I'm so broke right now it's just not true. I'm telling this to Alison who has just made us lunch and is burping Caitlin who is now three weeks old. She's incredibly cute, small and wobbly, but don't ask me any technical questions. I have no idea what burping is. I can do the easy stuff and yesterday I held her for more than an hour and a half and she hardly made a sound. I think she's the sleepiest baby in the Western world.

"You realise you've been sitting there for almost 90 minutes don't you?" Alison says.

"It's worrying I think your child might be sucking the energy out of my body. I've totally lost the will to move."
"Oh, you lost that a long time ago."
"That's true, but I think at least I've found a justification for not moving now."
"I'm pretty sure that it will return."
"That's like a major relief, when do you think that might be? I'm hoping before she's a teenager."
"Oh long before that."
"Phew."
"I'd imagine it will happen when she's sick on your shoulder."
"You had to bring sick into it didn't you?"
"Sick a my world."
"No one tells you there is going to be so much sick."
"I know it’s like being bushwhacked."
"Maybe sickwhacked?"
"I don't think so. I didn't think the sick would come to much later."
"Ah those teenage slash twenty something years, they were the best."
"You were always throwing up."
"I contest that."
"Contest all you like, we know the truth."
"Which is why I drink in moderation."
"As if."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."

And of course Alison was right because as soon as I fed Caitlin she made huge long dribbles on the shoulder of my t-shirt.

"That was my best T-shirt."
"Gordie, people don't have 'best' t-shirts."
"I do."
"How can you? It's white, you bought in Top Man. It costs £5."
"True, but unlike other white t-shirts I have this one is actually white, you know, rather than off white or non white."
"Really though people don't have best t-shirts unless they cost more than £5 or are Iron Maiden tour t-shirts from the late 1970s."
"I don’t have any of those."
"There you go. Paul had an Iron Maiden t-shirt, which I always thought was funny for a lawyer."
"You're right I'm think he should have had a Smith T-shirt. Heavens knows I'm miserable now."
"Mmm, maybe."
"So are we talking about Paul now?"
"No we're most definitely not. We were talking about your lack of cash, which you know is entirely your own fault."
"That is so harsh."

I don't know how she can even think of saying that when it is so clear that this is Susan's fault. I swear that girl is the bitch from hell. If not hell then North London at the very least.

"Oh Gord you know it's your own fault. So don't try and pass the buck."
"Oh come on," I appeal, "besides I'm a top buck passer."
"Come on nothing, if you hadn't refused to speak to Susan, blanked her, ignored her or failed to return any messages or emails none of this would have happened."
"Oh come on, that's so..."
"Oh come on nothing, Suze is hardly going to keep recommending you for lots of cushy work. You shot the cash cow."
"That's unfair, I did not shoot the cash cow. The cash cow started dating Adam. It seems unfair that I should have to suffer because the cow has poor taste in men."

I'm so stupid when it comes to cash cows. It's all true. As good as my word I completely blanked Susan after she an Adam started dating. I just got worse and worse graduating from being not very communicative to being absolutely non-communicative. To be honest it is not as much as a journey as you may imagine.

I then realised that I did far too much work for Mademoiselle magazine, which has now come to an abrupt halt. I have other work, but just nothing so regular. Susan has paid me back for snubbing her, which she has every right to do so. But I'm not going to change my mind and as far as I'm concerned I have nothing to say to her and considerably less to say to Adam. I mean what a total git. I still can't believe they're still together, which in case you had been wondering they very much are.

"Susan made so much effort with you. You're like a difficult child, but bigger and less energetic."
"I'm very energetic. I'm known for my energy and super fast walking, everyone says so."
"Okay a difficult energetic child. Are you happy?"
"Yes, labels are important."
"Well I'm glad we sorted that. You've got exactly what you asked for and just what you deserved."
"Gee thanks."
"No sulking, you might spark post natal depression," Alison says smiling.

Again this is all true Susan did make a lot of effort when she first started going out with Adam. She called me and left messages, but the great thing about modern technology is that it makes it really easy to live in splendid telephone screened isolation. Eventually the flow of messages became a trickle and then it stopped completely and after about six weeks communication between the two of us had ground to a halt.

I think at one stage, in the beginning at least, I was genuinely thinking that I was only going to let it slide so far (okay, lets be honest here, until they'd split up), but the thing is when you're indignantly in full ignoring mode swing it feels pretty good and you're really not in a mood to compromise or back down.

And I'm sad about that, I really am, but Adam? I just, and I may have said this a few times before, don't believe it, and unless she's had a sudden conversion on the road to Damascus, I don't buy it either. It's been almost six months.

"Okay I asked for it."
"I know you did. You don't have to tell me."
"Okay, but."
"Gordie there is no but."
"But…"
"No but. You got what you deserved."
"Have you been taking harshness classes from Susan?"
"Gordie?"
"Okay, okay, so I got just what I deserved, but you're supposed to be my friend."
"I am."
"Okay so how about a little sympathy? I'm in need of comfort and sympathy."
"Oh you know I'm sympathetic, but I think you would get rather more sympathy if you made up with Susan."
"You know I think we've had this conversation a few times before."
"I know and I'm still waiting for you to agree an apology, I want us all to be friends so we can all get together again. It's so tiresome having to have always see you and Susan separately. You're a double act."
"You know I think you're thinking of Susan and Adam, besides I was always more suited to a solo career."
"Adam and Susan are not a double act."
"Really? You should tell Susan maybe she'll dump him."
"Would that make you happy?"
"Err, now you mention it."
"You're going to have to apologise sooner or later you know."
"You know, I don't think I am. I majored in Bolshie obstinacy with honours."
"You know I love you, but you're so completely unreasonable. Gordie, face it they're not going to split up. It's not going to happen."
"You don't seriously believe that do you?"