“Be Curious. Not Judgmental.”
~Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso, the little show that could (win 11 Emmys), aired its (theoretically) final episode recently. You know the show. You have at least one friend who is like all of our staff members who will gladly talk to you about it without warning, most likely leading to a long, unwelcome conversation.
It’s the story of a college football coach brought over to England to coach a team owned by a spurned ex-wife who hires him to tank her former husband’s favorite team.
What ensues is a heartwarming ensemble sports show that also deals with heavy topics like mental health, divorce, and self-harm. It also is, by far, the most popular Apple TV+ intellectual property. It has a devoted fan base, hundreds of accolades, and is so great that even though it was planned to end after the third season, they won’t rule out a spinoff.
We love it.
For the past two years, we’ve done the aggressive work of Ranking every. Single. Character. If they had a name? They got an entry!
We wrote about 61 characters who had a named role in Season 1. By Season 2, that number blew up to 121.
According to the Ted Lasso wiki page, by Season 3 we got up to over 300 characters.
Politely? Fuck that.
We’re changing the rules for this final entry to this series, which might diminish the impact of how different certain characters’ rankings are compared to last year, but no one reading this wants to deal with 20,000 words mostly filled with entries that simply read, “Oh, this is Amy, she was Jamie’s partner in the reality TV series he did at the start of Season 2.”
You don’t want to hear that! You want to see where we ranked Nate now! His journey has been a roller coaster!
So instead of ranking every character who has a line or a name, we’ll start with an honorary “you were on the show good for you” list before ranking characters who have actual impact on the show. This should save you all about 20 extra minutes of reading, so you’re welcome.
Every Ted Lasso Character, Ranked (Season 3)
The Honorary Ted Lasso Characters
Here is a list of all the characters who can say, “Sweet! I was in a Ted Lasso!”. We’ll include previous ratings and a sentence describing them. But get ready for a long bullet point list! Feel free to skip past this.
- Richard Cole (125) – The CEO of Cerithium Oil, is basically evil, wants Sam fired. Only appears over a phone call.
- Danothy (121) – Contestant on Love Conquers All.
- Ernie Lounds (118) – He’s the dickhead reporter from The Sun who asks Rebecca about Rupert’s “new girl” in the series opener.
- Bernard (117) – The boy who tells Phoebe her breath smells.
- Ellie (113) – Contestant on Love Conquers All.
- Sarah Coombes (111) – The rude hostess at the secret Bones and Honey club during the Beard stand-alone episode.
- Vinai Ahuja (110) – He’s the Director of Football for Man City (Richmond’s “white whale”) who appears once to say that he’s not welcoming Jamie back on the team at the start of Season 2.
- Uri (101), Tracey (107) – Jamie’s former agent, and his proposed new PR representative.
- Paul John Pope (104) – The concierge at the hotel in Liverpool, he asks Sassy Smurf out for a date.
- Rosie (103) – She sleeps with Jamie right after he and Keeley break up.
- Harry Gill (and friends) (99-101) – The Oxford bros from the Beard episode.
- Kip/Ray/Alex/Robbie (94-97) – Richmond fans without lines who were given names.
- Sam (93) – Jamie’s hairdresser.
- Trevor (92) – Bus driver. Again, there’s a reason we’re not putting too much effort into these characters.
- Kyle McCracken/Jack Dawkins/Martin De Maat/ Arlo Dixon/Tyler Shannon/ Jeff Goodman (85-90) – Richmond bench players.
- Stevie (84) – The bellhop at the hotel for the Everton game.
- Headmaster (83) – The headmaster of Phoebe’s school who doesn’t know Ted’s name.
- Jaylah Vivienne (82) – The host of Love Conquers All.
- Ben (79) – The taxi driver who takes Roy to the Richmond game when he quits his TV gig in Season 2.
- Suzi Campbell (78) – The feminist dog trainer trainer (who has a thing for Keeley).
- Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby (75-76) – Daytime TV hosts.
- Seema Jaswal and Ian Wright (73-74) – Premiere League commentators.
- Geoff (70) – He’s a hot waiter who sleeps with Rebecca.
