4 key challenges every relationships go through

Jay is discussing the idea that relationships and understanding what goes into healthy relationships requires effort and education. He is debunking the idea of "love at first sight" and is emphasizing that relationships have different challenges that have to be faced. He is encouraging listeners to learn and understand these challenges in order to create strong connections and relationships with people. He is also discussing how many people are successful in other areas of their life, but struggle with finding a Partner. Lastly, he is introducing the topics of the episode, which will help people in all stages of relationships, from single to broken up, understand how to have healthy relationships.

Struggle #1: Technoference

Jay is talking about how technology can disrupt relationships, even when two people are in the same physical space. He mentions how it can feel worse to be in the same room with someone, but not feel seen, than not seeing them at all. He brings up a term called "techno" which is when computers, phones, tablets, or TVs interrupt couples in everyday interactions. He cites studies which indicate that this is a common experience, occurring in around 70% of relationships, and even more than that, 38% of partners said they sent texts or emails during conversations with their partners. He emphasizes that this is a challenge that many relationships face and that it can be difficult to communicate when someone is distracted by their phone or laptop.

When you want your partner’s undivided attention, you communicate that

Jay is emphasizing the importance of communicating with your partner when you need their full attention. He suggests setting a rule that when you need your partner's undivided attention, to communicate this and ask them when they can provide that. He notes that if you demand their attention without allowing them to prepare, they may feel pressured and unable to provide their full focus. This can create a stressful situation and result in feelings of disappointment. He emphasizes that it is important to give your partner the time to prepare for the conversation and to ensure that they are in the right frame of mind to give you their full attention.

Put your devices away and make a commitment

Jay is saying that when couples have a meal together, they should put away their devices and be present with each other. He suggests setting expectations for when and what to talk about so that neither partner is put in an unexpected situation. He recommends that the question of when to have dinner should be asked in a collaborative and inspiring way, rather than sarcastically or condescendingly. He encourages couples to be fully present with each other so that they can enjoy their time together.

Mirroring

Presence creates intimacy which in turn creates a connection that leads to longevity. To truly feel present and connected, mirroring is an effective technique. Mirroring involves repeating the last one to three words of the person you are listening to. This encourages the other person to keep talking and allows you to really understand and feel heard. Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator, popularised this technique, as it helped him to have difficult conversations and get people to talk.

Struggle #2: Bringing work-stress at home

Repeating the words your partner has said is a great way to demonstrate presence and show that you are listening. A survey from the American Psychological Association found that 65% of people named their job as the top source of stress. This can lead to people feeling like failures both at work and at home, making it harder to relax and decompress. To create a home sanctuary, it is important to establish physical cues like calming music and scents to set the tone. Leaders should also create safe spaces at work to help people feel connected and less burdened. Lastly, individuals and couples should find ways to regenerate, both together and separately, to help restore and refuel.

Struggle #3: Finances

Finances or money can be a source of stress in relationships. Studies from the Gottman Institute and Pew Research show that millennials are less financially ready for marriage and more likely to stay unmarried than the silent generation. Additionally, research from the Pure Research Center shows that couples who spend more than $20,000 on their wedding are more likely to divorce than those who spend between $5,000 and $10,000. Couples should focus on investing in their relationship rather than on their wedding day, such as spending quality time together, talking about their relationship and goals, and communicating their needs and concerns. A wedding is a celebration but won't guarantee that the couple will stay together.

Struggle #4: Chores

The Gottman Institute states that one of the most common issues in relationships is the division of chores. This can often lead to one person feeling like their partner is lazy, or not helping enough. To avoid these issues, it is important to divide and conquer, have a schedule for chores, and reset these expectations regularly as life changes. It is also important to remember that our expectations of our partner often stem from our upbringing, and that this may not be the same for our partner. Ultimately, it is important to avoid small points of disconnection that can lead to the end of relationships.