The list of things our children need from us can sometimes seem never-ending. But really if you dig deep down there are a few things that are absolutely vital, especially when it comes to raising girls. Here are 7 things a Daughter truly needs from her mother.

I was away last week to spend a few days with some girlfriends for a much needed time of rest. And as I got home late, I stepped into my girls’ room just to get a good look at them. Standing there, my heart almost burst at my longing to give those sweet faces anything and everything they could ever need.

I walked away feeling a bit overwhelmed at my Love for my girls and all that I wanted for them. It made me realize how influential my relationship is with them, so I began a long list in my mind of ways to nourish their hearts — emotionally, spiritually, and physically give them what they need.

Cultural Pressures

Being a woman in our culture isn’t easy. There is so much pressure to look and perform a certain way, raise a family, have a career, or perfect home, and the list goes on. My mother was so great at demonstrating with her life what’s important, and I thank God for the healthy example I was blessed with every day. I hope and pray to pass this on to my daughters as I help them navigate what it means to understand their identity.

As much as we would love to give our daughters everything under the sun, what they truly need from us can be boiled down to a few vital things. 

7 Things a Daughter Needs from Her Mother in Today’s Culture

Your Daughter Needs Your Honesty so She Can Trust You

Our children, first and foremost, need to know truth. The truth about who God is and how their identity can be ultimately found in Him, and not what the world or culture says is true about them. This truth will ground them and give them the stability to deal with everything else that life throws at them.

As adults, we know that a better understanding of our identity in Christ is what will carry us through the lies the world tells us about ourselves — what makes us beautiful, smart, or desirable; what things truly have value and what things are a waste of our time. 

Be honest with your daughter. Tell her the truth when she asks hard questions.

We were running errands a couple of weeks ago, and my five-year-old shouts from the back, “How exactly does a baby get out of your body!” My first instinct was to put her off; I wanted to answer the question at the right time with a 5 point presentation prepared, but instead, I simply told her the truth.

It has led to many other questions and sweet moments, as she feels free to ask me anything that is on her mind because we have built that trust in our relationship. She trusts me to answer her as honestly as I can, which paves the way for a relationship grounded in her trusting me with everything. 

She Needs Your Unconditional Acceptance  

One of the most basic human needs is to be accepted. I want our girls to know that we accept them, not only because they accomplished something, performed well, or did something that made us happy. We are to love them as Christ loves us, which is not conditional to performance.

Tim Keller describes God’s care for our hearts like this, “God sees us as we are, loves us as we are, and accepts us as we are. But by His grace, He does not leave us as we are.” By His grace, we can love our children this same way.

Performance

Because you don’t want your daughter to think that your approval of her is based on how she performs — whether in school, sports or even in behavior — it’s vital that you show her your acceptance even in her failures. Rejoice with her in these accomplishments, but make sure she feels confident in your love with or without doing something special. Make sure she knows that to you, an act of kindness, is more important than a soccer goal. That being selfless is more important than getting an A on an exam.

Above all, make sure you lavish them with love when they misbehave, need correction, or missed a note at their piano recital. Love your daughter because she is exactly who God created her to be.

Looks

Your daughter needs to know that she is beautiful; that the way God knit her together is just perfect no matter how close or far it is from our current cultural standard of beauty. I have two beautiful biracial daughters, ages 9 and 5, and I’ve already witnessed them, once in a while, wishing they had long straight hair.

It’s my job to let them know that their wild curls are amazing! Our daughters receive a thousand messages a day from magazines, commercials, or peers that there is one best way to look, one body type that is perfect. We need to be combating these lies ferociously every chance we get. 

My two daughters are already built very differently, and I often pray that they will both be able to rejoice in the way that God created their bodies and not waste any time wishing they were different than they are. I have struggled with this often in my life, and by God’s grace, I will teach my daughters something different. We talk about exercise and eating healthy in the context of taking care of the bodies God gave us, not to stay thin or adjust how we look.

However, you speak about body image in your home; make sure it is positive. Make sure you are affirming the goodness of how God created your daughters and yourself! Let the voice of their mama be consistently this truth: They are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the whole universe! 

She Needs to Challenged

So many of our daughter’s problems seem quick and easy for us as Mommas to just jump in and fix. But if we do that too often, she will not learn how to solve problems independently.

