15.11.2019

Pre-flight:
Well ransacking every travel essentials I could think of at that point in time.  And nobody at home greeted me with a birthday wish. Not that it matters, but birthdays are pointless, it is just another way of saying oh congrats, you survived this year.

Time management: always a war that I've been losing. But I somehow arrived at the airport earlier than expected. Walking around aimlessly and worrying about not having enough overseas cash on hand.

I happened to chance upon this book at the airport. Finally a book published about hope. SGD$31, ah fuck it. Imma buy it and Imma read it.

I see rivers, canal. Imagine myself floating around in the peaceful rivers, just plain floating. And not thinking of pain.

On second thought, it symbolises the movie: Truman show, where the character was kayaking and ran into a wall, a canvas in the horizon. Makes me wonder if we even coexist, or we're living in a simulation, where words became weapons and the fight for serendipity became the new Olympics in near the future.

Ahh the plane turning momemtum. Reminds me one of Pink Floyd's album. Where they dive through the clouds, ferociously piercing into layers and layers of thick bleached cotton candy. Notice the word pun haha. 

After what seemed like an eternity. 3 hours flight  to be exact due to turbulence and countless plane turning/jerking moments.

My distracted mind had once again concurred the dark side. Makes sense, it's 6.40pm. I've wasted a day, this special day of mine to keep. I am supposed to be happy, I am not supposed to dwell on it.

Its dark. I'm jaded, my brain is haywire. I'll leave my body to do the rest of its work. 

Late dinner on Friday was a pathetic bowl of cold quoina salad from Singapore Starbucks. Who knew dining alone under the stars could be such a romantic analeptic. A minute amount of fireflies was spotted beaming about at the rice field. A creature of light hmm.

17.11.19

God knows you're not supposed to cry when it's raining - I.E you get sick faster. However, the more it rained the more tears began flowing like an endless stream of river. Idk, sitting by the dining area skimming through this beautiful silhouette of coconut trees and listening to piercing sharp sounds of crickets, and occasionally, frogs, echoing at a distance not too far from where I'm sitted at. And then wind blew, stronger and stronger - forseeing a possibly upcoming thunderstorm. There were no stars tonight, I missed the full moon from my misspent Saturday. Crying repeatedly over things that could prevented, if not for my negligence. And Sleep, an entire saturday spent napping. Itinerary of the day (in no particular order) goes like :

Wake up, cry, sleep.
Wake up, boil some hot water, smoke some stale cigarettes, cry, pee, sleep.
Wake up, searching for food, boil water again, drink tea, smoke, cry, sleep.
Wake up, take photos of gorgeous rice field, smoke, drink tea, pee more, sleep.
Wake up, decipher if food is more important or sleep. Decided to munch on whatever food I've pre-packed back home. Smoke and sleep.

And then Sunday arrived. A brand new day, where I unexpectedly woke up at 2 in the morning. Initially, sleep was my biggest priority of all but I couldn't. Haha funny how the tides have turned when you're too rested for the weekend. So much so that I reckon I wouldn't have to sleep again for the next few weeks or so.

Guesthouse hosts are middle aged couple. Very welcoming and auntie gave off a homely motherly vibe. I could recall her sitting beside me,  munching softly at her unriped green mango while attempting to lead the conversation with regards to life in the countryside vs city. And of course, like all mothers in the world who pay attention to the smallest details - asked about my arm. I didn't say anything, nor I felt any means to explain the complexity of my issue. I just... cried again. For the first time in front of someone, or at least without any reason. Of course, guesthouse hosts were supposed to ensure that all guest's needs are met by 3-star standards. So she kept worrying/fussing about my garden view room, asking if there's anything she could do to make my stay more pleasant. Then my isolation withdrawal process kicked in and I told her I just want to be left alone, reading my book, listening to Pink Floyd wholesome tracks, eating her delicious banana pancake made from scratch.

But here's the fun part. She came back an hour later to check on me, or perhaps she just wanted to clear my breakfast plate. Auntie proceeded to ask about my plans for today where I simply said that I have none and might do some last minute souvenir shopping for my friends. She responded shortly and advertised about her service - where she could drive me around the rice terrace and perhaps see some temples along the way, all these at a "lower" price. I think I began showing signs of disinterest? My facial expression was pretty much tuned into what we called the "resting bitch face" syndrome. Money again, its always about money.

Update: I regretted this thought of mine and understand that they too need an income for their rice bowl.

She left me alone.

Came back awhile later and said with a sincered tone: " would you want to move next door?" Now I knew what's offered in the next room. Based on the website, it comes with a private pool and whatever necessities a cheapo like me could think of.

"For how much?"
"no ya ya I give you free tonight, since you leaving on Monday".
Now that's a freaking upgrade. And early check-in too!

Proves that miracles do happen. God is once again on my side, pushing me to accept with welcoming/thankful puppy eyes. I'm truly grateful, an opportunity like this is hard to pass since it comes once in a lifetime I think. Haha

So I checked in with a much cheerful spirit after I managed to complete a full main breakfast course.

I dragged my once again lethargic and weary little feet to a slightly crowded touristy area to do some last minute shopping. Because planning list of names of all my friend's souvenirs before this trip proves to be extremely difficult to avoid. As I do not aspire/inspire to disappoint others with my sorrow.

Happy. Very very happy to have achieved quite a bit of things today. This includes my organic groceries shopping, where I bought loads of tea, Indonesian coffee and soyjoy granola bars. Too much walking I reckon, my legs were pretty much jaded at some point in time and I called it a day by 8pm+.

Listening to gladiator's theme: now we are free. On repeat.

I've said whatever I need to say to her. I'm assertive that I will forget this pain. I know I have to let go, despite being just a short weekend getaway. Be it a day, a month or years to come. She had been a great friend, a great partner, a gift from God which sadly had returned to his possession land, and the greatest life lesson I've ever learnt.

Sitting by the poolside now reminiscencing about our past for one last time. Gave out a few tear droplets for one last time. And I began reflecting on myself. A critical person you call it, or an easily worn-out perfectionist striving to live unperfectly and originally in a stipulated designated world where everyone is born to play a part.

That's when I realise I've been pushing everyone away for too long. The birthday video that I've received on Saturday night, gave it all away.

If this all about a Scorpio's transformation as stated in the description of whatever horoscope website I've subscribed. Then I think I have a lot more to learn: that is the process of believing. And trusting that whatever bad happens again, the universe will always have my back. And of course, my friends too.

I'm flying back to the city tomorrow. Where busy streets are filled with vexatious homosapiens vie-ing in discontentment.

Sigh, it's a long journey. I've come too far, and I can't back down now. I'm given chances over and over again despite making a long death wish. A full battle ahead rages on!

This chapter is closed. A new chapter will be arriving shortly, thank you for your stay. Hope you have enjoyed this bumpy roller coaster ride of mine.

:)))