When you really take a chance on yourself, it a 50/50 gamble. Sometimes it’s as narrow as the flip of a coin when the Outcome happens. That day for me was today, I’m now prepared to end one chapter of my life and begin a new one. This is finally my chance, I interviewed and 2 hrs later accepted my dream position. It was as though the Universe finally aligned for me at that moment, Walking through my future workplace, I felt so at ease. I was introduced to the staff and providers and it was like, I was home. As the Interview ended and we said our goodbyes, I had a feeling that it was a strong maybe, what tipped the scales in my favor was: being myself. You see I’ve always prided myself on being my own personal billboard, that it would either reflect positively or leave people wondering.
In every interview I’ve had for the company I work for, I’ve been able to secure the position, with the exception of 2. I had let certain things get in my way including anxiety and fear take over the last interview, this one I went into fully confident in myself. As I’ve mentioned high functioning anxiety is just that, being able to live life and just having the shadows lurking, ready to pop out unexpectedly. After that disappointment, I cried for days, I felt like a failure, I let myself down. Days later something else triggered me, and I was like this ends here. I took my weekend off to find myself, to really decompress from the robotic motions I’ve been feeling for months. Took the best bath, organized the house and really spent time working on myself. I also wrote 3 blog post, I feel that when I’m under duress I write the best. Weird, but at the same time unlocks some kind of brilliance underneath it all.
As I count down my days until I’m no longer walking the halls of the hospital, I reflect on the things I’ve been through there. Some of the best and worst has come out of this experience, it taught me to be the strongest version of Taaureane I could be. The tears both happy and sad that have been shed there, have been worth it. The connections of people that I will never forget and friendships that I will cherish always, that’s the things I’m taking going forward. Sure this new position is in a different city, which means new experiences, which I’m ready for and will thrive in. After my interview, I went to the park down the street, sat and said a single prayer for guidance and a sign, I felt the warmth of the sun differently. Either way of the outcome, I learned I’m finally at peace with myself. The fear of missing out has finally dissipated, I’ve allowed myself to feel again.
This time the tears that flowed from my eyes were those of success. I’ve made it in my own way, even though I have so much to learn, I know that the curve I have will help me. This pandemic has been exhausting to me truly, and it’s time to spread my wings and fly. Too long have I allowed, the comfort or what others wanted stand in my way and not my own happiness, life is way too short for that. The amount of mortality I’ve seen lately, has really stuck and resonated with me on different levels. The shackles glued to me, are broken, one foot in front of the other, walking the path I am meant to. If you have noticed the way I write in general has changed, more a seasoned veteran, than the amateur, I once felt like. It comes with confidence in myself and the love of my craft, and knowing what is possible ahead. My goal this year is to publish something small, and focus on school/work/life balance. Everything in the last 2 years has lead to this very moment. In my own description of myself, I am like the lotus blossom: I have been growing steadily all along, obscured from the light, but now with the shadow work and self love, I’ve finally gone into full bloom. The person I am now, has had a resurgence and with that, I have accomplished the transformation and become reborn.