I often write about my mental health on my own personal blog, but here I choose to go a little deeper into the big picture. Being a freelance Writer is an experience that can’t be taught, its something that you do with purpose. From the moment I picked up a pen as a child, I knew this was what I was destined to do. My imagination has always been filled with daydreams of what could be, and how to make those ideas come alive. As I got older, that gift was something that was nurtured by my high school Writing teacher, Ms. Richards. I remember her telling me to hone the skills that I needed, and that maybe one day I would be able to do this on a professional level. By college, I had gone into AP Creative Writing and that was something that challenged me fully. No longer was I coddled by teachers who thought, I was a great writer. Struggling with the APA format and word count that was expected of me there, lead me to despise what I loved most. There were moments when I would sit there and cry because it was tough, to get a letter grade lower than expected, was not my cup of tea. This was one of my first real adult taste of disappointment, and it was a bitter pill to swallow. It was also the moment I vowed to really apply myself, and learn the correct method. By doing that, and really taking the constructive and peer criticism, I was able to let my ego sit with failure. If you can’t already tell, I am a recovering perfectionist, and thats after years of rewiring my thinking.
We think as children, it’s great to become an adult, with that comes responsibilities and sacrifices. By the time I was 21, my writing took a back seat to life. I worked full time, left school to take care of my sick mother. The creative version of Taaureane, was quieted for many years, and only once in awhile would I allow myself to sit at a computer and write. That lead to sitting in front of a blank page, unable to think of what to say, because who was really listening? As I rose in the ranks of my career at ADM Subway, I was able to find extra time to do what I loved, occasionally writing down my thoughts, bullet points of how I was seeing life. As my life was spiraling out of control around me, it was the one thing I could depend on to stay the same. Sitting in the cold chairs of an ER, looking around for answers to questions with tear filled eyes, thats when this comforted me the most. Inside my head, the what ifs and why me would float around, the uncertainty of my Mom’s diagnosis always lingered. She was my biggest cheerleaders in my creative side, from my drawings to the stories I would spin out of my head. This is something that during the time she was going through her chemo and radiation, that would make her smile. As the dry and burnt fingers laced mine, she said to me, “don’t you ever stop what you love Taaureane”. I’ve made sure that I’ve kept that promise to her, we didn’t have many moments after that, besides the makeshift hospice our home became. She passed away, before the biggest snowstorm of that year, and left behind a legacy in me.
The years following the loss of her have been tough, mentally and physically on me. I lost a lot of weight the first year, and its been a battle since. Things that were dormant came back with a vengeance and tip toeing around the brink of insanity at times. Anxiety and depression, have been a large part of my life for the past 6 years, it’s a fight that I deal with on a daily basis, often trigger or event based. To experience panic attacks that you can’t always control, the endless tears, and thinking you aren’t good enough, run through this head. Having a way of grounding myself is what brings me back, I am a high functioning person. I am able to work full time at my job, have relationships with my friends and family and be a spouse to my husband. That’s not to say any of this has been easy, it’s a constant wheel in motion, greasing it when I falter a bit. That’s where my writing has come in again to save me, being able to brain dump into a safe space, gives me so much clarity. Without that and yoga, I would be stuck inside the vast corners of my mind.
One of my biggest supporters is the aforementioned Ace, and his relationship with me, has shaped the way I look at life. We come from two different worlds, and started out as the best of friends, and realized we were soulmates. As someone who is dealing with a person, who comes with baggage as I have, he’s taken it in stride. The moments in which I fall apart the most, he is there to catch me and he will not allow me to dwell in my pity parties. He will be the first one to bring me back to reality, when I get stuck in my head. His endless patience and unconditional love, and pep talks are all I need in this lifetime. Building each other and following our dreams is what threads all of this together. Truthfully, he inspires me to be more, not just for me, but for us and as cliche as this may sound he’s my hero.
As I look towards the future, including my future as a writer and creator, I can say this I am just getting started. While I spend a good amount of time writing about my own personal experiences, there is so much more to me. Being able to express myself through my words and thoughts has been a blessing, and an opportunity I will never forget. Going back to the gap toothed girl who read in front of her class, to the seasoned woman who is ready to take on the world, thank you. From the listeners of my podcast to the readers of this blog, you inspire me more than you will ever know. I will end on this note: I recently read two books by Gabrielle Stone (she’s amazing, btw), and they are about finding yourself in the midst of your own bs. While that’s something that I’ve read before, this hit me differently, especially when she brought the aspects of toxic relationships to the table. Makes you think about the choices of who exactly you let into your life, and how long they stay. Moral of the story , there are elements of ourselves that sometimes go untouched , burnt to the ground and if we are truly lucky we heal. The most vital lesson I’ve learned though, the people we love, unconditionally and without limits, those are the real ones.
Take Care,
Taaury37
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