Today after I dropped my Daughter at school, when I came back and started clearing up the storm of a ‘morning mess’ behind me; I found her old favorite doll behind the sofa. Amongst the many things that gave me joy when I had a daughter, hands down, the biggest one was to buy Dolls and Barbies for her. 

While growing up, I would play with my dolls for hours and I was thrilled to pass on my love for dolls and even some of my old favorite dolls to my daughter. My daughter enjoyed playing with my old dolls and we obviously bought a couple ‘hundred!’ more maybe along with their houses, clothes, doll make up and things I had not even imagined would ever exist. I loved playing ‘pretend’ with her, getting an insight into her beautiful, creative mind on scenarios between dolls that were honestly very, very original! Until recently, when she just decided, she was too big to be playing with Barbies and her dolls and I was free to give them to our maid’s daughter or whoever else I want.

I wasn’t prepared for this change and it took me aback. Truthfully, I don’t think I have ever outgrown playing with dolls and board games and I was exuberant to be having a partner to play with after so many years. But now, at 8, she’s already decided she’s too grown up for dolls and I am not even sure why it is affecting me so much.

Our home is filled with her toys and I know each of her  toys names, nicknames, her favorites, her least favorites. Her Soft Toys collection has always been an ‘envy’ amongst her friends and now after eight years of collecting them, playing with them, even falling asleep with them- the idea of saying goodbye to the era of soft toys and dolls is heartbreaking for me.

I didn’t even realize how sad I was to not see a house full of soft toys and dolls everywhere, until I sat with one of her dolls after she went to school, combing her hair. It was the end of an era, at least, for me, where I know I would never be playing with dolls again. The innocent and beautiful hours of pretend play were over and whether I like it or not, my girl was growing up.

A famous Marathi song ‘Ekti Ekti’ from the movie ‘Chintoo’ suddenly resonates so much with my emotions. The video and song talks about how the boy ‘Chintoo’ is growing up, getting braver, sleeping on his own, wanting to take care of his mother while the mother talks about how he will grow up but unfortunately, we, as mothers and fathers are already grown up and will always be dependent on our littles ones forever. We cannot undo the dependency we have on our children and long after, they are independent; we will continue to hope we still play at least a superficial role in their grown up lives. Our emotional and mental quotient will now forever be tuned to our children.

And while I would be more than happy to keep her sheltered and safe in the cocoon of my arms forever, happily listening to her stories and made up songs; my girl was showing signs of what will soon be a teenager and then an adult and I would have to let go.

I would have to let go:

• Of her dolls.
• Of her soft toys.
• Of gasping (in shock) after finding her clothes in the pre teen section.
• Of reacting everytime she asks me to buy YA books and listens to podcasts when she would earlier doodle and sing nursery rhymes.
• Of wanting to play with her when she would rather talk to her friends and read her books.
• Of being amazed at how fast she’s picking up new languages, doing new things everyday.

And like every parent and human, I have to embrace the changes that are a necessity in life. There are some changes I am bound to like or dislike more than the other and that is okay. I cannot stop these changes nor can I expect her to remain ‘my baby’ forever. 

Now, as I am washing and cleaning up her toys to give-away, I know I will keep some of her earlier favorite dolls as my keepsakes. Years from now, maybe I will play with them again, pass them on to my daughter’s daughter and relive vicariously through her then.