These pastries are going down in a glaze of glory.
National Donut Day arrives June 2, 2023 hot, fresh and with a hole in the middle to cure the empty feeling that lives in all of us.
Donut Day was conceived as a sacred day of observance by the Salvation Army, in 1938 the Chicago chapter baked up the occasion as a way to honor members who served doughnuts to soldiers during World War I. Chains like Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme and McDonald’s offer free or discounted donuts on this day of days.
The history of donuts like most things is muddy, or clotted if you will with various characters laying claim and a few instances of simultaneous genius rising to the top of the lard boil.
Archeologists routinely find fossilized pieces of prehistoric donuts in the middens of Native American settlements. Dutch immigrants brought their “oily cakes” to American shores and legend states a ship captain inadvertently invented the donut as we know it when he speared a pastry on the spokes of the ship’s wheel so he could steer and eat. Nourishment and navigation, folks, the antiquated equivalent of ‘hold my beer.’
It may have been a sailor’s circumstance that gored the original donut but it was a Russian immigrants invention that led to its proliferation. In 1920, Adolph Levitt’s donuts were such a profound hit, he designed a machine to produce them fast enough to meet demand.
A land of appetites and excess, the US consumes more than 10 billion donuts per year, according to the Simmons National Consumer Survey.
Read on to learn more about the donut that embodies your zodiac sign and in the spirit of gout and all that is good, make sure and read our guide to the junk food that embodies your zodiac sign and the dessert that aligns with your stars.
Mochi donut
A confectionary metaphor for the Aries temperament, mochi donuts are both sweet and unsettlingly akin to a throwing star. Aries is ruled by Mars, planet of conflict, action and litigation.
The mochi donut is an unlikely source of all three; this winter high-end NYC ice cream chain Mochidoki brought charges of trademark infringement against their Upper West Side rival dessert shop Mochi Dolci.
Boston cream donut
The Boston Cream donut is the Taurus of donuts because it gives zero f—s and is equal parts decadent and uncompromising.
Leave it to a bull to argue to the death and the last crumb that what is very obviously a cake be called a pie.
Taureans are notorious for their appetites, attitudes and endurance, apropos of this, the Boston cream pie was born in Boston’s Omni Parker House, America’s longest continuously operating hotel.
It gets richer. In 1912, fleeing political persecution, Taurus Ho Chi Minh began working at the Omni Parker House as a pastry chef preparing the fabled dessert. Calories and communism, a Taurus poem.
Jelly donut
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, planet of language and exchange. In kind, the earliest recipe for a jelly donut can be traced to a 16th century cookbook, “Mastery of the Kitchen,” the first cookbook to be printed on on Johannes Gutenberg’s press.
The donut was made by spreading jam between two bread rounds and deep frying the whole glorious, gluttonous wheel in lard. Two pieces made whole with an inside that leaves a stain? A Gemini poem if ever there was one.
Glazed donut
Cancer are drawn to the classics; old Hollywood films, vintage bric-a-brac, family heirlooms and codependent relationship dynamics. Glazed is an adjective oft assigned to them, born of the sweat from the sex they just had with their ex, the dew of ennui they carry and the tears of memory they routinely weep.
Munchkins/donut holes
Munchkins are the preferred donut of Leo Ben Affleck who stans hard for Dunkin’, reportedly visiting the franchise once a day and lending his hype to their recent Super Bowl commercial. Munchkins are an apt choice for lions as Leo is all heart and munchkins are the kind of donuts without a gaping hole inside of them. Bless.
Potato donut
As an earth sign Virgo is close to the dirt, preferring things unvarnished, untreated and uncomplicated people and donuts included. Virgos are ever seeking to improve themselves and the conditions of the world around them.
Enter the mother of all root vegetable confections, the potato donut, made with the starch and salt of the earth they are a lighter alternative to their wheat laden counterparts and align with the Virgo ethos of be better always and in all ways.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
Apple cider donut
In the Northern hemisphere Libra season coincides with darkening days, pumpkin spice, ubiquitous Ugg boots and apple picking, making the cider donut their autumnal equal. Libra is ruled by Venus, planet of aesthetics, assets and attraction.
Among the fruits associated with the goddess is the ‘tempt me into damnation’ apple. Apropos of this, Libra rules the adrenal glands and one of the myriad health benefits of apples is the alleviation of adrenal fatigue.
Chocolate glazed donut
Scorpio and Cancer are a pair of water signs with much in common; heightened intuition, powerful emotionality, deep attachments and deeper resentments.
Apropos of this, Scorpio is the chocolate glazed donut of the zodiac AKA a Cancer with goth frosting.
Churro
Sagittarius represents expansion and ideology, strange shores and long journeys.
The ugly underbelly incarnation of this energy is colonization and it was colonization, courtesy of Spanish conquistadors is what brought churros to the shores of the new world.
The other end of the archers arrow, good time rolling and road traversing can be found in the churro’s modern association with fairgrounds, carnivals, cinnamon and conviviality.
