“We haven’t written an article in a while. And the people that are upset about that fact will not be placated by this. But fuck it, publish it.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt

This will be a unique article. Not a good one, mind you. Consider yourself forewarned. If this is the first AFFotD article you’ve ever read, may we suggest you begin with our “World’s Saddest Cuisines” feature.

But the point is, we’ve not posted here for a while, and that’s largely due to a lawsuit we have with a specific European nation (fuck off Liechtenstein) and also our laziness.

But you are now witnessing the first ever live-post AFFotD has ever done.

There is no editing. This is all real time. The time-stamp on this article has not been altered, and so you already should know the level of quality this article will be. They can’t all be winners. But when it’s midnight, the start of New Year’s Eve, and you discover that in 2022 there was a low-budget horror film called Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2, well, if you work at AFFotD, you are legally obligated to watch it and write a beat-by-beat review of it as you are watching it. The film has no nuance, nor should we.

SO LET’S GET AFTER IT. Let’s talk about a sequel to a 2016 Movie that we also didn’t see that we know must be bad. Strap the fuck in (but don’t fuck in the woods, we guess).

Apparently You Should Not Fuck in the Woods, According to Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2

We cannot stress enough that this is not a bit. For a website that does bits, like pretending we have some witness protection program for vegans or that one time we made up a biography of a real person as a joke who then very seriously threatened to sue us (he made us change his name in the article to “Bill Angry” even though all the links in the article link to the published stories about his real life) we have to emphasize- this is not a bit. It’s dumb, but it’s not a bit.

We have to really emphasize that because, hey, we do bits! We claim to have won 17 Pulitzers! Even more ridiculously, we claim to have ONLY seen Rocky IV 87 times! We are not people to be taken seriously.

Which is why we want to be very transparent about the process behind this article.

We are currently 20 minutes into watching this movie as we type this.  Because we saw this existed, realized we had the means to see it, and said, “fuck yes, press PLAY” and then spent that long firing up the website and writing our intro.

Most of our articles takes hours, usually days, to fully complete, between research and everything. This one is just our raw thoughts as we…

Okay pause – there’s an old man in a cowboy hat saying “look at the poon walking around here” with menacing music. And now a woman in a bikini is saying “does someone smell bacon?” Menacing music that does not match the vibe is playing. This article is probably unfiltered to a fault.

Anyway, let’s start timestamping from where we are in this movie.

31:18-  A couple leaves a campfire chat to have sex in a tent. There has been two minutes of the guy (wearing a mullet wig) talking about how they like to do role playing, with a lot of jokes about how “people who fuck in the woods always die.” The girlfriend is now naked. Every actress in this film is going to get naked aren’t they?

33:45- Yup, another actress got naked. The music cue was weirdly menacing.

34:45– The couple from before, you know, three minutes ago, are having sex. The guy is saying, “You’re the best counselor I’ve ever had. yee haw!” The woman is saying, “We did cowboys last week.”

Oh, it’s after midnight, our staff is gonna knock off today’s Wordle while the movie plays. Might as well. Is “might” a good first guess? Ugh probably not.

37:25- More sex stuff with the role-play couple. He says, “That’s mullet time, baby. You gotta pee?” This article might have been a bad idea.

38:55– Okay. Um

Um.

Not sure how to describe this.

It’s going in between soft-core sex scenes, campfire chatting and…um…a…space worm? Went up? The girlfriend of the role-play couple’s um…butt? Like, graphically?

Took five guesses to get today’s Wordle. Midnight Wordle is always the hardest.

40:40– It’s now randomly morning. Uplifting music is playing. There is now officially one actress who has not been filmed nude. Full disclosure, this article will DEFINITELY end before we finish this movie. We are not going to finish this movie. If we have any self-respect.

49:30- The only actress who didn’t get naked got naked. Then she said something that we’re not going to print here, which is pretty impressive given that we literally say the word “Fuck” at every opportunity we have. (it involved the word “dumpster”)

We’re a big fan of doing this thing, framed.wtf here on staff, so we’re gonna work on that. It’s like, name the movie based on random scenes of it.

52:45- There’s a woman in a bikini covered in blood specks talking about “…a…monster..it..killed…everyone”. There’s drone music playing. Every line has a full two seconds between the next actor delivering their line.

54:08- Soooo, a guy is all zombified, and ran into a bathroom stall, and bit the neck of a woman. We didn’t internalize who these characters are.

Oh hell yeah. We got Framed.wtf in two guesses. Honestly, it was impressive – the movie was a pretty obscure sequel. Not Don’t Fuck in the Woods level obscure, but still.

58:05- . One of the actors has fake teeth in and he just got killed by another guy with scissors. Yes there has been more nudity between these updates.

1:03:00-. One of the women who now has fake teeth just punched another woman through the chest.

1:07:05– We’re at the climax. Only a handful of people are alive. This movie actually might have cost $356 but no more than that.

1:09:58– Oh wow, there’s a lot of blood. And a chainsaw. It’s a space-worm-zombie-vampire movie or something? Three characters are alive now, including the ex-con who is supposed to be the hero we think? (one of the others has never not been in a bikini this entire movie). So anyway, there’s a thing called Yeardle, it’s like, history-wordle, so we’ll do that.

1:12:16- Goddamn it. Wasn’t even close on Yeardle. It’s hard when it’s before the year 1000. We think we overheard the 8th lazy anal sex joke in this movie?

1:20:05- Oh movie’s over? Didn’t notice, we were checking our email.

1:23:29- They’re showing bloopers of the cast just having fun filming this but the credits for this film are literally the most insane thing we’ve ever seen. It is bloopers, a lot of them including nudity, but the soundtrack is HAUNTING. Who scores bloopers with “someone is behind the door” music? Apparently these fuckers! Anyway, our staff is still upset we never got within 50 years of today’s Yeardle.

This was a disaster. Don’t watch this movie! Do dumb online puzzles instead. This was not worth your time, but hopefully 2023 will be filled with what the people REALLY want. Articles about regional pizza that make people in the Midwest mad! 

1:26:35- There’s a post credit scene teasing another sequel. Goddamn it. We made it to the end credits scene. That’s bleak. Happy New Years everybody!