- Luca (69) – He’s a hot dude who sleeps with Rebecca. (Could be a waiter?)
- Banksy (68) – The Banksy. Apparently he’s a middle-aged white dude who looks like a banker.
- Red, Darren (66-67) – The femme fatale of the Beard episode, and her muscle-bound jealous boyfriend (who ends up saving Beard’s life).
- Isabella (63) – A Richmond employee.
- Liza (62) – A Richmond employee.
- Derek (61) – Richmond’s lawn mower.
- Scott Van Pelt (68) – Famous ESPN commentator who announces Ted’s hiring to start the show.
- Amy (57) – Jamie’s assigned love interest in Love Conquers All.
- Janice (56) – The only named character from Roy’s Yoga group.
- Gary Lineker (52) – Soccer great who appears in hallucinations in Beard’s episode.
- Jeff Stelling and Chris Kamara (51-50): Two football broadcasters who first appeared last season
- The Christmas Buskers (47-49) – The name explains it all.
- Thierry Henry (46) – Soccer great who appears in hallucinations in Beard’s episode.
- Gail (45) – Richmond’s physical therapist who loves True Crime podcasts.
- Earl Greyhound (42, NR) – We have a new Earl. The old Earl was killed by a penalty kick. (They are the dog mascots of Richmond).
- Kokoruda (37) – A member of Phoebe’s soccer team, Roy likes her hustle.
- Terry/Chris/Dana/Stevie/Lindsay Higgins (29-34) – Leslie Higgins’ many children who “wouldn’t exist” if Higgins didn’t believe in second chances.
- Edward the Lamb Wrangler (NR) – You can guess what he does.
- Mr. Gilman (NR) – The Director of Football for Chelsea F.C.
- Gary (NR) – A different Gary than one listed further on, it’s one of the reporters who appears over nine episodes.
- Busker (NR) – The busker who sings “Hey Jude” during a particularly nice moment between Beard and Henry.
- Charles Siziba (NR) – Food critic with questionable ethics who shows up to Sam’s restaurant to just insult him.
- Lord Robert Wadsworth (NR) – One of the club owners invited to the Akufo League.
- Nicolay Alexayav (NR) – One of the club owners invited to the Akufo League.
- Johnny (NR) – We honestly don’t know who this guy is, played by Omar Ibrahim, who we also are not familiar with. He’s in six episodes though! This article involved so much research we just do not have the energy to look into his deal more than this apologetic description. Our best guess is that he works for Keeley’s company.
- Janette (NR) – Same as Johnny. She was in an episode in Season 2, and an episode in Season 3, but we don’t know her deal, so she’s on this list.
- Emma (NR) – The flight attendant from the first and final episodes of Season 3.
- Chloe (NR) – One of the workers at KJPR.
- Chuck, Mel, Del, J. Brinker, Ivor, Gary, James, Matthew, Veggie Dog Vigilante Victim, Helen, Dewey, Bruce, Paul Merson (as himself), Arnold, Jermaine Jenas (as himself), Rebecca Lowe (as herself), Peter Crouch (as himself), Tom Fordyce (as himself), Chris Stark (as himself), Fran, Jessica, The Van Gough Docent, Marjolein, Gizmo the Bike Junkie, Bart the Bartender, Anwar the Reporter, Donte Charles, TV Reporter, Jack Van Gelder (as himself), Marv Albert (as himself, archival footage), Aiden, Gen, Allard, Saskia, Welmoed, Farima, Brinda Barot, Chloe, Addison, Roger, Susan, Alyssa, Mrs. Bread, Young Rebecca, Martin Tyler, Bruce, Lanny, Dan, Sophie, Barry, Jessica, Megan, Harold, Soccer Girl, Ali, Sophia (NR) – These are all the characters who randomly appear during Season 3 but who don’t really need any descriptions.
90: Rupert Mannion (Previous Ranking: 121)
In season 1, Rupert was the charming scumbag who you loved to hate. In season two, he was the goateed villain with charm but some redeeming moments.
Season 3 had Rupert go full asshole, with one quick hiccup where it looked like he might have changed his tune.
But he didn’t.
