Valentines Day is a 50/50 split when it comes to love, romance and the acts of.  We all know what the 50% of lovers will be doing:  Fine dining at the local McDonalds; wolfing down boxes of $1 store chocolates; and admiring the beauty of last year’s plastic single CVS rose.

But what will the other 50% of Valentine rejects be doing?  They’ll most likely be searching for last minute hookups, bootycalls, dates; buying the biggest bag of popcorn they can find to go along with all of the break-up, thriller and horror movies they can get their lonely little hands on; and trying to avoid phone calls from all of their happily UNsingle friends who are dying to boast about the romantic evening they have planned with their significant others.

Why the hell didn’t anyone ever create a ‘Scrooge’ character for Valentines Day?  I guess that’s just another one of life’s mysteries that makes one go, “Hmm.”

Alas, to everyone who is lonely this year, don’t worry about it.  In fact, consider yourselves lucky.  All of those rent-a-romances who are going out of their way to make this one day magical will tirelessly spend the next 320 days trying to compete with the sparks of tonight, not realizing that those failed attempts will be even more of a let down after the single rose has dissipated, the chocolates have gone to their waistlines and their significant others have started to hit the gym for the seasonal breakups, separations and wandering eyes that the summer months bring.

How’s that for a Happy Valentines Day? …Suckers!