The sun was shining comfortably on Lippajärvi in Espoo Finland at 30.6.2007, it was a warm Saturday morning. I woke up from the fourth floor of my apartment building at 12:00. Sun was shining through some small cracks on the window shades, it shined directly onto my face. I finally opened my eyes and Stared the ceiling. I felt the heat already, it was going to be a hot day. The temperature was already around 25 degrees Celsius. 2007 was a scorching summer.

“Damn it’s hot” I mumbled.

I thought about opening the window and I could take a shower too.

“A cold shower would be nice!”

I threw aside the sheet that had served as my blanket for several nights. I pushed myself up and sat on the bed. Immediately I felt, how my back was in pain yet again.

“I must have slept badly again” I sighed deeply, pain was common for me.

I somehow felt very old, and that feeling was not nice.

“I am only 29 years old and I should live my best life right now, right?” I asked from the empty room.

I moved my feet to the cooler floor and adjusted my position slightly. I Looked down and stared at my stomach. I was no small man. Instead of a stomach, I had a huge barrel that had been formed over the past 10 years. I stared at this huge fat ball. I was 172 centimeters tall but I weighed a shocking 148 kilograms. I was obese; I had no muscles at all and my legs were skinny.

Just seeing my toes was a fight sometimes. The biggest struggle was getting my socks and shoes on. With this big barrel, my weight was in the front of the body, and it really put a lot of stress on my spine. My back was always in pain. In fact, it was painful to the point of exhaustion.

I let out a deep sigh of sadness and continued to stare at my stomach. I remembered how I had not trained at all for years. For me, all the movement was mainly between the fridge and the couch. The previous experiences of proper training were from my student days and from the army, all more than 10 years ago. Back then I played a lot of soccer and I also practiced martial arts with a passion. All these were long gone, when I got older and somehow, I got tired of training. I did not care about myself. The same attitude also applied to everything what I put in my mouth. I drank alcohol and consumed it in copious amounts over the weekends. I was in a hangover almost every weekend. On the weekdays, the cap stayed closed, thank God for that.

Sweets and junk food were on the other hand, a problem for me. I never got tired of them. My breakfast was often a Snickers Ice Cream bar, a whole bar of milk chocolate and a large glass of Coca-Cola. That was my typical breakfast. I had to start my day with the ice cream, chocolate, and coke. These somehow started me up and I felt bad if I didn’t get my morning sugar. I thought these tasted the best.

Cold ice cream was heavenly for me, it was the first thing in the morning. The eating order was also same. First, I ate a slightly melted ice cream, then the entire Fazer’s chocolate bar and for the last, I drank the ice-cold Coca-Cola. This is how my days started for many years. It probably sounds horrible, but it was real life for me.

A couple of hours after that, and if I happened to be working in the office, I ate a big pot of boiled rice and a 400g of minced meat. I easily ate this amount in one sitting and was often still hungry after that. For dessert, I devour more ice cream and chocolate. As a snack, I often munched on cookies.

When I was at home, I often ordered a pizza or went to local Hesburger, which was same as McDonalds. I always ate the largest meals what those joints could offer. I loved everything fatty and sugary, but unfortunately this also showed in my body and in my well-being. I lived on nothing but junk food. I did not eat anything healthy, not even by accident. I hated anything green and healthy, I thought they were rabbit food and didn’t taste good.

My job also supported this lifestyle. I sold giveaways and office supplies for companies all over Finland. Sometimes I had to travel for several days straight on the road. For my work, I also toured Europe at various fairs and events. Everyone who does travel work, knows how difficult it is to follow a certain diet and how easy it is to get fast food on the road. Usually, people fall for the easiest and fastest option, often this option is just full of empty calories and no nutrients. All you can eat buffets, service stations’ grilled fries, buns, rolls, meat pies and the like became a very familiar during my trips. I had my regular places where I knew, I could get an excellent fast food. When I stopped at lunch restaurants, I ate super large portions. I felt always hungry and devoured as much as I dared from the dessert table also.

To top it all off, there was always chocolate, cookies and chips in my car to make me feel good while on the road. I rewarded myself with chocolate after every successful deals and washed it down with a cold coke. I had a cooler in the trunk, where I kept colas. Sometimes I ate chocolate for boredom when I was driving. Four to eight hours behind the wheel somewhere on Finland’s eastern border, was a really boring sometimes. I fought the boredom by munching chocolate, candy and chips.

In the summer trips, I could even carry a disposable grill with me. In my opinion, nothing was more awesome than stopping by the lake in the summer, heating up the grill and frying a couple of sausages.

My car was my second home. I spent on the road as much time as at home. Hotels, airports, and train stations became familiar, I had been living out of a suitcase for almost 10 years, traveling around Finland and selling supplies. My work itself was meaningful from time to time, I got some satisfaction from it, but mostly I did it for the money. I knew how to sell stuff and my employer rewarded me for it. However, for the past couple of years, I had become a bit fed up with my work and I secretly wanted for a change. There were no opportunities for advancement. I could always go to work for a competitor, but that would not change the job at all. It would be the same driving and same selling process in the end. I was not attracted to any managerial positions or sitting in the office.

