I almost forget about Adam after my session with Laura, hearing nothing from either him or Susan until a couple of days later when a very breezy Susan calls me about some work. She would normally be absolutely gagging to tell me had someone asked her out, but with no immediate mention of it I know for sure that she turned him down flat.

Susan is ringing to ask me if I want to write something about the 'Manhattan Transfer' also know as the large bunch of Brits who up sticks for life in New York. Now I have to say this is odd, as I love writing those kind of pieces, and besides we know plenty of media types who have done it. But this is exactly the kind of feature that Susan usually gives to someone else. It's like she's being extra nice to me, which is plain weird.

"Suze this is the kind of thing you usually give to Rebecca to do."
"Is it really?"

She pauses.

"You know it is."

Susan laughs at this, she usually gives me stuff that will cause maximum personal embarrassment. Like therapy or 'Men & Yoga'.

"I know, but I was feeling, like today should be nice to Gord day."
"Oh really, what bought that on?"
"Oh, I'm feeling very calm and relaxed today. That's all."
"Have you been at the crystals for an extra spirituality boost or something?"

Spirituality is Susan's thing. She is tapped into every fad and I mock each and every one in turn, which is why the other year for my birthday she gave me 'The Little Book of Calm'. I it have lying by the phone and I find myself picking it up as I talk to Susan.

"Gord are you still there?"
"Yeah, still here, but I just read that I should feel thankful for the heavy burden of work, I'm not sure how that's going to make me feel more calm..."
"With features like this to write, you really should."
"I have to say you're on form today, have you changed your breakfast cereal?"
"You know I used to really love breakfast cereal. Skinny lattes and fat free muffins aren't the same," Susan says.
"Oh I agree, but then I eat a bucket of cereal every morning."
"And Gord I hate to break it to you, but that's why you are on your way to looking like a bucket."
"You're sweet."
"Anyway, tell me about your date with Larissa. You've been holding out on me."
"It wasn't a date we just mutually escaped speed dating hell together and took solace in some expensive wine."
"Sounds like a date to me."
"If it was that would make every time I meet up with any friend who happened to be female, like you, a date."
"But Gord at least that way you could tell people you were dating, that would be progress."

Susan happily giggles away to herself as she says this.

"I worry about you. You take far too much pleasure in statements like that."
"I know, I'm sorry, but you know I'm only teasing."
"You're sounding rather, I don't know chipper? This morning, what gives?"
"Oh nothing, nothing is giving."
"Really?"
"Really. So are you seeing Larissa again?"
"I am now you mention it. We're going to do drinks on Friday."
"Oh that's very grown-up, drinks? That's opposed to going to the pub."
"Yeah, we're going to be more metropolitan, apparently living in London you can do that."
"You'll be going to galleries after that, whatever next."
"I never go to galleries."
"Gord no one ever goes to galleries."
"Anyway talking of dating..."
"And I thought we weren't? Talking of dating that is."
"Well whatever we were talking about I had a call from Adam the other day."
"I wondered when you were going to ask me about that."
"Well hey I thought you might have been straight on the phone."
"Really? You thought I would have been straight on the phone?"

And it's weird as Susan sounds a little surprised when I say this, which is odd, I really would have been on the phone if someone totally inappropriate rang me up and asked me out. That said off the top of my head I can't think who might do that.

"Absolutely, I would have," I say.
"You would?"

And Susan sounds like she doesn't believe me.

"Yeah, totally."
"Mmm, so tell me what would you have said?"
"Oh something like 'you'll never guess which wholly inappropriate person asked me out'. Then I guess I'd have a really good laugh, I mean come on it seems only fair to share that kind of material."

I should apologise, I'm snickering as I tell Susan this, I can't help myself the whole idea just makes me want to laugh out loud. Adam and Susan, I mean seriously.

"Oh, now I get it," Susan says.
I get the impression that she is crossing her free hand across her chest.

"So come on tell me? What did he say?"
"Oh you want a breakdown? A blow by blow account of what Adam said?"

I can't help myself laughing at this point and I'm starting to feel bad for Adam as I imagine the cutting put down Susan used to dispatch him and his dating request.