He tries to steal Nate’s girlfriend from him in front of his face (with a wife and an infant child at home), cheats on said wife with his assistant, fires that assistant when it becomes “inconvenient” and eventually loses not only his manger and the Premiere League title, but also his ownership stake when he gets #MeToo’d.
It was just a matter of time before Rupert’s fall to the bottom would finish, and by the end of the Season 3 finale, he reaches those depths.
89: Edwin Akufo (Previous Ranking: 119)
Sam Richardson is a charming and multi-faceted comedic actor, which is why his heel-turn in season two came as such a surprise. That said, he clearly relishes his role as a billionaire villain, and he continues that streak when he appears in Episode 10 of the third season.
He’s last seen throwing a tantrums, tossing classic Ghanaian cuisine and Chicago-Style hot dogs (like the ones enjoyed by Barack Obama and Ferris Bueller) after his plans for an “Akufu League” are foiled by Rebecca (which was very blatantly ripped from the headlines storyline).
He is the second worst character of the show, which is impressive considering he only appears in a few episodes. But he’s a petulant billionaire whose attempts to keep Sam off the Nigerian national team costs him $20 million…and still didn’t work, as Sam ended up making the team anyway.
He doesn’t know how to read the room, and is so disassociated from the rest of general society that he hires a guy specifically to give out handshakes on his behalf. He’s a caricature, and though it’s fun to see Richardson have fun with the role, as far as the personality traits of the characters of the show, he belongs in the bottom.
The fact that he couldn’t make a group of billionaires try to make more money, and responded to that rejection with a one-man food fight, tells you exactly why he’s here on the list.
88: Damien (Previous Ranking: NR)
We were going to include Damien in our “honorary” section, but he’s the asshole fan in the ninth episode of Season 3 that used the F-word (not that one, the other one) and set Isaac on a rampage. He’s a dick, a bigot, and once was mean to Mae’s niece, so he deserves a spot at the bottom of this list.
87: George Cartick (Previous Ranking: 126)
George, the former manager of Richmond, continues to show up as a talking head on Gillette Soccer Saturday, where he constantly flip-flops and has the worst takes as his co-hosts scoff. One week, Nate is the Wonder Kid who is solely responsible for the success of West Ham. The next, it’s Rupert who is the mastermind, and doesn’t need Nate.
That flip-flop likely led to him being hired as West Ham’s coach, though he continues his legacy of mediocrity in their loss to Richmond, while naturally exposing his testicles due to the short nature of his managerial shorts.
He’s an opportunist, masogonist, and most importantly is just really, really dumb. He continues to remain at the bottom of our list.
86: Jack Danvers (Previous Ranking: NR)
Like Edwin Akufo in Season 2, Jack shows up for a few episodes as the Venture Capitalist behind Keeley’s PR firm…and then her lover. Okay well that last part isn’t similar to Akufo, but the “showing up as a charming, likeable character only to end up being kind of shitty” part is on par.
She dates Keeley, and then essentially slut-shames her for a hacker posting videos she sent to Jamie during their relationship, writes a tone-deaf apology FOR Keeley that she delivers through a second-hand source for Keeley to read, dumps Keeley and drops all her funding while basically ghosting one of the bright spots of the show.
She was introduced as lovely character with lovely shoes and a spare tampon, then becomes a love-bomber and eventually an off-screen shitty ex. That fall from lovely happens at a jarringly sudden place, but when you finish the series you find yourself thinking…yeah, Jack sucks. If you even think about her at all.
84-85 (Tie): Denbo Cullens and Bug (Previous Ranking: 124/125)
These as mentioned in our second season guide, these guys (second to the left, and first to the right) are James Tartt’s shitty friends.
They briefly show up toward the end of the season swigging from flasks giving Jamie some soft accolades and making it seem like his father has passed (when he’s just in rehab).
But let’s not forget that they were basically fully on board to kill Beard. We don’t condone homicide on this website, and if the cops as you our opinion of that, tell them we have never been to Cincinnati.
