When I was in my late 40’s, I found myself desperate to stop Drinking but not sure how to do it. I’d been a “party girl” for decades but things were changing for me in middle age. My drinking had escalated to a depressing nightly ritual that I justified as a result of stress and loneliness. I was a single parent, in a high-pressure job, and facing a 2-hour daily commute. I felt trapped in a routine that was becoming more and more self-destructive. I worried about how my blacking-out most nights, was affecting my 6-year-old son.
You can listen to a reading of this post by tapping here
It was for the love of my son that I decided to stop drinking. In a desperate search on the internet, I found my solution – an online Community that was exactly what I needed! The community was private, anonymous, and full of people like me. I could access it while at home in the evening. I could check in online before I hit that long commute after work. Finding that community was the beginning but it was not an instant fix. You CAN stop drinking. You CAN make this the week that your sobriety takes off with help from this online community but you need to be ready to do the work. It took me 8 full months of reading and writing and talking it through before I finally stopped drinking once and for all.
To Stop Drinking I had to Identify my Denial
My denial was so broad and deep. Prior to joining the online community, I had visited my Dr’s because of memory issues thinking I had early-onset dementia. I actually preferred this thinking rather than addressing the obvious cause of my Brain fog. The Dr asked how much I drank. I was averaging about 9 bottles of wine a week but I lied and said 3. The Dr said that even the 3 bottles would impact memory. Slowly, very slowly it penetrated. I wasn’t medically ill but I did have a huge booze problem. The denial was still there for another 12 months or so in various forms. Denial is strong because it will wheedle into your thinking to encourage you to keep drinking.
To Stop Drinking I had to Understand my Lizard Brain
My biggest drinking trigger was stress. Have you heard about your Lizard Brain? The part of your brain designed to keep you safe? That ancient brain that evolved when we lived in an older world with predators that wanted to eat us? That part of your brain still kicks in now in the 21st century. We may not be running from saber tooth tigers but our ancient, reflexive, lizard brain reacts when we feel threatened by stress.
The way the lizard brain operates for Fight, Flight etc… is not always helpful for modern-day life. I couldn’t simply stop the stress so I had to learn how to change my reaction to it. When I’m stressed I feel overwhelmed and experience a paralysis of thought. Brain design as such, when it is releasing hormones to deal with a situation, will not overtly distinguish between a saber tooth tiger wanting to snack on you and say you having some work stress. The brain can react and escalate a situation at work, a FaceBook snub, a text where an ‘x’ was omitted, to ‘crisis’ level leaving you broadly in a Fight, Flight, Freeze, Flop or Friend response that would work well a few thousand years ago but not so well now. This is why for many, alcohol can become habit-forming. because when these trauma behaviors hit, they are very uncomfortable and we don’t really have an appropriate outlet. Alcohol can ‘dampen’ these uncomfortable responses very quickly. When you drink you “evolve” that survival brain to see alcohol as the answer to danger.
To stop drinking I needed to train myself to climb down a bit from a bad situation and look at it objectively.
I needed to train myself to sit quietly and evaluate the situation for what it really was.
This can be tricky when the paranoid boozer in us gets involved. I self-sabotaged when I was drinking and I always told myself ‘that was a hideous day at work! – It wasn’t. That day was normal or even fine but I had to legitimize my drinking so saying it was ‘fine’ wouldn’t do. I needed an excuse to feel STRESS!
Sometimes I just couldn’t be arsed with recovery and I wouldn’t stand up for myself when my brain told me I needed to drink. Sometimes I got bored with the stopping, sometimes a craving would hit and I would just roll over and go with it. It took me a long time to understand why I was apparently indulging in blatant self-sabotage.
To move forward after these slips I had rules. Rules that made the negative experience helpful. IF I SLIPPED I HAD TO OUT MYSELF IN A POST TO MY COMMUNITY, and during my slip, I HAD TO THINK AND WRITE DOWN HOW IT WAS IN REALITY – was that bottle of wine everything I’d expected it to be, or was it a huge disappointment? Was it a glass, like I had planned, or a bottle .. or two? This lead to the understanding, that what was happening was that I was falling into old tried and tested ways of being at certain times – generally when I was tired or a bit overloaded.