At home, my time was mainly spent playing video games, surfing the Internet, and watching movies. I couldn’t even imagine training or doing anything else. It didn’t even cross my mind in 2007. I was awkward with my huge stomach and I didn’t want to exercise. The stomach effectively prevented me from enjoying any movement. Instead, I just liked to hang out at home and eat tons of crap day after day. This went on for so many years of my life, that it made me sad to think about it now. Why on earth did I waste so many years of my life on such stupidity. If I had a time machine, I would have gone and slapped my own face.

My reflection in the mirror was scary, I never dared to move without a shirt in the presence of other people. I was so ashamed of my body and my self-esteem was zero. I didn’t dare to make any contact with the women. I thought nobody would be interested when I was a huge obese man. It was better to be alone than constantly receive rejections. I had dated and lived in a long-term relationship for years before I gained weight, so I did have experience with the opposite sex. Wistfully, I remembered the times when I had girlfriend. However, it had been many years now alone, I couldn’t even really remember how a woman’s touch felt like. I hadn’t had sex in many, many years.

I sighed deeply again. I moved my gaze from my stomach to my thighs and arms. I stared at my body in a disbelief. All I could see, was enormous amount of jiggly fat. I turned my hands over and noticed how bad my skin was from all the junk I had put in my mouth. I remembered the old proverb “You are what you eat!”.

“I eat crap, so my body is crap too.” I explained to myself.

I looked up at the wall and stared at an old Star Wars movie poster. It was a poster for episode six and Jabba the Hut had also made it onto the poster. Jabba looked just like me. I started to feel angry.

“Why I live like this?” I asked myself out loud.

“Why can’t I be like everyone else and walk around with my head held high?” I continued to talk.

I felt irritated. The room was dead silent. Jabba didn’t answer me, it just stared back with a stupid grin on its face. It made me want to throw something at the poster and hit Jabba between the eyes. My irritation started to rise; I was angry.

“Instead of always being that fucking fat, who doesn’t interest anyone and is always laughed at. So what the hell?”.

I took a short break and breathed.

“Why am I sitting here and complaining about my condition? Why don’t I stop this here and now? Why don’t I change this shit completely?” I continued my monologue for the quiet room, but no one answered me back.

I listened with my ears strained and only heard the faint noise from the traffic.  I decided to get up and headed to the bathroom. I had to take a piss and brush my teeth. I was still angry, but I had a weird feeling.

I walked into the bathroom and flicked the light switch on. I felt irritated. I looked directly at the mirror which was right above the sink. I saw my reflection. I stared straight into the eyes of that man, who looked like a Moomin’s Groke. I saw a puffy face and tired eyes. I leaned on the sink with my hands and moved my face closer to the mirror. I looked even more closely straight into the eyes, straight into the soul of the young man. I stared and was completely silent. I breathed through my nose and stared. I looked sharply and accusingly. Minutes passed, the apartment was completely silent. I didn’t say anything, I just heard my breathing. Five minutes passed in complete silence and continued staring. The Groke looked back at me sadly, but I felt something was giving up in my mind, something was happening right now.

Somehow, I felt different from all other mornings. I could sworn that I saw something different in the Groke’s eyes at this very moment, something I had never seen before. I saw desperation, rage and determination, all at the same time.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?” I yelled angrily.

I heard how my voice echoed in the stairwell.

“NO! This can’t go on like this! You ‘re only 30 years old and you live like one foot in the grave!”

I continued my rage and yelling. I saw in the mirror how the red color started to rise on my face and my breathing quickened. I gripped the sink angrily with my hands and continued to stare. My instincts told me to continue the staring contest. This was a duel for my life and destiny. I wasn’t going to give up.

“You still have a chance to change direction, you ‘re only 30 DAMN years old! Now for the fuck sake, do something with your life! This is not a fucking life!” I said to my reflection.

I blinked and felt a tear roll down my cheek. This fight went straight to my soul and my deepest emotions were unleashed for the first time in a decade. The Groke gave up for the first time and I started to cry with joy. I felt a switch between my ears moved to another position, some limitation went off. That limitation had been holding me back for the last 10 years. I literally felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders. I felt something ignited inside me and growing rage made me act right now.

“NOW LET’S GO YOU FAT FUCK!” I screamed at the bathroom mirror in rage and cried.

My destiny changed in that second. The rolling stone moved for the first time in adulthood.

“This shit ends right here on this second!” I said to my reflection.

I was still leaning on the sink and decided to take this duel to the end. I looked in the mirror and the rage only continued to grow. My mind was feeding the rage violently.

“I will change my life here and NOW! No more of this shit, I can’t take this kind of life anymore. I want a change everything and that change starts now!”

The Groke had been defeated.

I turned around and came out of the bathroom. I went straight to the window. I opened it completely and let the fresh air in. I was in full of strange emotions. I pulled my lungs full of air as I could, and calmly blew it out through my nose. I looked in the direction of lake Lippajärvi and a big smile appeared on my face. I knew at that moment things would only get better.

I gazed at the lake and breathed fresh air for several minutes. On the other hand, I was a little scared of the upcoming challenges, but the fire inside me ignited on June 30, 2007 at 12:15. This fire would later gave birth to a personal trainer, this fire would found a gym and this fire would bring a livelihood in few years’ time. I woke up to the situation, my pain had increased beyond the breaking point. I was ready to change and decided to succeed. I vowed that day to start exercising and eating healthier. I wanted to lose weight and start living. The obese man was awakened.

The story will continue 15.9.2023.

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