83: Shandy Fine (Previous Ranking: NR)
Keeley’s model friend, Shandy, joins KJPR (which eventually is reinvented as KBPR in the final episode, apparently signaling a true business partnership with Barbara) in the second episode. She’s positioned to be a Keeley-esque success story, but turns into a Jack-esque disaster. While some argue her character was given a rough shake of things, and she does go from “possibly inspirational character” to “absolute train wreck” in less than an episode, she mostly exists to show Keeley’s growing pains as a boss, which ends up being a recurring theme for Season 3.
That said…oh man does Shandy suck. She’s over-confident, braggodacious, and follows through with her worst impulses (including changing the motto of bantr without running it by anyone). When she inevitably gets fired, she loses her shit and burns all bridges (and also unleashes a very fecal goat into the KJPR offices).
Every scene after the first that she appears in are cringey, and while we wished we had a more multi-faceted character, the character we got definitely deserved to be at the bottom of the rankings.
82: Anastasia Orlov (Previous Ranking: NR)
The famous model who goes on a date with Nate…listen, we’re saying “they kind of suck” a lot in this segment of the article, and we know thesauruses exist, but…Anastasia kind of suck? She exists to show the superficial lifestyle that Rupert espouses, while also serving as a (honestly, kind of lazy, story-wise) tool to get Jade and Nate together.
Her whole thing is she’s a famous model and…that’s it. She goes on a date with Nate for status, doesn’t listen to him as he explains the importance of his favorite restaurant, and then leaves abruptly with a bunch of models in an exit that feels like it’ll end with a freak gasoline fight accident.
81: Derek (Previous Ranking: NR)
Weirdly enough, for a character who appears as much in Season 3 as he does, it is currently impossible to find a picture of Derek in Ted Lasso on Google Images. Or in the Ted Lasso Wiki. It might be because he sucks? (Damn it, that word again.)
Derek is the Nate-obsessed manager of “A Taste of Athens” who comes off pretty obnoxious and almost certainly sexually harassed his staff.
He’s not this low because he fires Nate, or comes off as just kind of a doofus, though none of that helps.
He’s this low because he’s definitely a creep. When he comes to Nate in the penultimate episode to fire him, he makes it readily apparent he had been slapped or punched in the face. He might have been sketchy to Jade at that moment, or maybe she used a slap as a punctuation mark for her demand that he fire Nate.
Either way, Derek just does not seem like a fun hang.
80: Doctor Jacob Bryanson (Previous Ranking: NR)
Doctor Jake isn’t an outright prick or asshole. He is someone who just…sucks. Goddamn it, we can do better than our 6th use of the word “suck.”
He’s a fucking dork. There we go.
Not only is a couples counselor dating a recent patient pretty unethical, he’s just…like we said, a dork. A lame hang. The kind of guy who’s really into Dave Matthews and watching CSI reruns. He’s corny (but not in the charming Ted Lasso way), uninterested in his partner’s interests, and he’s the man who is DATING TED LASSO’S (ex) WIFE.
Again, he sucks. (SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS we’ll say it as many times as we want dammit!)
He’s a character who is introduced doing a bad Donald Trump impression, and who closes out likely dumped and is definitely being a disengaged douche. Doctor Jacob (Please, Ted call him Jake) is a one-note adversarial character who no one likes.
It’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t end up with Ted’s ex-wife, as he starts the season as “awkward guy unethically dating a former client” to “being a petulant child about watching a soccer game.” Which is good. He at least helped Melissa rank higher than she would have if she stayed with him.
79: Francis (Previous Ranking: 98)
While already ranking low on our list after his initial appearance, the man in charge of giving handshakes on behalf of Edwin Akufo drops lower (don’t let the number fool you, he’s a bottom-15 character). He dropped down even further for the seeming enjoyment he had giving Sam one of those “too slow” handshake moves.
78: Roger (Previous Ranking: NR)
He’s the nerdy dude working for West Ham. He’s just sort of a nebbish awkward yes-man who constantly thinks he’s in trouble.
77: Disco (Previous Ranking: NR)
The assistant manager of West Ham, Disco is a stern presence on the sideline. He’s not overtly shitty, but he also just serves to be “one of the coaches on the bad guy team.”
