Survivors of the Z’s- Rhonda Gedling, 27/07/2016, Motel Liz, outside Colorado

I stood outside
The warm morning breeze gently brushed my cheek
She walked to my side and stood there
I turned and looked into her eyes.
Her tears
The emotion stabbed through me in bucket loads. It flooded every area within me. I was sharing something with her for the first time in years. Something that seemed impossible
A far- away- reach that was too far to grab hold of.
And then
There we were.
My mom and I
   “I’m doing this for her,” I told
   “Thank you,” she said, “What do you feel?”
   “It’ll never be undone, what you did, I’ll never get to a point where I can forgive you, because it’s too deep, but we’re in a time now, it seems, that we’re going to need each other”
   “I feel that too,” she told, “you’re my daughter and I am not going anywhere”
She went to hug me. I didn’t know what to do. To feel her touch
Motherly love
Was something that I had wanted for a long time.
BUT…
How can I describe it?
I didn’t want it from her. I didn’t want it to be her that was hugging me.
The feelings came from the dreams that I repetitively had not so long before that
Dreams I desperately wanted to be real
All in my head
All in my own little world
Not only did I dream about having a family with a great man who had the greatest smile ever. We had great kids and a great family dinner
ALWAYS
Never a dull moment.
I also had dreams of being a little girl again and that girl had a great family also.
A golden family
A family that had a Mom, Dad, sister and a brother.
A mom that wasn’t a drug addict who fed off sex
A dad who didn’t leave when she was two
A brother who didn’t die
And a sister who didn’t rise from the dead
It was all bright and happy
That’s the kind of family I wanted a hug from
HOWEVER…
The hug came anyway and the touch I felt was surprising
A huge shock
A shock to where I didn’t push her away. I let her hold me in her arms and the long search that I wanted for so long seemed to be arriving on my doorstep
But
It wasn’t that easy
A sudden flash of her chucking me out of the house and telling me to get lost through away the positivity that I was beginning to feel. My fists abruptly clenched.
I tried to hold it back, but it was too strong to cope with. It took over me once more and the hate for her boiled over.
   “Get off me!”
I pushed her away and walked away.
   “We can’t be this way forever!” She told
I left her behind and she didn’t follow.
I walked back into the motel and saw Gary watching the news. All didn’t look well.
More bad news
On top of more bad news
On top of more, yup, you guessed it… bad fucking news
With all of us being in the middle of nowhere, we were lucky enough to not have it in our faces, but something didn’t seem right with him.
A city popped up
CHICAGO
And his face deepened
The president then abruptly appeared on the screen.
His face…
Serious
   “To the people of Chicago Illinios and to the many more cities that have been affected by this deadly disease, I have something to say to you,” the president looked deep into the lense, like… like he was looking at us, “What ever this thing is, we’re going to survive it, what ever this thing is, as Americans we’re going to do what we have always done and will continue to achieve and that is… survive and fight. We will not give up fighting until every child has a world that is safe to walk around in again, until every child has an America where they can feel free again. As president I am asking you all to stay safe and get to your nearest safezones and stay put, don’t try and fight these things, let the brave men and women of the American forces do that for you, that is what they do, have always done and will continue to do, I will prey for you all in this dark period… God bless America”
   “More cities,” he said, “do you believe him?”
   I thought deep, “I don’t know, what ever this thing is, it’s destroying us”
   “Feels like it’s getting worse,” he said
   “Where was you driving to anyway?” I asked
   “I don’t know,” he said, “anywhere I guess”
Things went silent. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was gazing right through me.
Like…
I wasn’t even there. Like a wall had suddenly come between us and blocked our vision.
If not a wall
It was something terrible that was staring back at him
   “What’s wrong?” I asked
   “I could’nt help it,” he spoke, his voice stammering, “I had to get out of there”
   “Out of where?”
   “My home,” he answered, “I went and saw him there, I knew I should’ve listened to my gut, but being the stupid moron that I am I chose to stay”
   “Gary, what’re you talking about?”
   “I haven’t seen my wife since the outbreak,” he told, “I come from Chicago and I’ve been driving around for days searching for the answer to the whole thing, what have I done wrong? Was it me? Was it her? Then this thing started and I had to make a decision… should I go back or let the hate I feel destroy what I worked so hard for?”
   “Are you still trying to find an answer?”
He pondered and I waited for him to open up to me. I watched the emotions in his face change. Like he had found it
But then
He hadn’t
And then
   “I need to go back,” he said, he got up and began walking toward the exit, “it was nice meeting you Rhonda, take care of yourself”
   “Wait!” I shouted, I ran up to him, he turned and I hugged him tight, I felt his arms circle my back, “good luck with everything”
   “You too,” he said
He turned on his heal
Got in his car
And dissapeared into the distance
   “I’m going to have to go too” the woman said, her daughter holding on tight to her hand
   “Where’re you heading?”
   “South, my family are down there, I need to get there before anything happens,” she walked toward me and we both hugged, she hugged mom after, walked away, turned and smiled, “good luck with everything and stay safe”
   “You too… wait,” she turned, “What’s your name?”
   “Katie and this is my beautiful daughter, Dakota”
   “Good luck”
She nodded
Turned
And she was gone like Gary
Everybody was gone
Accept for me and mom
Stood in an empty motel
With nothing, but our minds wondering what was next for us
Should we stay?
Or
Should we go?
And if so…
WHERE?