I have written before, about how I don't really classify time in years or months. I tend to loose track of time periods because, depending on how my life is going, it can move at all different paces. Instead, I prefer to refer to moments in time as 'the time I had a really badly cut fringe' or 'the time I wore a baggy jumper and leggings everyday'. But, I realised that I have been through quite a few phases since I published my last blog post.
I have spent the last few weeks trying to force myself into doing something Creative, but procrastination has always got the better of me. I started to realise that I haven’t created something that I am proud of, in a really long time and it started to get me down.
My mind has tried to justify me not creating something I have found rewarding in a variety of ways. The most prominent being by telling itself “Your blog doesn’t look very good, wait until it looks better before you publish anything”, or “You’ve had a stressful year, it’s no wonder you are having a creative block”.
I spent my entire time thinking “But what if no one (apart from my Mum) cares about what I have to say”, instead of just doing something that may have been successful. Or, it may have really sucked, but at least my Mum would have enjoyed reading it. I was spending my time making up excuse, after excuse, about why not to do something, instead of actually doing it. It was like I had a bin in my brain, in which all my ideas for a blog post would go and be forgotten about, just in case they didn’t work out.
Because I stopped making things and writing about things that I cared about, I started questioning my ability to do these things. Every time I had an idea that I thought might be worthy of a post, I closed it down. I began procrastinating and slowing got myself into a lull of not wanting to Write anything, just in case it wasn’t good enough.
There is definitely no quick fix, to get out of a creative rut. Whilst procrastination is seemingly enjoyable at the time, it becomes really hard to see past the next few hours. Especially when you spend 120 minutes straight, lying in bed watching Buzzfeed videos and playing Sudoku. However, procrastinating when you have, or want to do things, is the worst. BuzzFeed and Sudoku may seem fun at the time, but they always have a cloud of guilt lurching above them until the thing you need/want to get done is eventually finished.
The worst thing about the whole process, was that I was letting other areas of my life also get sucked into the rut. I would procrastinate instead of enjoying time with my friends. I would get really caught up in the negative feelings I have had towards myself and my work, making it really hard to take care of myself. My college work has suffered because I slowly became more and more unsure of myself. None of that was making me particularly happy and I knew that something needed to change.
I am glad that I have had the change of heart and I am starting to realise that I need to put more time into personal projects. I thought I’d share this experience because I have felt really alone, but surely I’m not the only person suffering in a creative rut? Whilst I am trying to get out of this routine of distraction, I am going to set myself a month long deadline to write and publish my next blog post. Hopefully (if I get around to it), it will talk about ways to combat and overcome procrastination.