76: Richard (Previous Ranking: 114)
Richard exists to be a sort of stick-in-the-mud patron who always corrects people at Mae’s pub, The Crown and Anchor. He basically continues to play that single-note approach in Season 3. It might seem like he jumped in rankings, but he didn’t, we just ranked fewer characters this season because we didn’t want to die before finishing this article, nor did we want to die writing an article that was roughly 983,000 words long.
75: John (Previous Ranking: 102)
The terribly dull name-dropping man who went on several dates with Rebecca shows up, and is engaged. His fiancé’s Freudian slip implies that, he’s “shite”.
He’s a blatant character trope that exists to show Rebecca she deserves better, but in season 3 he shifts from “being boring” to “oh no, he’s like, an oblivious entitled dick.” He bullies octogenarian Anthony Hopkins for an “ussie” (blaming him for being famous enough to warrant one), and gets upset at the “attitude” given to him while receiving free tickets to the last Richmond game of the season.
He originally was in the bottom 10 of our rankings, but honestly? His response to getting his nose bloodied by Isaac’s penalty kick bumped him up a few spots because his response to that was actually positive and enthusiastic.
74: James Tartt (Previous Ranking: 127)
Jamie Tartt’s terrible, abusive father doesn’t re-appear until the last two episodes of Season 3, and doesn’t really get any lines. After Jamie’s incredible performance at the Man City game, the show briefly lets you think he’s passed away before you learn that he’s in rehab. He also gets a brief shot of him sharing a loving moment with his son in the finale.
He jumps up in the standings due to him working on himself (and good for him) but still stays on the lower side of things due to his actions towards Jamie both in the last few seasons and how he treated Jamie in general before righting his ship.
But as Ted Lasso preaches, people deserve second chances. And it looks like James is handling his the right way.
73: Gerard (Previous Ranking: NR)
They apparently gave a name to the one heckler during the Man City game in the second-to-last episode of the series, heckling Jamie Tartt aggressively, and calling him soft the whole game. He’d easily be in the “Rupert” territory on this list, but when Jamie Tartt scores the finishing goal, with an injured ankle, he was the one that urged his fellow Man City supporters to cheer him on for his effort.
72: Dan (Previous Ranking: NR)
The nervous and awkward worker at Keeley’s PR firm, Dan leaves the show after Jack pulls funding by pointing out that Keeley is a great boss, and also “the hottest” one he’s ever had.
71: Tish (Previous Ranking: NR)
The psychic who Rebecca’s mother goes to is initially told she’s “fucking cruel” when telling Rebecca that she will have a family. She does end up being correct with her prediction (if you’re being generous) when Rebecca ends up with her Dutch lover (who happens to be a pilot, with a child).
70: Mina (the Maid) (Previous Ranking: 77)
Mina is a saint, having had to walk into much more accidental male nudity than her job description necessitates (assuming you consider Coach Beard’s thong to be nudity, which we do). And whenever she encounters it she knows the right decision.
Start in a different room.
69: Mr. Mann (Previous Ranking: 109)
The man(n) who only shows up to call Ted a wanker. He started off as a jerk, but by Season 3 he has started using “wanker” as a term of endearment, so he gets a slight boost.
68: Ms. Kakes (Previous Ranking: NR)
She spends her entire five-episode arc as Rupert’s stern and no-nonsense assistant with whom Rupert has an affair. Honestly, given her no-nonsense demeanor, the scene of her flirtingly interacting with Rupert felt like a bit of a reach.
Kakes knowingly becomes Rupert’s mistress while Bex was taking care of a young child, which is fairly shitty, but she teams up with Bex to eventually take Rupert down.
67: Bex (Previous Ranking: 116)
Oddly enough, Bex manages to come off way ahead of where she was last season. The “other Rebecca” wasn’t portrayed exactly sinisterly in Season 2, but in Season 3 she’s a new mom (with a new hairdo, though she won’t admit to that) who goes from flighty trophy wife to a sassy mom who gives her shitty husband shit when he deserves it.
She ultimately helps bring Rupert down, with the help of Rebecca and Kakes (see above) and finds herself some agency (though it’s unsure if she ends up taking West Ham in the divorce like Rebecca was able to take Richmond, we’d like to imagine that was the case)