So, my point is, get your thoughts out there – question your assumptions about what is really in it for you when it comes to drinking. You are changing but your brain needs a little time to embed those changes and sometimes it will trick you, by questioning what is really going on you will speed up the change process and it will smooth out a lot.
As I raised my awareness through introspection and the help of others in the community, an almost natural change occurred. So much so that during my last two slips, where as usual I bought the amount required to do the job, but the magic of getting drunk had dissipated. I wasn’t in a rosy glow of muted calm – it was boring and a bit of a prison – couldn’t drive, felt sluggish etc.. Both times I ended up throwing out the wine because getting it down my neck wasn’t nice – it was a bit of a struggle.
I had to learn to surf the urge when I found my lizard brain demanding the alcohol that I had taught it was the answer to stress.
Take the time to take 1 minute, 5 minutes, one hour, two hours, one day at a time, and surf that urge. Eat, meditate, walk, wash up, wash the car whatever it takes but look at what is happening with curiosity – that will bring the response down to something that is manageable.
Is this a life-threatening situation?
Will alcohol really solve the dilemma?
And remember, if it is still really hard it will fizzle out of it’s own accord after 2 to 2.5 hours or so.
When you drink habitually, not only does your brain learn that it needs alcohol to survive, but the withdrawal symptoms that you suffer when you stop can cause anxiety, stress, depression, and fear. That empty nervous feeling that at first, can only be appeased by adding back the alcohol.
You can only change what you are aware of.
When I would tell myself that I needed to do something about my drinking I thought that I was aware of my problem, but I was only looking at the surface. It is easy to say “I drink too much” but quite another thing to fix that problem. To drop that dialogue of denial- “maybe I’m not that bad … one more drink can’t hurt…I’ll stop tomorrow” – I had to dig deep.
The way that I finally stopped was based on developing self-awareness of my habit. What it took to stop drinking for me was really taking responsibility for what I was doing by looking at it honestly and openly in a safe space where I could talk it through with a group of people who understood the behavior because they had done it too. I joined an online community called Hello Sunday Morning in the beginning, where I could post anonymously and privately to other people like me. People who were not comfortable joining the traditional programs, like AA and Smart Recovery, but were ready to stop drinking, at least for a while.
In that online community which has since been closed, and now in the new online community that I am a part of, we posted about everything that we were going through as we adjusted to life alcohol-free. I could talk about the things that I kept secret from the real world. Sharing helped me ‘get’ that I wasn’t a heap of crap mother/person to have gotten so deep into drinking. The group and the posting were pivotal to my efforts because they kept me focused and accountable.
Posting and Neuroplasticity :
My experience with the old Hello Sunday Morning web platform that I joined in 2014, and our new online community Boom Rethink the Drink, is that they not only helped me stop drinking, but they helped me be happy about being sober. The community system of posting and commenting, supporting each other from day one and before, to years and years alcohol-free, encourages you to reach back and help the next person coming along, which feels great to you but also keeps the community growing and working together. Everyone is invested in themselves and invested in each other. The definition of great teamwork!
It is hard to break the status quo in a world where alcohol is the only drug that people will question you for not using. It takes teamwork!
Through posting in an anonymous online community, you can talk about your fears and achievements and explore them further. You can help others, and find solutions to things that you’re struggling with, things that are bothering you. Within a very short period of time, you gather experience and knowledge that can be so helpful to new members, and by reaching back and helping people out, not only do you embed your knowledge in your brain but you get a tremendous high! Every time you post, every time you comment, every time you welcome a new member, you strengthen your new sober neuropathways.
Through interacting in these online communities I have found the answer to loving life alcohol-free in Neuro-Science and ‘neuroplasticity’. The science behind how we can learn and develop a new way of being.
