23/8/2023

I've been idle for too long, thoughts formed while swirling daily in the norm. Surviving each day slaving away the corporate world, staying "busy" at age 25 knowing that I'm close to the big 30 anymore. That although I might no longer write well, I will still Attempt to keep my blog active. It's conceivable that there was a purpose for me to stop writing; the individuals with whom I had previously shared this blog have since grown apart, and I've been lying awake at night thinking if a necessary part of life is learning to go on with grace and ease while gradually letting go of the past. 

Growth - is a lot of things I can't pinpoint where or how it started. But I feel that experiences and age compels. Witnessing Mom's health scare is an epiphany. Me additively taking up 2 bank loans to fund my travel activities is an ultimate sheepish move. Last but not least, going to bed each day feeling a hundred unaccomplished activities eating up my mental health as I have a dossier of projects and hobbies that I want to pursue, but couldn't because of work and school commitment. 

Fucking bollocks to Jennifer's myriad of excuses. If money was off limits, I wonder if I'd still thread life with a series of interludes and presupposing.

Thing is, I don't want to live with regret. And like the cocoon of a butterfly, eagerly waiting to break free one day. Too much what ifs in my narrative, and I struggle to find a concrete plan to break that barrier of mine. 

I don't know what exactly compels me to sign up for the bachelors program but I went for it. Last Saturday, i went for my first lesson, which, i gotta admit that sleepiness is part of the regime. Met a few classmates, and I left the room feeling assure of myself; that whatever "last minute" choices i made in the end will bound to be the right ones. 

Now that I have moved to central town for work, confidence exudes as I pledged to attempt to dress up for work every day, including choosing an outfit the day before to ensure the right fitting. There has been an office "bully" who shows up unannounced at my desk every day. Despite keeping my best efforts in maintaining composure and professional in the settings, my inner aggression grows daily as I twice many times had a hard time letting go. I wonder why haha. Seeing a therapist for it could not even wash away the fact that I do not know how to confront people, despite my apparent agitated facial expression. Some people. Soft. Correction. Many people like him lacks social cues to understand that words carry vibrations.

Nevertheless, my therapist and I are working on it. That is, inner Rage. Feeling unable to express my rage and constantly misinterpreted because I get embarrassed the moment my rage subsides. We're working on a lot of things, like massive layers of flaky paint aching to be peeled. 

The stillness around 10 p.m. in this neighborhood has a distinct impact. The serendipity, the calm. Zero notifications, I'm offline on social media where I realised the nonsense. The absence of traffic noise has left me with a tinge of nostalgia and a sliver of optimism for the future. I guess I continued thinking positively because I see the glass as half full. 

There you have it, growth. 

I envision thriving in my thirties. There are no feelings of little insecurity by that point because I am happily committed to my partner and have grown too jaded to play mind games. living contentedly and productively in our own denominations.  Anger and family difficulties improved significantly. 

I'm sure there's a humane part of you that wants to see it happen. 

Well, me too. 

Me too.