A few years ago, I was sitting on my porch smoking a cigarette. While I was smoking, I glanced over the railing on my porch and saw an empty Cigarette Pack at the edge of my front yard.

At the time, I was quite angry. Internally I ranted and raved about how lazy and ridiculous people are. I cussed a lot and let myself get out of sorts. I was mad because I had to walk down off my porch (all thirteen steps), pick up the cigarette pack, and then haul it back up the steps and throw it away.

When I was done, I sat back down, lit another cigarette, and scowled some more. Eventually, however, I began to think of how it was one of the best illustrations for personal Responsibility that I could think of. I think people tend to assign blame, shame, and Fault whenever they hear the word responsibility.

The Parable of the Cigarette Pack

Anyway, I realized that this was a perfect illustration for the concept of personal responsibility. At the time, I was in deep discussions with friends about the idea of personal responsibility. I was challenged by the idea of taking 100% responsibility for all the things that happen/have happened/will happen in my life.

It dawned on me that the hardest part of responsibility was dealing with the idea that those things that happened to me might be my fault. Who in their right mind would look at a rape victim, for example, and tell her it was HER FAULT?

No, the cigarette pack helped me understand that everything that happens in my life becomes my responsibility whether it was my fault it happened or not. It wasn’t my fault the cigarette pack was there. Some douche in their undoubtedly environmental-killing SUV threw that puppy in my yard. They are the douche…not me.

But just because it wasn’t my fault, doesn’t mean I can just ignore it. The pack was in my yard. No matter what I did from that point on, I couldn’t change that fact no matter how much I tried. I was now responsible for something that wasn’t my fault.

When Life Gives You Shit, You Make Shit-Ade.

The idea of personal responsibility is kind of simple idea that is very hard to swallow in practice. Even if you take out the stuff about shame and blame. Even if it’s not your fault, it can be very hard to take responsibility for something you didn’t cause.

But I assure you, it will be the most powerful transformation you’ll ever have. When you see yourself as responsible for EVERYTHING you experience in this life, it puts the power back in your hands. Let’s look at my cigarette pack example.

The cigarette pack was in my yard. That event was not my fault. Despite how it got there, however, I now had some choices. I could:

1. Leave it there. After all, it’s not my damn fault that it’s there. It can rot in hell for all I care. I’m not picking it up!
2. Chase down the culprit. I’ll find that bastard, and I’ll make him/her pay for throwing their shit on my lawn!
3. Pick it up and throw it away and enjoy the rest of my day.

There may be some other choices there, but this is the gist of what you might experience. Let me be clear: I’m not advocating any one choice over the other. You are free to make any of those choices, and you are justified in any of them.

So, what should you do?

Obviously, the easiest and least stressful choice is the third one. But, again, I’m not saying that the third one is the one you should do every time. Some things are worth fighting for. Some things are worth doing the hard way.

What I am advocating with this post is realizing that you have a choice. In every situation. Not just in what you do, but also in how you perceive it. That is the beauty of it. Living your life in this mindset is empowering because it causes you to think about your choices and decide, based on your values, what the most important action for you to take is.

In the case of the unruly cigarette pack, I chose to pick it up and throw it away — grumbling while I did it. It’s okay to grumble and complain. It’s okay to be mad or upset at the world and how unfair it can be. But if you live in that state of mind perpetually, you will lead a very miserable life.

Sometimes you’ve got to step up, take responsibility for what happened, and find a higher level of thought that allows you to cut through the bullshit and find peace.

It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

So, does this work with everything? I mentioned rape above…should I be a “mansplainer” and tell all those who have been raped to take 100% responsibility for it? How about somebody who has lost a child?

It’s easy for me to say “take responsibility for it” when it’s not such a tragic or hurtful or traumatic experience. Can I tell someone with PTSD to “take responsibility” for it?

Remember, when I say “take responsibility for it,” I am NOT ASSIGNING BLAME OR FAULT. So, yes, even in those hard situations, you have a choice. In fact, there is a man who built a whole field of psychology around this idea.

Check out this fantastic quote by Viktor Frankl:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

If you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe him. He went through hell in the concentration camps of Nazi Germany. If he can come out of that experience saying things like that, then any of us has a chance of seeing things in a new light.

The Hard Stuff

So, if you’ve faced the loss of a child, have PTSD, or have been raped in the past, all I’m asking you to do is see the choices in how you respond to it. I know it’s not easy, and I don’t even want to pretend I know what any of that feels like.

I just hate to see good people suffer. I hate to see good people beat themselves up. I hate to see good women blame themselves for the actions of monsters. Please, please, PLEASE, don’t misinterpret what I’m saying as fault or blame.

But haven’t you suffered enough? Maybe there is a way you can find peace with your situation. Maybe the first step is finding a therapist who will spend the time with you and help you walk through the experience and find peace and hope again.

Maybe you’ve been beating yourself up for a long time. Maybe you’ve been playing the “what if” game. What if you had done something differently? Maybe you wouldn’t have had to experience the immense and bottomless pit of pain that came from the experience.

Life is hard. We are all getting beat up  by life. Our past experiences do not define us. Our choices are what define us. What we do with our experience…how we process our experience…that is the measure of who we are. And today I’m telling you that it’s not your fault.

Do you have the courage to take responsibility for your situation? Can you see the choice that brings you peace? If not, keep looking. You can have the peace you’ve always wanted, but it might require you to radically change your way of life. You can do it, though. I have faith in you.

The post It’s Not Your Fault, But It IS Your Responsibility… appeared first on Happy Mindsets.