Ahead of tonight’s episode of Wwe Raw, Bleeding Cool has scored an EX-X-XCLUSIVE interview with the Higher Power running the show behind the scenes tonight.

WWE Raw is on again tonight at 8PM Eastern on USA Network, and the big question on everyone’s mind is: will Vince McMahon show up, tear up Triple H’s script, and rewrite the show to suit his own whims just to prove that he’s the true higher power in WWE? Dirt sheet reports are claiming that Vince McMahon is not, in fact, backstage at WWE Raw tonight…

But Bleeding Cool has obtained an EX-X-XCLUSIVE interview with the person who is running the show tonight in Vince’s absence… Vince McMahon’s mustache! Yes, the bizarre facial hair of the WWE Chairman is in charge, and he’s sharing his thoughts with Bleeding Cool and Bleeding Cool alone! Read our preview of the show here, and check out our interview with Vince’s mustache below for backstage insight into tonight’s plans.

According to dirt sheet reports, Vince McMahon is not at WWE Raw this week. Is that true?

You sunuvabitch! How dare you question where I am or what I’m doing? I’m Vince McMahon’s mustache, and I’m always in control! Whether I’m physically there or not, my presence is always felt. WWE Raw runs on my whims and desires, pal! So don’t worry about where I am; just know that I’m watching, and I’m always ready to make a decision that’ll shake things up!

Wait, you make the decisions? Not Vince? Did he send you there in his place today?

Listen here, pal! I may be Vince McMahon’s mustache, but I embody the very essence of the man himself. We’re inseparable, and our decisions are one and the same. So when I say I’m in control, you better believe that Vince McMahon’s influence is right there with me. It doesn’t matter if I’m physically present or not – my power and authority remain unchallenged! So sit back, enjoy the show, and remember who’s running the show, you sunuvabitch!

Okay, okay! Got it. So one of the big angles this week is between Cody Rhodes and Brock Lesnar. Last week, Lesnar was supposed to team with Cody against Roman Reigns and Solo Sikoa, after Cody failed to defeat Reigns for the title at WrestleMania. Why did Vince decide to put Cody in a feud with Brock instead of having him continue to chase Roman?

You think you know better than me, pal? Huh? Let me tell you something – I’m a genius when it comes to this business. I know what’s best for Sports Entertainment, and I know what makes a great storyline. When I see an opportunity like pitting Cody Rhodes against Brock Lesnar, I take it! That’s a money match, you sunuvabitch!

Roman Reigns has proven time and time again that he’s the top dog in WWE, and Cody had his shot, but he failed. Now, it’s time to shake things up and give the WWE Universe something new and exciting! Lesnar is a beast, and Cody’s a talented competitor – just imagine the carnage they’ll unleash on each other! This feud will be nothing short of spectacular, and it’ll keep those ratings sky-high! And when Brock wins, he can fight Roman at SummerSlam for the 47th time, which is what the people really want! So sit back and enjoy the ride, because I know what I’m doing, and you’re in for a treat, pal!

Alright! I hear you! And what about the tag match? Raquel Rodriguez and Liv Morgan vs. the champs, Becky Lynch and Lita. Vince McMahon personally drove the old champs, Sasha Banks and Naomi, out of the company with his micromanaging and lack of respect for women’s wrestling. But then last week, he changed the plans for women’s singles matches and put together a number one contenders match for the tag belts, with Rodriguez and Morgan winning. Are fans in for a hot shot title change tonight? And are there actually any follow-up plans?

You think I don’t respect women’s wrestling, huh? You sunuvabitch! Let me tell you, I know talent when I see it, and I know how to create compelling stories for everyone on the roster. Raquel Rodriguez and Liv Morgan are two bright young stars, and they’ve earned their shot at the champs, Becky Lynch and Lita. That’s a match that’ll have fans on the edge of their seats!

As for hot shot title changes and follow-up plans, you’ll just have to wait and see, pal! I’m a master at keeping the WWE Universe guessing, and I’ve got plenty of tricks up my sleeve. Just know that the women’s division is in great hands, and you can expect some fantastic action and drama in the weeks to come… unless I forget that it exists. But still, there’s plenty of great food in catering for these ladies! So don’t you worry about my respect for women’s wrestling – I’ve got it all under control, and you’re in for a wild ride!

Moving on… Matt Riddle is back in action this week after making his return last week to attack The Miz. Riddle has been gone for a while after reportedly violating the company Wellness Policy. Is he really going to be rewarded with a victory over The Miz tonight?

Who in the hell is Matt Riddle, pal? I’ve never heard of anyone by that name!

Sorry. I meant “Riddle.”

You see, pal, sometimes you need to make an impact in this business, and Riddle’s return last week was just that! Sure, he may have had his issues with the Wellness Policy, but the past is the past, and now he’s back and ready to prove himself in the ring once again. The Miz is a great competitor, but he’s also the perfect foil for Riddle to make his triumphant return against. Plus, that guy will do whatever I say! Do you think he ever would have married a woman like Maryse if he wasn’t a WWE Superstar? He owes me, pal!

As for rewarding Riddle with a victory tonight, well, anything can happen in the WWE, you sunuvabitch! But one thing’s for sure – you’ll see some incredible action between these two talented superstars, and it’s bound to be a match you won’t want to miss! Just remember that I know what’s best for business, and if Riddle’s victory is what it takes to make a splash, then that’s what will happen, pal! Now sit back, shut the hell up, and enjoy the show!

Fine, fine. One more thing: Damian Priest. Bad Bunny. Can we expect a match between these two at Backlash?

Ah, Damian Priest and Bad Bunny, pal! Now you’re talking my language! You know, I’m always looking for ways to bring in new fans and create unforgettable moments in WWE, and what better way than to have a crossover between a rising star like Damian Priest and a global sensation like Bad Bunny?

As for a match between them at Backlash, well, anything’s possible in the WWE, you sunuvabitch! If the WWE Universe wants to see it and it’s best for business, then you can bet your ass I’ll make it happen! Just imagine the headlines and the buzz it’ll create – it’s a match made in Sports Entertainment heaven!

At least, that’s what I would have said, if I had come up with the idea. But since you came up with it, I hate it! You god damn sunuvabitch! Just who the hell do you think you are? I’m Vince McMahon’s mustache, pal! You’re getting very close to being invited to join a very special club…

Well, in that case, we’d better end this interview now. Any last words for fans tuning into WWE Raw tonight?

You’re damn right we’re ending this interview, pal! Because I said so, not you! But before we go, let me tell you something: WWE Raw is the most exciting, action-packed, and unpredictable show on television! And that’s largely because I can’t make up my mind and keep changing the script right up until the show starts! When you tune in tonight, you’re in for a wild ride filled with surprises, drama, and the most talented superstars in the world of Sports Entertainment!

So sit back, enjoy the show, and remember who’s in charge here – Vince McMahon and his mustache! That’s right, me, you sunuvabitch! Now get out of my face and go watch WWE Raw!

*leaves*

You heard the man… er, mustache. WWE Raw is on USA Network tonight at 8PM.