In this unprecedented times, you’ll start to think if asking for help is even worth the notion. Because who in the right mind would be so kind to lend you their stuff. After all, people only look out for themselves. Perhaps living alone has been a fruitful journey nonetheless, but I have second thought. The survival and panic mode is seemingly spiralling out of control. Week after week, a new ordeal surfaces. And I get overwhelmed.
But all these while I’ve been suppressing these unprecedented thoughts. I honestly don’t know how the whole body odour issue came about but this week I caught myself struggling to come to my senses, I.E I don’t Fucking smell at all. Whatever notion entails from the public is their fucking business. “They’re sniffing their nose, not because of me”. As much as I would like to act like a main character in the play, I do not smell.”
My obsessive compulsive thoughts have resurfaced again. I noticed it before schizophrenia seeps its way to my pores. It’s now or never. I have a dire urge to cure myself - DESPERATE. I need to stop these voices in my head.
8:51 pm:
Today I met mom and brother at a karaoke bar. Though I’m trying my utmost best to desensitise the knowing feeling of distance between us - slowly expanding, like a huge boulder collapsing into half whenever we meet, causing a bigger gap and harder to amend with just 2 strength. I can’t help but feel a little sad as I carry my weary little feet to the MRT after we part ways. I don’t know what I’m feeling nowadays even when I’m unconsciously raising my vibrations with Tibetan singing bowls and Healing music. Sometimes I wish mom would acknowledge my being. And I’d always think that moving out would eventually mend the petty tiff between us Hong family.
It is never the case.
I guess there’re lots of perspective I’ve ought to see, ought to sort, and ought to uncover. Who knows eh, I’m still healing my inner child whilst mom is focusing on healing her current self. Both couldn’t agree to disagree and meet in the middle. Sometimes I just wanna fucking scream at my Mother for being the worst fucking mother to me. My jaded frustration stems from her never-ending desire of wanting the best for herself. Of course, at 25, who am I to judge especially when you are your worst enemy, and looking at mother made everything worst.
I knew my father gave up on me quite a while ago. His silence and our nothing to talk about facade spoke heavy volumes. They want me to move back. And for what? My years and years of healing would be jeopardised by their insensitive comments.
I’m a narcissist. I am my mother’s distant enemy, she a narcissist. Every meet up is proving to be a difficulty. I desperately need a healing. Is that why I’d always seek love from the outside world? ITS FUCKING NOT FAIR! I AM DESERVING TO BE LOVED JUST LIKE ANY OTHER KID OUT THERE.
At 25. I’m stressed, jaded and extremely lonely. What the fuck is going on with me. I’m fucking Moses, I’m living in a situation whereby there’s a
