparing the proposals, the rings, the relationships, and the weddings. Especially with the timeline comparisons! As long as your partner and you are on the same page, who cares what everyone else is doing or what everyone else will think? I just want to say this over and over until it sinks in to everyone-- IT IS OKAY IF YOU'VE BEEN DATING FOR 5 YEARS AND YOU GUYS DON'T WANT TO GET ENGAGED UNTIL YOU'RE DONE WITH SCHOOL OR UNTIL YOU GUYS ARE ABLE TO OWN HOME OR WHATEVER YOU'RE WAITING FOR IT IS OKAY TO WAIT. AND HEY GUESS WHAT? IF YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO END UP TOGETHER AND YOU GET ENGAGED, YEAH THAT'S OKAY, TOO. Like I said before as long as you and your partner are on the same page, it is okay.
4. Ask yourself- "Do you want the engagement/wedding or the marriage?
Yes, I do have to list this. I don't know if it's my generation or what but the more I talk to girls around my age the more I get the vibe that engagement is more of a trend than a meaningful commitment to someone you plan on loving forever. Engagements have turned into a list of ring requirements (as in price &ct size) and extravagant proposals (which is perfectly fine IF it stemmed from your partner's heart). It's turned into a competition among facebook friends we haven't seen since high school. Make sure your heart is in it.When you look down at that ring it should give you this ease in the pit of your stomach that you will never be alone again and you have the absolute best partner for you.
1. I want you to ask yourself one simple question: "Do I love myself?"
Don't laugh, I'm being serious. Write down at least 5 things you Love about yourself. If you can do this without struggling, I'm proud of you! For some of us, it takes a long time to be able to love ourselves. We deny what we're really worth and we take crap from crappy people and we find ourselves in crappy relationships. I truly believe if you can genuinely love yourself, you will get the love you deserve because you won't accept anything less than what you deserve. Not only will you start demanding (harsh word, maybe expecting is a better word) respect you will start treating your partner exactly the way you know you both deserve. This leads me into number 2....
2. Let go.
I'm talking about your past. It is so important to treat your relationship as it's own and not compare your partner or relationship to those of the past. It's so easy to take out things on your new partner. I understand it's not simple enough to just say you're over your trust issues, but that's is why you have a partner. Discuss your feelings with them. -- Side Note: Maybe don't be too crazy. My last relationship became unhealthy because of things like cheating and drugs, so on my first date with my now fiance I decided it would be a good idea to interrogate him. I asked him what drugs he had tried and if so how many times and if more than once how often... Thank God, he didn't run out right then and there. Maybe be a little bit more subtle. At least on the first date.
3. STOP THE COMPARISONS.
We are all GUILTY of this one and we have to stop. It's not healthy for us and it's not healthy for the relationship you are in. Stop comparing the proposals, the rings, the relationships, and the weddings. Especially with the timeline comparisons! As long as your partner and you are on the same page, who cares what everyone else is doing or what everyone else will think? I just want to say this over and over until it sinks in to everyone-- IT IS OKAY IF YOU'VE BEEN DATING FOR 5 YEARS AND YOU GUYS DON'T WANT TO GET ENGAGED UNTIL YOU'RE DONE WITH SCHOOL OR UNTIL YOU GUYS ARE ABLE TO OWN HOME OR WHATEVER YOU'RE WAITING FOR IT IS OKAY TO WAIT. AND HEY GUESS WHAT? IF YOU'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO END UP TOGETHER AND YOU GET ENGAGED, YEAH THAT'S OKAY, TOO. Like I said before as long as you and your partner are on the same page, it is okay.
4. Ask yourself- "Do you want the engagement/wedding or the marriage?
Yes, I do have to list this. I don't know if it's my generation or what but the more I talk to girls around my age the more I get the vibe that engagement is more of a trend than a meaningful commitment to someone you plan on loving forever. Engagements have turned into a list of ring requirements (as in price &ct size) and extravagant proposals (which is perfectly fine IF it stemmed from your partner's heart). It's turned into a competition among facebook friends we haven't seen since high school. Make sure your heart is in it.When you look down at that ring it should give you this ease in the pit of your stomach that you will never be alone again and you have the absolute best partner for you.
Let's move on to my "couple" to do list...
1. Discussions:
This is a person you plan on spending the rest of your life with. It is SO important that you discuss all the important topics that you might face later down the road. An important one for me was drugs (obviously I bombarded the poor man on our first date). But we also discussed A LOT before we even started thinking about marriage. I needed to be on the same page or at least know what page my future husband was in when it came to a few things: Living together before marriage, adoption, marriage, children, and racism. And Thank the Lord, he was made for me because the only thing we disagreed on was living together before marriage. We always discussed our timeline and what we were both okay with when it came to marriage, living together, and babies.