Let her work through challenges. Take the time to let her zip the zipper or tie the shoe, even if you can do it so much faster. She will quickly begin to build the muscles of perseverance and creative thinking, which often only comes at the hand of trial and error, as well as failing and trying again.

Send your daughter into the world with the ability to work hard for herself, her future family, and her community. Don’t send her out into the world without the capability to solve problems or crumble at the first sign of adversity. Here are a few ways you can do this.

• Ask her a lot of questions to help her figure out good solutions to relational problems without just giving them the answer.
• Give her opportunities to rise to the occasion.
• Give her challenging responsibilities and celebrate with her when she’s accomplished them.

My girls often surprise me with their capabilities, and I wouldn’t otherwise know, had I not allowed them the space to accomplish a challenging scenario.

My husband recently ruptured his Achilles, and my kiddos were looking for ways to help around the house since daddy was out of commission. I chose to let the girls make breakfast in the mornings after being initially worried about the mess and the possible dangers of using a stove. But as it turns out, they can make incredible scrambled eggs, and do it all without injuring themselves!

Your Daughter Needs Your Time

I know, momma, you are so busy. But creating memorable moments with your little girl will be one of the best things you can do for her.

My 9-year-old and I went roller skating a few weeks ago, and I couldn’t believe how much fun it was to see her enjoying something I always enjoyed as a little girl — skating around and around that rink, feeling like I was flying. As I watched her face light up, I was brought back to the same joy I once experienced. It was well worth the couple of hours to make sure her little heart was being nurtured with my time.

But spending time with her doesn’t always have to equate to hours out of a day. Most of the time, it’s in everyday activities that you can include her in on — doing laundry, checking the mail, cooking dinner, cleaning the house. If you’re a working mom, you can give her some “paperwork” to get done while you answer all those emails, or make your phone calls.

Sometimes it’s as simple as inviting her in to your life.

She Needs to See Humility

Your daughter needs to see the rhythm of humility in your lives. We, as parents, are not perfect, and it’s good when you’re transparent about that so she also know she doesn’t have to be.

Here are a few ways to emulate humility, so she can learn it for herself.

• Take responsibility when you’re wrong and restore the relationship

When your daughter watches you take responsibility and apologize quickly — to them, to your spouse, to your friends — they will learn so much about what it means to have healthy relationships.

• Be transparent about not always having the answers, and that’s okay

Humility is best lived out when we admit to ourselves and others that we don’t always have the answers.

Your daughter also needs to know that she is her own person. I sometimes find myself wanting to create a little mini-me! But my daughters need to know I support them in being fully themselves.

For example, my nine-year-old loves crafts. I mean, she LOVES crafts. Me? I don’t have a crafty bone in my body. But because I see that skill in her, we do crafts together. I want her to know she doesn’t have to like the same things I like, or be just like me. She is her own unique, precious individual, and I support that one hundred percent.

She Needs Your Touch

Your daughter needs the regular reassurance of your presence in a tangible way. Whether it’s a hug, a snuggle, brushing her hair, laying your hand on her shoulder or moving her hair out of her face — every girl needs to be shown physical affection by her mother.

My nine-year-old loves nothing better than to lay her head in my lap and have me rub her hair. My five-year-old claims she hates kisses right now but is the first one to climb all over me as soon as I sit on the floor.

Read to your girls or crawl in their bed at night. Bump hips while you do the dishes. They might show or need affection in very different ways, but they all need it, whatever their age! 

I love the snuggles and kisses of early childhood that children require, but I think equally important are the hugs and shoulder bumps of our teenagers.

Your Daughter Needs Prayer

I don’t think that I can stress this enough. Our kids are our greatest treasures. It’s easy to believe we can be all they need, but we just can’t.

Be on your knees for them.

Pray for their minds, their health, and their emotions. Pray for rich relationships and future spouses. Pray WITH your daughter. Teach her early to take her needs to God.

My mother gave me a sweet reminder this week of how important it is to battle in prayer for and with our daughters. Take him all the discipline issues and the 3000 decisions it feels like you have to make each day in how to parent. The Lord knows what your daughter needs better than you ever could. Ask Him for the best and wisest ways you can participate in your daughter’s story. 

Trust Him with your daughter’s whole story, trust Him with your whole story, and then do your best to give your daughter these 7 things! If you have sons, too, head here and read What a Boy Needs from His Mom.

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