“You’re letting me out? .I’m free? I’m FREE? Wait…wh…what is this for? OH GOD WHAT IS THIS FOR!?”
~[Redacted]
It’s been almost a decade since we’ve last heard from [Redacted] so we’ll give you some backstory if you might not recall him. After we sent one of our finest investigative reporters out to eat at a Vegan restaurant, things went a bit sideways. To save his family the shame of doing such a thing as eating a meal in America without meat, we buried his identity, kept him in a locked broom closet, and forced him to review the worst shit imaginable for us.
A 1980s rap video with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, a Rodney Danger rap video, a rap video about recycling. These were his only moments outside of the stuffy darkness. But it wasn’t all just bad white-person old-school rap. Hell, we even made him write a Buzzfeed article back when Buzzfeed was a thing that people actually read. Haha, holy shit, remember Buzzfeed? Back then ChatGPT was just called “unpaid interns” and the end result was about the same.
But anyway. Long story short, we totally forgot we hadn’t let him out since 2014. Then during one of our holiday parties (we believe it was for the anniversary of the release of Rocky IV) we accidentally bumped into our broom closet, freeing [Redacted] who somehow had stayed alive thanks to a leak in the ceiling and the 30 years of prepper-grade rations we always keep in every single closet in our compound.
So we put him to work.
We asked him what he wanted to write about, as a way of apologizing for his decade of solitude, and he said, “Well I left off on the hit AMC show, The Walking Dead, shortly before my last assignment. The first season was great, the second was a little slow, but it seemed to be gaining steam. How about I write about that.”
Oh [Redacted]. You sweet, cursed soul.
[REDACTED] Reviews the Entire Walking Dead, God Bless Him.
Oh. Hello world. How is 2023? I’ve not seen sunlight since 2014, so I have to assume it’s been clear sailing here in America. Unity. Prosperity. The ability to casually have a coughing fit in public without people judging you.
And of course, The Walking Dead franchise becoming the next Star Wars.
Star Wars is still good and uniting all of its fans under one utopian banner, right?
The boss still hasn’t let me outside, but he did give me a 40 ounce of King Cobra and said I could catch up on The Walking Dead. What a neat show! When I stopped walking, the scrappy group of survivors had left the farm and had a new villain on the horizon.
But much to my surprise, while the show had just finished its 11 season run, but it had spawned multiple spin-offs! So I watched every episode of every one that has aired up to today, September 19th, 2023….
And I realize something. AFFotD HAD FUCKED ME AGAIN! JESUS. Okay, here is my review of all these shows. Spoiler warning, but honestly, you are better off being spoiled.
The Walking Dead: 2010-2021 (Concluded)
So to go through the entire plot of this show is pointless. To talk about all the characters is pointless. By my count, of the main characters you meet in the first two seasons, five ended up alive, and one (the main Character, Rick Grimes) basically was presumed dead for the last few seasons.
The Walking Dead was a huge hit when it came out. It was gritty, raw, and gory. Were the characters “compelling” with “three dimensions”? Mostly no. But did you get to see someone get their cheek bitten off every thirty minutes or so? Fuck yeah!
The first season involves a ragtag gang of survivors, including a police officer who missed the end of the world while in a shooting-related coma, going to the CDC with hopes of finding a Zombie cure. Then the best friend from The Truman Show and The Americans decided to blow up the CDC because that was a dead end.
“Hi I’m every best friend/neighbor character with something to hide.”
Season two takes place on a farm. Just, a fucking farm. There’s a cuckold subplot, and the biggest twist is that we learn that everyone who dies of natural causes also ends up turning into a zombie. From there, they go to a prison, have a deadly flu outbreak (again, still haven’t caught up with the news of the past ten years, I’ve just been watching this show the last three months, but deadly viruses? Has to be far fetched, even for a zombie show) and end up having to kill a bunch of cannibals.
After the fourth or fifth season, the whole show just sort of melds together, and from what I can tell people just stopped paying much attention to it. Neegan was a thing. People were really excited about Neegan, apparently!
And around the fifth season, The Walking Dead universe expanded
Fear the Walking Dead: 2015-2013 (Final Season)
Oh boy, this one was a roller coaster. It starts off with mostly annoying characters, including a heroin addict who they try to portray as “a young, hot, Johnny Depp type” which basically means “he’s super skinny and looks like he only bathes during the solstice.”
After three seasons of “well, I guess AMC doesn’t have a lot of TV shows, so that’s why they haven’t cancelled it” episodes, Fear became a completely different show. They killed wannabe-Depp, and just about every character except for a handful from the first season and brought in some heavy hitters, including Morgan, an OG from Walking Dead, Jenna Elfman, Maggie Grace and that dude who played two completely different characters in Deadwood that one time.
Then shit got weird. Half a season was like, “What would happen if a crazy hurricane hit…and made a bunch of zombies fly around?” Yes, they basically did Sharknado but with zombies.
