19/3/22

It's been an unforgivable year. So far. 3 months into living high on blood pressure and increased cortisol levels from straining bloodline. I can't recall how Anger mindlessly dominates my entire being. 24 years later I still do not understand my functional headspace. It's seemed to have gone a little haywire from all the unnecessary anger - yet it is so important to note why. My therapist explained a lot of things, asked tons of questions with regards to how I am feeling. Do you ever feel subtly annoyed at these questions as if it is hard to come up with a definite answer, so I always had to dismiss her question, or even worst, produce something half-heartedly? Honestly, I am semi afraid of her, just like how I understood why my grandmother has been pissing me off the entire semester. Perhaps the ordeal at home turned into unsalvageable, a full-blown obsession, hatred, and murderous crescendo. 

See how those movies work. They draw your attention to the creepy aesthetics of a House and then unveil the works. Murder, suicidal, drugs, abusive, tensions, trauma all seeps into the walls and every corner of the room. Years later, walls peeled while mold stains the ceiling. You smell something faint but didn't do anything except to febreze the shit out of it. You think the house lacks life, so you put on wallpapers and Chinese New Year lanterns acquired from the dollar store. Yet deep down, you still suck as a parent. 

Maybe we still live in an era whereby sage was unknown, and that perfumes are unable to penetrate deep into the layers of trauma. 

There's a beautiful world out there, yet I am blinded by rage and constant gut rush. I wonder when is this torment gonna end?