they say that the only way to learn is to be thrown off the Deep end, to fully throw yourself in so you can adapt and survive

but what if you can’t adapt fast enough?

what if you drown in the deep end?

sometimes the deep end is comforting

the journey to get there is painful, but how is that different from life?

it’s painful, it’s difficult, it ends.

the oxygen leaves your lungs as you thrash around attempting to get to the surface, but instead you sink as your body gives up and the light leaves your eyes.

i didn’t want to give up on us, but it doesn’t seem to be mutual

you would always pick up the phone, looking back, i shouldn’t have relied on you that much,

that night,

you wouldn’t pick up, i know you got my voicemails

then i gave up

i wasn’t thinking when i slammed the gas pedal

i took a dive into the deep end.

i’m kind of mad i learned how to swim.

the water was nice, cold and numbing

but my body betrayed my mind, worked against myself, opposed my emotions

i came back to, regretting everything

but most of all

i regret you.

no, i could never do that,

actually, i’m not sure

it hurts, to remember what we had, memories replay as i watch them on the dull screen in my mind

replaying, retrying, recommitting to you

and committing myself to a bitter end

drowning, desperate for air

maybe i could be reborn as a fish, the ocean seems peaceful, albeit dangerous

i like space better though

you’d know this though, back when you cared

cared enough to not Ghost me

maybe i could be a ghost, so we could match.

as a ghost, i’d be able to float through space

see the stars

i used to do that with you, you helped me see the stars

i’m sure you remember

those late nights where i’d connect my scars like stars in a constellation, hoping that itwould disconnect dreams from reality

i wanted to stay in my dreams

but you threw me into the deep end of reality

you left me to die…

you did this.

well, at least i’m not a problem anymore, right?

i hope not

you know, because i still care

and f*** myself for not being able to give up on a dead dream

of course it felt like an eternity waiting for you, those countless sleepless nights staring at the blank phone screen

wishing

hoping

for a notification to pop up from you, just a simple “hi,” or if i’m really hopeful, apologizing for leaving me in the dark

but looking back at it now, i’m still in the dark

i’ve been in the dark for so long that my brain fills in the missing gaps, my mind starts to create in its place, and places where something was missing are occupied

and it’s occupied with you

i don’t want to hear, to feel anymore

what’s done is done, but that doesn’t mean i don’t miss you.

the water has filled my lungs, suffocating me

as i fall farther into the deep end.

Penned By:

Rtr. Tanuri Dissanayake

Editorial Committee Member 23.24