Then they leveled up to…a fucking nuclear holocaust. Even when it doesn’t work, I have to tip my hat to the mad scientists that were like, “You know that zombie spinoff show that no one talks about? Yeah, the one where we got rid of the entire original cast? Let’s do two seasons in a nuclear wasteland, but with zombies. Oh how? Um, doomsday cult found a grounded nuclear submarine, stop thinking so much about it.”
That last part is not a bit.
It’s ending now, but the final plot point is *checks notes* a Lord of the Flies type civilization with kidnapped children and NO PARENTS ALLOWED. Is it weird that I kind of love this show now?
World Beyond: 2020-2021 (Concluded)
As best as I can tell, this was The Walking Dead‘s attempt to make a show “for the youths.” Like, a Young Adult novel, but post apocalypse. The forced human drama they stuff in here (they always have to have some sort of “BUT THE REAL MONSTER IS MAN” shit in these shows) is that one of the teens killed the mother of another of the teens like ten years ago.
It basically served to show more of the “rebuilding society” featured in the original show where, despite seeming like a utopia, is a place where *takes off glasses dramatically* *scratches my cornea because I don’t wear glasses* all is not what it seems.
They played this off as being scheduled to only run two seasons, but between you and me, dear reader, they probably just cut the chord because the only thing worse than trying to tell the same zombie story after 10 years of that same zombie story is to make all the main characters teens.
It does feature the actress from The Americans who played the Russian who slept with Noah Emmerich, so it does allow us to find a way to combine The Americans into the Walking Dead universe, but that’s a different review for the next time they let me out of my cage.
Tales of the Walking Dead
Tales basically asked the question no one cared (cared enough to) ask. What if, Twilight Zone, but zombies?
Running six episodes, each with completely different plots, characters and clear beginning and ends, the episodes ranged from “Hey we have Terry Crews” to “Here’s an origin story of one of the main villains of the first show” to, um, “Groundhogs Day with Zombies and Parker Posey?”
Apparently they’re going to do another season of this thing no one ever really wanted or needed! It’s in development, along with The Ones Who Live which sounds like it’s Harry fucking Potter but it’s actually a show coming out at some point starring Michonne, because apparently kicking ass in the Marvel Universe still is not enough to pull you from the black hole that is the WDU (Walking Dead Universe).
Dead City – 2023-? (Season 2 in Development)
So there are a couple of tiers of actors that show up in this universe. Actually, here’s a nifty graphic to give you a sense of it. Of the two main characters in the new show Dead City, the actress who plays Maggie falls into two of these categories.
It’s the circle of Walking Dead Life. I wish I could tell you something meaningful about this show having seen its first season, but all I remember is that it takes place in New York, and a plot point involves using zombie farts to make electricity.
Two million watched its debut episode. And I guess I was one of them. I’m an asshole.
Finally, the currently running show in this universe has only aired two episodes. It involves an actor from the orange tier of the pyramid I made.
Daryl Dixon – 2023-? (Ongoing)
Daryl Dixon is a fan favorite. Gruff, resourceful, he has a cute dog, named dog, Daryl is awesome. So it’s not surprising they gave him a show. And honestly, two episodes in, it’s definitely one of the better offshoots. That could go sideways, but they’ve logged 2.5 hours of quality zombie drama, so I’m excited to see where this one goes.
Now, the plot is a little straightforward. Daryl’s backstory is well established. He had an abusive father, a criminal brother who steered him into crime but ultimately had his back, even sacrificing himself for Daryl and his crew to live.
He’s a loner, but has a soft spot he tries to hide but usually isn’t able to. He’s fiercely loyal, handy with a crossbow, and someone you don’t want to have as an enemy.
So you know this man. Wanderer. Good old southern boy. Likes to ride a motorcycle and take to the woods. Looking to find Rick and Michonne somewhere in the American south.
Opening scene – Daryl Dixon, a little worse for the wear, is tied to a capsized rowing boat. Reaching land, he stumbles up, drinks the last of his water, and finds himself…
IN FUCKING FRANCE.
FUCK.ING.
FRANCE
You know what? I’m not even mad. I respect the swing. This is the most anyone has written about this series of shows since I last saw sunlight in 2014, so good for them into just trying to keep it going despite little-to-no demand.
Oh, speaking of that whole lost decade thing, as a treat for writing this, the staff here said I could go out and ask one person a single question before I go back to the closet. I could ask about my family. God how I miss them.
Oh, excuse me sir! Yes, yes, I know I reek of rainwater and MREs. I was just wondering…hmm..one question…
Who won the World Series in 2016?
…The Cubs? OH GODDAMN IT! THAT’S BULLSHIT!
[Editor’s Note- while we’re glad he didn’t ask about what happened, say, in 2020, we should point out that {Redacted} is a Cardinals fans. That should make you feel better about how poorly we treat him]
