I am in a really bad place this morning and really it has nothing to do with my Larissa Snowe related hangover. It's oh so much worse than that. I have Phil Collins in my head. See what I mean? Total nightmare.

I don’t know where he came from exactly, but he popped up like a small balding guy lecturing me on the tempo of romance, crooning ‘You can’t hurry love’. It's spinning around in my head like a broken record. It’s all my own fault. I was sitting here starring at my screen, nursing my hangover, when Adam called me and told me he planned to do something really incredibly stupid.

This wasn’t a surprise Adam calls me on a regular basis to tell me he is about to do something really stupid. For instance Adam occasionally calls me and tells me he has applied for a job in a bizarre part of the world. Like recently when he told me had sent an application to work of some EU funded job in Düsseldorf.

"Adam, why Düsseldorf?
"That's a good question G and I am trying to follow your lead and not examine it too closely."

But today his foolishness was writ large and inspired by last night’s speed dating event. You see how that happened? My brain was buzzing around and what does it come up with: Phil bloody Collins. Suddenly mid conversation I found my shoulders swaying as "My mama said, You can't hurry love, No, you'll just have to wait" ran through my head.

While all I got at last night's abortive speed dating affair, was a hangover and a non-date with an ex girlfriend…wait? that sounds like a bumper sticker, if only I had a vehicle of some sort to hang it on, Adam it seems came away with considerably more.

He began the conversation by telling me that he had reached an important decision. This was also familiar, Adam always reaches important decisions right before he does something incredibly stupid.

"I’m going to ask Susan out."
"You’re what?"

I was dumbstruck this went against all the rules. This was a blue-on-blue dating scenario. Friendly fire of the romantic kind.

"I realised last night."
"You realised what last night? That you were simple minded?"
"I knew you would be like this. No, that we get on really well, that you have no intention of ever doing anything about it, so I am. Just for myself and not you."
"I don't want you to do anything about it. Not for me or anyone else. Particularly you. You can't. That's not allowed."
"What do you mean not allowed?"
"Well, Susan is my best female friend and so... I mean no. Leave her alone. There are plenty of other women out there."
"But, that's part of the problem, yes there are, but when you boil it down there are really only a few who are in anyway suitable. Besides Susan is single and I wouldn't mind going out with her."

When he said it like that it sounded so simple– but evil and well slightly horrible like your worst teeth crunching exam hall nightmare all rolled into one horrible combination. By now my head was really throbbing as Phil Collins continued to lumber around my head with his size nine-song writing talents.

"I know all of that, but you can't. I mean, not under any circumstance. No, non, nein. If I knew more languages I would use them also."
"Gord you're not her manager."
"That's true."
"So what are you saying exactly?"
"I'm not saying anything."
"But I can't go out with Susan."
"Yeah, except that."

There was a long telephonic pause, but not a quiet pause as Adam was shuffling and huffing on the other end of the line. Imagined he was twiddling the telephone cord with his fingers. Then I thought that maybe I should clarify my last statement in case Adam got the wrong idea.

"It's not just you, none of us can go out with Susan."

As I said this I had a huge smile on my face as I was sure that this sentence really clarified the situation.

"None of us?"
"Absolutely, I mean think about it? We've all done it in the past. Slept with friends, it's never ended well. You're a prime example and no matter how you try to look back and give it a revisionist spin, it's not good and it's not pretty."
"Gee thanks."
"Look, it was kind of OK then when the field was not so thin, but it's different now. More serious, so there is no way you can go out with Susan even more so as you have form in this area. It's like willingly heading out onto the road to disaster. Why would you do that?"
"I'm not doing anything."
"But you are considering setting out on the road to disaster. Stop, that's all I'm saying."
"The road to disaster? Oh come on, it's hardly that."
"Seriously, it's like the dating equivalent of people in horror movies saying 'let's split up'. I’m just saying don’t split up."
"I know what this is about. You like Susan and you're worried that if I went out with her and it went well we could end up together. You’re hedging your bets."