Quick Rant: It absolutely blows my mind when I talk to girls who got pregnant unexpectedly and freak out about telling their boyfriend because they don't know if he'll suggest abortion or adoption or be happy. WHAT!! That is one conversation I believe everyone should have before even engaging in sex let along thinking about getting married. Just my 2 cents, though.
2. Meet the Parents:
This one might just be for couples that are really family oriented. I personally don't know what I would have done if my parents' wouldn't have liked Connor. It would've been a sign as him not being the right one for me. So it was very important for him to meet parents and my whole family, really. And thankfully both our families have been inviting and so loving.
3. Travel:
It doesn't have to be anything crazy that requires $1k+ but it does have to be for more than one day. It is such an amazing opportunity to learn more about your partner while embarking on an adventure together. Plus this is where you start to learn their quirks and their "true" selves. I learned Connor is an early riser and a planner which is perfect because I'm a sleep until I can and go with the flow type so we really do get the most out of our trips, but we still don't come back exhausted from our trips. We learned that we really do balance each other out. Besides who doesn't like get-a-ways?!
Traveling was really important to me because we don't live together. Traveling is our Oasis. Even if it's just a trip to Phoenix, we do it. It's OUR time. Plus once you get engaged all that extra money will be going to the wedding/house so take advantage!
I hope you found this list somewhat useful.
I did get stuck a few times, so I asked Connor what his "to do's" were and they were the following:
(bold lettering is him & italic is me!)
Anyway, that's the end of my list! I would love to hear what your list is/was and your opinions on mine! Just comment below!
Xo,
Valerie Ann
1. Discussions:
This is a person you plan on spending the rest of your life with. It is SO important that you discuss all the important topics that you might face later down the road. An important one for me was drugs (obviously I bombarded the poor man on our first date). But we also discussed A LOT before we even started thinking about marriage. I needed to be on the same page or at least know what page my future husband was in when it came to a few things: Living together before marriage, adoption, marriage, children, and racism. And Thank the Lord, he was made for me because the only thing we disagreed on was living together before marriage. We always discussed our timeline and what we were both okay with when it came to marriage, living together, and babies.
Quick Rant: It absolutely blows my mind when I talk to girls who got pregnant unexpectedly and freak out about telling their boyfriend because they don't know if he'll suggest abortion or adoption or be happy. WHAT!! That is one conversation I believe everyone should have before even engaging in sex let along thinking about getting married. Just my 2 cents, though.
2. Meet the Parents:
This one might just be for couples that are really family oriented. I personally don't know what I would have done if my parents' wouldn't have liked Connor. It would've been a sign as him not being the right one for me. So it was very important for him to meet parents and my whole family, really. And thankfully both our families have been inviting and so loving.
3. Travel:
It doesn't have to be anything crazy that requires $1k+ but it does have to be for more than one day. It is such an amazing opportunity to learn more about your partner while embarking on an adventure together. Plus this is where you start to learn their quirks and their "true" selves. I learned Connor is an early riser and a planner which is perfect because I'm a sleep until I can and go with the flow type so we really do get the most out of our trips, but we still don't come back exhausted from our trips. We learned that we really do balance each other out. Besides who doesn't like get-a-ways?!
Traveling was really important to me because we don't live together. Traveling is our Oasis. Even if it's just a trip to Phoenix, we do it. It's OUR time. Plus once you get engaged all that extra money will be going to the wedding/house so take advantage!
I hope you found this list somewhat useful.
I did get stuck a few times, so I asked Connor what his "to do's" were and they were the following:
(bold lettering is him & italic is me!)
- Needed to come up with a proposal plan: how did I not think of this one? i think this is so so important. not to make it crazy or extravagant. but for me it's the first step in showing how well you know your partner. i got a one on one private beach proposal. And that will forever stick with me that he knew I wouldn't be able to genuinely react with family or any people around (i'm an awkward duck okay). we were able to enjoy our engagement just the two of us for a week and then get to share everything with our family. that was perfect for me.
- Save for a ring: I'm not going to get to into this one because I'm going to do a whole other post on this.
- Work up the courage to ask your parents: oh yes! another good one, but this one isn't for everyone. i do know a lot of people find it outdated and sexist. but I knew it was important to my parents to have a talk with Connor and to know what was going on. I'm so happy that he chose to go this route.
- Get you to fall in love with me: he might be taking my question to literal...
Anyway, that's the end of my list! I would love to hear what your list is/was and your opinions on mine! Just comment below!
Xo,
Valerie Ann