What neuroscience now understands is that our brains continually grow and expand and we can literally overwrite the patterns of ‘must drink hard and fast now’ with something nicer, freer and something that is much less restricting than being a boozer. But that takes effort and engagement on your part: You need to exercise those developing neuro-pathways in your brain so that they become the dominant preferred way of thinking and being. Writing in an online community is a great way to do that.
Neuro-plasticity is fascinating and for me, it kind of sealed the deal and gave me that extra layer of long term sober confidence: Check out The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis
I reckon online support works because of the constant access to non-judgmental advice from those who know what it’s like and have direct experience. Compared to maybe an hour a week with a therapist in the real world, access online is pretty much always to hand. I do think that you do need to be active daily if the community is going to work. To kind of put your money where your mouth is and engage with the community. I got ideas that sometimes were really tough to apply but they worked.
Get excited; what you’re embarking on is hard work for sure and you’ll be digging deep time and again – BUT STOPPING DRINKING IS LIKELY TO BE IN YOUR TOP FIVE LIFE ACHIEVEMENTS. Start to grab back you, be able to trust you again. Commit to a lifetime of learning and personal development.
Soooo, come hang out with us if you want to stop drinking. Help yourself and help others. Write posts, get it all out, say hello to the newbies, and tell them what worked for you. The first time you get a Thank you ! when you’ve helped someone is just the best, and that feeling again helps those developing neuropathways bed down and get stronger.
By the way, in June of 2022 I will be 7 years AF and I am still getting new benefits to my new lifestyle.
Come try it out with us in BOOM Rethink the Drink
Getting your head around stopping drinking can take some time. This is simply because we are so well used to this method of dealing with problems and it feels easy and nice to simply drink the problems away. Stress will always trigger addictive behavior. When we’re stressed we experience ‘cognitive overload’ and feel overwhelmed. That’s when it’s hardest not to revert to tried and tested means to get away from those uncomfortable feelings. On top of that comfortable routine, buying booze, the decision to do so, the handing over of the money, releases dopamine in our brains so we get an immediate reward, release, relax sensation even before pouring the first drink.
So to STOP drinking or CHANGE this chain reaction we really do need to pull out all the stops. You do have to dig deep now and for the foreseeable and there really is no wriggle room on that one. The following is what worked for me and I hope will help you:
Make stopping your No 1 priority for the time being:
In the community post often and comment on other people’s posts mindfully. Read recovery books, films, blogs – everything.
Understand your drinking problem:
This is personal!
Identify your triggers. What emotions and physical feelings come with them, what time of the day, week, month, year do they appear. Which situations or people make you feel like a drink? Can you set up boundaries to protect yourself?
Start judging yourself less harshly;
Talk to yourself as you would do a friend in need. Being mean doesn’t really help…
Define your reason for stopping:
It might be because being a piss-head is quite simply to squander your life. Maybe you want to stop drinking to be a better parent. Maybe you simply object to being trapped because you’re tired of the trap…
Be responsible for yourself:
You drink because of you; so stop because of you – other people are influences for the good or bad – you have a choice so make it the right one.
Make a plan:
When a craving hits; my head had no space for anything other than getting a drink down my neck so you need a simple plan to follow. I’d recommend that when you commit to your plan you commit to following it NO MATTER WHAT. My plan included eating before my key trigger time of 4 pm (booze likes an empty stomach), no shops after 2 pm (for me this went on for 4 months until I felt ‘safe’).
I dropped negative influences and picked up positive new ones. I’m still friends with some of the people I used to drink with but my priorities have changed. I now put positive people first because I don’t want to be dragged down ever again. So look to people who will help you raise the bar.
Personally, I did not socialize (where booze was around) for a year.
Your plan might include a bottom line; if this approach doesn’t work then you seek professional real-world help. My version of this was if I couldn’t make the online community work for me I would go to AA (I really didn’t want to do that) and that bottom line worked for me because I would have to honor it if needed.
A plan can be as loose or as laid out as you want. If you don’t have a plan, I would strongly recommend working one out – if it doesn’t work then you can always leave it can’t you?
Accept this will take time and believe that the long-termers here, when they say it is so much better being sober, they are telling the truth – And yes we were as bad as you.