I laughed at this, I mean seriously. I don't fancy Susan. I mean that's totally ridiculous. Besides Susan wouldn't go out with me as if she wanted to she would have already said something. Susan has never even hinted that she wants anything more from me than someone whose music collection she can dip into and watch box sets of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

"I am not hedging my bets. I've told you loads of times before I don't want to go out with Susan. Believe me, I would have done something about it by now. Besides, if it was the case I would get jealous every time she dated someone -- and I don't. Instead, I just think 'Suze, you really can do better than this', which is clearly quite different."
"So why can't I go out with her then?"

There are so many reasons why Adam can't go out with Susan that there are simply too many to list, but really and chiefly I think it would be just too icky for words. Imagine if they did go out? There would be giggling, hand holding, kissing and…well other stuff as well. And we all know where that leads to: that's right shopping together. Adam, however, refused to budge.

"I'm going to ask her out."
"Adam, don't do it."
"Why? Do you know something that I don't?"

I thought about this. I thought really, really, hard about it, but (overriding my natural predilection for flippancy) I realised that in relation to Adam and Susan I didn't know anything that he didn't. I then considered lying, but I just know that if I did this would almost certainly come back and bite me on the arse.

"Sadly, not."
"So, you have no idea what she would say if I ask her?"
"None, but I can tell that you would be Mr Rebound. Susan has not gone out with hardly anyone in the last 18-months since Robin dumped her. You'll be -- Mr Rebound that’s all I’m saying."

Adam laughed at this. Actually, to be strictly truthfully Adam laughed loudly at this, which really was uncalled for I thought Mr Rebound was good stuff.

"Mr Rebound, that's weak. Even for you. That was ages ago. People don't rebound after a more than a year."
"Hey, I don't believe any of that crap either, I'm only telling you because Susan does. They all do. Women, I swear, surely you've worked that out by now?"
"What? You're telling me that women seriously buy into the Mr Rebound theory?"
"Of course they do. I thought it was bull until I was sitting there one day and I heard Susan and my sister talking about Mr Rebound."

It's completely true. It was before my sister met her perfect boyfriend (now ex-and so obviously not so perfect as first indicated) and she was just about to dump some guy. It was so clinical, so matter of fact, that I could not believe they were discussing it in front of me. It was like being invited to join a secret club. Even if at meetings my presence would be sacrificial. My sister said that she planned to dump this guy right before New Year after three or four months. Right before New Year? That's like cruelty to animals. The Society for Humane Dumping strictly forbids such callous behaviour.

But not these two, Susan told her that it’s no big deal as he was only Mr Rebound. Like Mr Rebound had no feelings whatsoever.

"Absolutely," my sister goes, "no big deal."

It’s weird, seriously, I think about Mr Rebound sometimes and I wonder how things worked out for him after being dumped one freezing December day. Left dateless on News Year's.

It was like Mr Rebound was just collateral damage. A leftover piece of carnage from the break-up of her last major serious relationship, and the two of them discussed it quite casually but made clear that this was perfectly normal female behaviour. I tell Adam all of this. I tell him about Mr Rebound and I tell him that this is the fate that awaits him.

"Adam, Susan – as nice is she is – will throw you out with the trash and you will end up like Mr Rebound – is that what you want?"

Adam laughed some more at this giving the clear impression that he was completely unimpressed with the Mr Rebound hypothesis.

"I don't care, I'm going to do it anyway."
"Adam, I really wish you wouldn't."
"Look, if she says no she says no, but if she says yes then that is what she says. And if she does you'll have to deal with it."

Damn I couldn't believe it as with that he hung up on me in an eerily very-like-Susan kind of way. I wanted to call Susan straight away and warn her, but even I could work out that was not my best strategy.

So I've been sitting here for the rest of the day not doing any work constantly looking at the phone waiting for it to deliver some kind of news. I know she'll say no. I mean she's just bound to. Susan won't go out with Adam, I mean I just don't see it happening. And with that, as if to back up my thesis, Phil starts up again: "You can't hurry..."