​12:51

Mainly owing myself an apology for many things for one, I neglected writing for the betterment of my future. Two, there are so many things to catch up on that I don’t even know where to begin! 

Well I became more loving of myself lately. Even though my counselling session with the therapist has come to an abrupt halt, I made the personal effort to improve and forgive myself. The thoughts still lingers especially when my mind is seemingly distracted from stress. Last few months my anxiety levels skyrocketed and I got caught up in a web of entangled OCD obtrusive thoughts that I couldn’t shake off. 

However, good news is that I got it under control as long as I sleep enough and isn’t triggered by my whole Family whom sad as it is, still very much toxic and unchanged. But I’ve come to agreed that they don’t have to change if they are unconsciously unaware neither do I need to dive down and accommodate to their bullshit.

After last year’s battle of sleepless nights and personal financial crisis, I decided to move back home. Only to find myself adapting to each and everyone’s strange quirks. My dad is still a prick but his behaviour towards me got better after he decided to direct his anger towards my mom and grandmother instead.

Grandma became older and mentally fragile. Being the sole witness of my dog’s death affected her a lot honestly, and I see her mood deteriorate day by day as she started meddle her business into ours, like drying our clothes when we specifically told her not to since it’s unsafe for an elderly to hang bamboo poles. Or closing all the windows in the house because she constantly thinks it’s going to rain. Or that recently she got reprimanded heavily by dad for going outside at what 10pm just to water plants and move mom’s bicycle. Countless incidents to recall. And many a times, even myself, we slipped up and blame Grandma for doing all these “unnecessary things”.

At times I wonder if it is even worth it to confront grandma about her behaviour. Silly me. She’s already 90 and going strong. Her days relies heavily on the “set of routines” she has created upon herself and if one of her chores wasn’t completed that day, she can’t sleep at all. 

Now I’m not a psychologist but I can sort of conceptualised what grandma is going through. After all this family of mine thrives on being somehow useful. I noticed that grandma did what she ‘had to’, and I can imagine how bored it must be to sit around all day without leaving the house. It’s been many months since she left the house and the saddest part is, my dad do not let her out for ‘fear’ of lot of things; covid, people, the sun, being a hassle etc.

What puzzled the family the most is why she gotta do so much ‘work’ when she can just rest. Little did they know she’s just trying to kill time from staying at home all day. This is what I see, for learning to be observant, for staying in the present moment. And I can safely say that I do not enjoy being in this present moment at all. 

I guess nothing has changed much since I moved back. Perhaps, struggling to raise and maintain my vibration when the lower entities are literally stuck in the house. Recently I an occult shop to buy sage for home cleansing, as I’ve been doing for the last week or so. I spoke to the store owner about how I feel different and unruly I felt from my family. Maybe because they do serve me at all, and i recall sage-ing my room, chanting and repeating affirmations to kick negativity out of my life. Haha. The irony. 

I am a year older soon. In a few days. While the slight panic and inner-monologue of a lot of things starts to catch up, I seem to have lost a part of my identity and idea of having fun. Things get more serious when I plan my financials and life ahead but losing a bit of zest in life made me anxious a little. Afraid of not being able to feel nostalgic anymore. Afraid of feeling numb. Afraid that I’m getting too serious. Afraid that I can’t find love as time goes by. Afraid that i’m losing sense and social skills. Afraid that I’m unable to learn new skills because I’m too tired after work. All in all, afraid of ageing. 

Now I have plans to age gracefully. I recall being at the start of my 20s and thinking “oh well, I still have many years to figure myself out”, I’ll just focus on getting high, drunk, manipulative and attention seeking instead. Mind you, 21 was the beginning of exploring my idea of “femininity”, certainly did not harvest the fact that my actions could destroy someone’s feelings. For I grew up with no learned notions of love, therefore I am competitive, controlling and I hide my true feelings behind a mask. These are definitely not an excuse to fabricate my past mistakes for I sincerely apologise to myself and others. The fun at someone’s expenses, is something not to be threaded lightly with.

Fast forward the years I’m soon to be 26. Single and still a little cold-hearted. My heart wants to heal so badly and I’m beginning to un-learn a lot of my habits; throwing them out of my life while embracing the light and whatever healing comes my way. See I can only blame my parents for my upbringing for so long, after all I am now an adult. I can no longer take it out of them like I used to. I can now choose to ignore my mother’s unkind words and shrewd comments because I finally understand her negative aspects, but I still do, from time to time, try to explain how words are important. Silly me, still attempting to “break” her habits to suit my narrative when I should be learning how to stay away from her as much as possible.

Well that’s me. Though I understand this is just a temporary set up and life isn’t always sunny in Philadelphia. I’m ascertain that things will get better for me, slowly but surely healing till the day I pull myself out of this hell hole again.