​7.29 pm

Another day, another year well spent. Whatever the future lies ahead muffles around in my head, considering I’ve just recovered from the outspread of infamous disease. Catching a fever isn’t a bad idea since I felt a fiery cleansing motion churning inside me, begging for self-forgiveness as I push through the ordeal by staying truthful towards myself. Somehow I’m seemingly tired from the weather too. The never-ending rain this season definitely took winter blues to a new level. But my New Year’s Resolution is to complain less, for those who seek to unintentionally harm me has no place in my heart as I am started to bear no interest in dealing with their childish and unhealed trauma; e.g. my mother.

Well she’s been saying a lot of things lately though she claims that whatever she said are just words that meant nothing. So whatever conversations engaged or exchanged were merely hurtful cutting throat words that meant nothing, at least to her. So due to our strong differences and me being the black sheep of this family, I Grew weary of fighting a losing battle against her. And she really knew how to pick a bone with me, with whatever years left in her and that awful cruel mouth which I strived not to be. I mean, hate is a strong words, as I grew older I realized that it is not in her truthful intentions to hurt me, but people never truly realize their actions and fault isn’t it. 

So today she said something that irritated me whilst I was just commenting on the vast number of lottery papers she had collected in 2023 which she refuted by raising her voice, “at least the lottery papers repaid me, which you never did”. And I think that words created a ripple effect on me which led to a huge disappointment. I ended up hurling whatever insults I could think of at her, and I damn made sure she realized it was personal. 

But I ought to admit that our relationship is bizarre to say the least. At times when I am peaceful and relaxed I would look back at things she did for the family to harbor some sort of sympathy towards she derailed and narcissistic mindset. It always doesn’t last long before she hurled poorly constructed words at me as a weapon. Our conversations ceased faster than a travelling bullet before I retreated back into my room hurt and angrier than before. The most painful thing is witnessing how well she treated my brother, as if emotional incest plays a huge part in her unhinged development, my mother is preferably close with my brother so much so that I found myself jealous and hurt at her slightest actions. 

Hence, this year is no different like the others l supposed. For the mindset of a middle aged lady should never bother me to say the least or she does not even stand a chance in fighting a stupid battle against me. Say whatever you wanna say about me but I seen too much shit whilst living with a narcissistic mother that I’m simply just tired of fighting to change her mindset. 

I’ve set myself a simple task for this year’s resolution. I.e fuck her.

Fuck her and everybody who simply are not the best of interest. Fuck anybody’s ill intentions and fuck anyone like the dumb whore of my mother who purposefully say things that brings my vibrations down, I have no interests in giving my best to her and she can say whatever she will as I will not be mentally present to stop her. Mentally disengaged is the way to go for I have my own future and purpose to fulfil. 

There are a lot of things amongst that one particular resolution I’ve set for myself - such as having more friends to fill the lonely void, loving myself more to make sure my voices are heard, saving money while investing my time for new experiences, etc. This year feels different, a shift in perspective perhaps and I’m driven to me bones even though recovering from sickness takes precedence. 

All in all, I still can’t breathe haha. 

Till then, I know I’ve come a long way and imma do better than ever. 

Squeezed my way around United Square as there was no way to get to Esplanade due to road blockages. The crowd was as usual, loud and packed. But unlike other famous places like Marina Bay Sands or Esplanade, I was thankful that i didn’t get unnecessarily pushed around. I’m not entirely sure why i picked the hour to see fireworks since it’s unlikely me. Perhaps it’s time for a change or perhaps I’m pick up on my intuition again, met my friend in the crowds and I was greeted with excitement as we have not seen each other for half a year. 

2023 ended well, I think I spent the first half of 2023 sleeping with me eyes wide open whilst travelling with mighty curiosity. And I remember spending the last of my days at the rented place. Utilising every opportunity I could to stay home and watch the skies. Living in 14th floor was no joke, as my fear of heights grew stronger when I was confronted with the idea of jumping down the building at times. thankfully, thoughts like these don’t last as long as all of my relationships. It was peaceful however; I've never felt so calm and quiet in my life, although I knew I lacked support from my parents back then, the $800 was surprisingly well-spent despite losing some sleep.