Develop Helpful Strategies:
There are loads of these; I needed to really chill, others need to keep busy; surfing an urge works, looking at a craving with curiosity works, try mindfulness; dip your toe into therapies that appeal – I tried acupuncture and tapping. I found a way to calm myself and practiced it daily: For me, this is meditation, yoga, and gratitude …. Maybe discuss what your strategies might look like in your post?
Bring in newer habits that replace your boozing habit. This was very very important for me and I am still working on this.
It used to be that sobriety was about saying ‘no’, and that works to a degree, but stopping habitual, addictive behavior through willpower alone is not the best solution. You deserve a fuller life than a drinking life but you’ve spent energy and time and money getting into this trap and it will take a lot of effort to get out of it. If you view this as an opportunity and an adventure (it really is this so do feel excited :)) you will start to replace negativity with positivity and this will lead to GREAT CHANGE
With support you can do this; just accept it might be bumpy and difficult at times – but no one here who stopped regrets it and no one who said no to a drink ever regretted it.
Rethink the Drink… You are Worth it!
This short video tells a bit of my story and what worked for me :
How I Stopped Slipping and Stayed Sober
Start with a Plan
When my plan was ready to use it kind of looked like this:
- List ALL Drinking Triggers:
- When do they happen during the day week month year e.g. 4pm
- What situations mix with times to create a powerful trigger e.g. commuting home past shops
- What emotions do I recognise (and for me I escalated these emotions) e.g stress and tension
- Are there other behaviours or traits that collide to make drinking more needed e.g. hunger, a list of fking jobs at the end of the working day, reliving negative conversations that may or may not have happened in reality
- You can add your triggers to this post in BOOm What Triggers You and make sure that you understand H.A.L.T
- What do I want to achieve
- Stop drinking forever and happily
- HOW Examples include
- Read recovery books, TED talks, YOUTUBE – immerse yourself in all things recovery – it is a fascinating subject
- Looking at a craving with curiosity: Surf the Urge
- Eat well before trigger times
- Meditate, tap, therapy, massage, yoga, acupuncture, exercise, keep busy, binge netflix, cook/don’t cook, ice cream/suer healthy whatever you fancy – ideas here If you are Struggling with Anger or Anxiety or Depression…
- Post progress, post issues, post revelations, post thoughts,
- Help and advise newbies – this is super important and gives you a sense of achievement and it will make you realise how far you have come within a really short time (by day 5 on BOOM you can easily be ready to support others starting with a welcome, encourage posting by asking questions…)
- Rules that will help you when in craving situations E.g No shops after 2pm, eat and post before acting on an impulse. If I asked for advice on BOOM and people gave that advice I would give it a go – scariest one was when someone suggested posting before a slip (I never drank when I put a post out saying that I tought I was going to slip – you need to dig deep really and describe what is going on and why…. Basically you are ‘getting it out there in a constructuve way).
- Blog your journey here on BOOM, it will really help you and others which is magical: You are very very welcome to blog in the Seventh Heaven area
- Be accountable to you and your plan – if it’s not working for you change it so it does
- Work out what drinking costs you: Financially, Physically, Emotionally, IMpact on Family and Friends…
- Milestones: That you would like to achieve (a reward is great here)
- Rewards: E.g. Sober Flowers Friday, Spa, try something new, hire a cleaner once a month, week (this was major for me and it might sound trite but it removed a massive stressor that I would escalate commuting home)
- What to do if it goes to shit E.g. learn from the experience, look at how you felt before during and after the slip, what to do next time in that situation
And learn more from these posts on our blog.
How I Became Alcohol-Free. Thoughts on Neuroplasticity and Neurogenesis
My Beautiful Mind at 1,000 days Sober
If you’re “sober curious” … If you are drinking too much too often and want to stop or take a break…or if you have stopped drinking and are trying to stick to sober! Talk to Us.
We are an independent, anonymous and private community who share resources, support and talk it through every day. It helps to have a community behind you in a world where alcohol is the only addictive drug that people will question you for NOT using
You can read more about us Here And join Here
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