"Suze you know that's exactly what I'm hoping to hear. It seems only fair."
"Okay, let me think, where shall I start? Oh I know, like all guys he took ages to get to the point, every time out you lot take your time."
"We think somehow, you know psychologically, that it improves our chances."
"You know it doesn't, don't you?"
"Sadly only too well."
"Then he did the 'so' thing."
"The 'so' thing?"
"Oh you know, we were chatting rather generally and then he said 'SO' in big capital letters to signal a change in conversational direction."
"Oh that kind of 'so'."
"That kind of so, which is just like a big road sign with flashing orange lights to stop people crashing into it, you know what the road sign says don't you?"
"That you're about to be asked out on a date?"
"That's the one. Right after that he said it."
"But what did he say exactly?"
"Looking for tips?"
"Not exactly, just, interested in other people's techniques."
"Okay, well he kept it pretty simple, all he said was 'do you want to go out sometime?'."
"That is simple? Huh."
"And you thought it was more complicated? Well, you know that explains rather a lot."
"Hey, this is about you, not me."
"Really? I wasn't sure."

Uh? And Susan has done that thing again and completely lost me.

"Uh?"
"Oh never mind. You want to hear the best bit don't you?"

And right now I would be rubbing my hands together in anticipation if I wasn't holding the phone. Maybe I could put it down...wait that won't work.

"You know I'm kind of looking forward to it."
"Oh don't worry I've saved the best until last. I'm just trying to remember exactly what I said to him?"
"Oh come on, you can't have forgotten already."
"Oh that's right, I said yes."

With that my brain comes to a juddering halt like a runner who has been powering ahead down a long straight road coming to an unsteady halt at a junction suddenly unsure what direction to take. It's exactly like that. My mouth is making circles, big uneven 'o' shapes like one of those giant wobbling pulsar stars. Just not so giant.

At first I'm trying to workout how yes translates into a big crushing you have to be joking. It's like my brain is trying to fit the square pegged yes into the round holed no, but it isn't happening, it will not go. Maybe if I hit it harder. Yes, wait a second, yes doesn't mean no. Not matter what way you say it. OMG.

"You thought I'd say no didn't you?"
"I errr...well yeah. Adam? God. I mean seriously?"
"Thing is Gord, Adam is a bit of a grownup and he does know a little bit about relationships."
"But Adam?"
"Oh don't Adam me. You're supposed to be my friend you should be pleased for me, aren't you?"

She says it all in a mock simpering voice, which is not altogether appealing - you know if we're being strictly honest here. And I try to say something like of course I am, but my mouth is just doing that wobbling thing again so I ending up saying nothing but a string of partial half words that make no sense.

"I..wh...err...bu...Ad?"
"You don't sound all that pleased."
"Besides I've always thought he was rather tall and quite good looking. I'm not sure I really want much more than that."
"Hey, I thought you decided that the next person you went out with you had to be desperately in love with?"
"Did I say that?"
"You know you did, come on you must remember as I laughed at you and subjected you to general ridicule and said you sounded like a teenager."
"So you did, but a teenager with a platinum credit card and my own flat this time around, which is how it should be."
"So tell me Suze are you suddenly desperately in love with Adam?"
"You know I think what I actually said was that if wasn't desperately in love with them I'd at least have to like them quite a bit."
"That always helps. So?"
"Oh come on Gord, I was drunk you can't hold me to things I say like that. It sounds good on paper, or after a few glasses of wine, but it's hard to get it to work in reality. It's all so impractical."
"I agree, but you haven't answered the question in relation to Adam."
"Well let's just say it's the best offer I've had in a long time. It's not like I've had any other offers recently unless you know of anyone waiting in the wings?"

There's a bit of a pause as I really can't think of anything else to say other than, "Adam?"
"Thought so, look I have to go, but we have a really good feature coming up. I'd love you to do it. It's on hopeless daters."
"Hopeless? You're kidding right?"
"No, it's about this certain group of people who would really be quite good at dating if they only ever got off their backside. When the idea came up at the features meeting I just shouted out your name."
"You didn't really shout out my name did you?"
"Errr, well I shouted, that's right up Gord's street, he's hopeless. Emma, agreed."
"She doesn't even know me," I protest.
"I know, but don't you find that one is generally speaking so much better known of than actually known?"
"No, I don't, that isn't even a saying. You made that up."
"I know, I thought it rather good."
"That's besides the point."
"Really, not to worry, look I have to go. I'm seeing Adam tonight I told him I want to got to a really expensive restaurant. I've loads to do. Bye."

With that Susan hangs up. Just typical.