Jan 24. 2015, the day my whole world was shattered. I woke up to my mother’s gurgling and gasping for what would be her last breaths on Earth. To have to go over to her makeshift hospice which was set up in our Living room, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I remember what I said to her, how I gave her dignity as I closed her eyes for the last time and waited for them to remove her. I cut one of the braids she had made when she still had some strength left. I still have it in a jar with her hospital bracelet and glasses. It’s my centerpiece to her. Along with her ashes which sit in the living room her life and death dates carved into the wood.
This isn’t about her death fully, this year I am choosing to celebrate who she was. My mother’s name was Cheryl Lynne Willis, and she was an amazing woman, who helped create the person I am today. She was my first best friend, and always will be. I’ve mentioned her in several other blog post, but since her 6 year anniversary is exactly 7 days away, I wanted to really introduce her to my audience, and the world. She was a single mother who always made sure her baby Boo was taken care of, even if it meant she wasn’t home as much for my childhood. That’s not something I fault her for, because I have the same work ethic because of that, sometimes overworking lol. Aside from that no matter how tired she was, she made sure we had our time, whether that be teaching me roller skate, taking photos (which I still love) and science projects, with things we collected from our nature walks, she made sure I knew what Love was. She spent hours playing Barbies with me, and also put together the very cool house they lived in. I can remember her when I was about 4 and a half teaching me how to ride a bike, and I had it mastered quickly. My toothy grins were everything to her.
During my childhood, I traveled and met Mickey Mouse, which is still my fondest memory, besides living in AZ. She never held me back from being able to experience this with my military Dad, and Mumzy who is her mother. My family was everything to me then and still is, my foundation and rock for life, they keep me grounded. As a teenager she taught me the ins and outs of life and puberty, which I went through early, but still had a lot to learn. When going through traumatic events even as a young woman, you still need your Mom, she’s your safe space. She was when it all came to a head for me, I’m a survivor of sexual molestation. Without her being there for me, I would been forever scarred, further than what I was. I used that pain to become a better person in life, while I can’t change the circumstances of my past, I can share the story of how it helped me.
When Taaury37 was born, I knew that I could use my experience for those who have stories. Traumas are pillars that may delay the progress that we will reach, but it doesn’t effect our outcomes. I learned that if I could count on myself, my strength and resilience to move forward, I could do anything. Many years in therapy and learning coping mechanisms, made it a little easier to deal with my new life. That included trusting less, having my guard up and walls built around me. Even as an adult those were very hard to pull down, when you break the trust of a child, it’s still hard retain as a grown up.
Mom was my constant, and even now I can look to her for support, you can’t tell me she’s not here in some way. The sun I feel, the birds chirping and the crashing waves at the beach, are all reminders of what she was: freedom. That’s what she gave me, the ability to walk my own path in life, the gusto, and the empathetic woman I have become. Without her grace and fighting to get me back from the demons that consumed me, I wouldn’t be here. As I continue to build what I believe is my legacy, I pause at times and sit with myself. She’s always in my head “Taaureane, you know what you are capable of, show the world” and I do, I am sharing who I am, how I got here and where I am going in life. I’ve broken down several times this week, more so because she’s not here to see this in person. She supported my writing more than anyone in this world, it’s the absolute gift she gave me as a parent, besides her love. She was a writer, she loved books just like I do, ahead of her time and just too pure for this world. That’s the real reason she’s not here, I know that she’s somewhere inspiring others, like she always did for me. Mumma, I truly hope with everything that I’ve done, especially with my latest accomplishment, that you are up there smiling so hard. I promise you with everything in me, I will never stop fighting for the very best and reaching that mountain. I love you, continue to sleep sweet, your Boo Boo 💛
Mumma and Boo Forever 💕
An old soul taken to soon 🌸