Sometimes working in the Corporate made me realised how everyone hated each other, or rather, at the end of the day, how everyone was conspired into ganging up and spread hate/rumours/lies about one another. 

But it’s funny how we tend to forget what good times we shared before. It is as though we carry on with our lives, corporate after corporate, fuming about the same stuff and tittle-tattle about the you know what yada yada.

And the air of fun and laughter has been long gone. It’s too late now and people have formed their legions and alliances.

Some days just seems bleak, at least for me, when I decided to stand on my ground and gave the ultimatum to my colleague by posting about her on Instagram. And I never regretted that despite people coming forth and telling me not to. Well if there’s one thing I should learn it is that one month after that alleged “saga”, I’m still alienated from the group and all communications abruptly came to a halt. Funny how I subconsciously still feel that the one who did me dirty ought to apologise. For it really hinders my ability to grow and move forward with grace - learning to forgive. 

And the suckiest feeling is being grown enough to know that it is not them who triggers me, it is me who actually allowed it to happen. Their laughters, banters and walking around in the office constantly gives me the ick, that blood pressure raising whenever they walk past my desk - is actually me feeling extremely fomo for some reason.

Perhaps they were doing it on purpose. And perhaps I cared too much to let it happen despite reminding myself an umpteen times not to let mean bitches get to me, after all all they do is gather and bark, sometimes at the wrong tree. In the world of corporate games and politics, I play the role of a jaded one. Always been told not to get involved and I never did, stood by and listened to bitches gossiping about him, her, they wondering how the fuck did a corporate lady in her mid 40s get so vulgar and hateful about somebody who offended her in the workplace? It’s vile and distasteful, like Adolf gathering his troops by talking his way out of forming the nazis. 

Maybe I’m sold by her irrationality and ability to convince the crowd. By contradiction, maybe I just haven’t seen such woman exist in my life before. All I had gone through in life was soft Women; women who listens, beta girls, women who are non-conformist, women who never stand to protect other women. But a large fraction I see now is her standing at 150cm or less, attempting to persuade the crowd with her negativity towards certain people.

It is almost like an obsession that my perverted mind cannot fantom. I want to see her fall now that I’ve seen her rise, I want to see her humiliated by everyone and everything, I want her to apologise and regret the things she said; and mostly importantly, I want her down on all fours while I constantly slap her across the face. I’m a pervert, and I love how the more I try to control these thoughts from surfacing, it only became my worst enemy. 

Now see. I’ve been excluded from groups majority of my life, despite that countless self connotation pep-talk saying that I thrive in a group setting. Their actions would just make me more vulnerable/ upset. Understanding this perspective is one thing, but on the other hand it feels peaceful per se, if you understand that my motivations does not primarily happened from that birthday event. It is a collection of thoughts and things, series and happenings which finally led to the office “demise”. I’ve never felt so peaceful to be separated from them, but I’ve also never felt so isolated and lonely; unable to be 100% myself in the office.

Corporate world peeps are always hypocrites. Perhaps in my current environment, the first year was kinda great when it progressively gets bearable in the latter half where they announced a downsizing, I started drifting into my world more and paid lesser attention to the outside, but my inital Department allowed me to be myself, where I thoroughly enjoyed their company. Then I had a change in department where we were tasked to another department with the same group. 

Maybe I am still understanding a lot of things, maybe patience wasn’t my strong suit and being quick to anger leads to mistakes and misunderstandings, but never a serious one. By a quick self-reflected comparison from the past, i know I have definitely changed a lot. Perhaps my journey to manifesting genuine friendships finally came to fruition and by law of attraction, the old ought to go. 

I’m feeling stuck. Unable to move on from the presumable “hurt” I’ve felt from the colleague whom I started having beef with after my birthday. perhaps even struggling with really letting it go and forgiving everybody else since the process of anger lies a heavy burden in my heart I cannot carry all day. And I know that no matter what, my anger towards them subsides but they got hold of it. It’s a lonely cycle of detachment and attraction.