Alison has me really worried, I'd always thought she was convinced they would split up and that we were at one on the issue of Adam and Susan, you know more or less. She's an expert on the longevity of (other people's) relationships.

"I think I might."
"But that's just..."
"Just?"
"Oh I don't I don't know, wrong."
"Wrong? Hmm, wrong like what?"
"Like Ewoks or something like that. Wrong on a big scale."
"Ewoks? You've lost me. Maybe it’s the Stars Wars thing."
"Ewoks are wrong everyone knows that. You don't have to like Star Wars to know that."
"Well sorry, don't get annoyed with me about small fury creatures in a science fiction movie that has nothing to do with Susan and Adam."
"It has everything to do with them as I was under the impression that you gave the Adam and Susan coupling a very small chance of success – see small?"
"Small? That is I think stretching a point."
"I'm a journalist stretching things is my job, a point? No problem, I can stretch that. The truth? Just as easy. Anyway, you said."
"Well that was my initial feeling, but..."
"Your initial feeling?"
"Yes, I had an initial feeling...I changed my mind."
"But you can't."
"Gordon, I'm a girl, of course I can, shoes, clothes or my mind. And at any point. Can you stretch that?"
"But I'm convinced they'll split up."
"No, you desperately want them to split up, which is not the same thing at all. Look...errrm..."

And then there's this thunderous, punctuated, pregnant pause that tells me that news, which can only be ominous nature, is most certainly coming my way. I hate ominous more than just about anything. It clear that Alison has been holding out on me, I don't believe it.

"You've been holding out on me? I can tell."
"I haven't exactly been holding out on you."
"What do you mean nit exactly?"
"Okay, I do mean exactly. Oh look there isn't another way of putting it, there's something I've been holding off telling you."

I look over at Alison who has that look on her face that people have when they're about to tell you really really bad news ("what do you mean I'm dead?"). Her mouth is twisted to one side and she's biting her lip.

"I thought we'd pretty much used up our quota of bad news for the decade."

Alison smiles weakly at me.

"Well, it depend, which way you look at it, not everyone concerned, would necessarily consider it to be bad news."
"Hang on let me get this straight you've been holding off on me, but it's not necessarily bad news?"

Alison nods.

"Not necessarily. That about sums it up."

"Okay, so what's the news?"
"Will you take Caitlin for me? My arms are tired."

And before I get a chance to say ‘well can't you tell me first' Alison is up and off the big couch and stepping towards me. I take baby Caitlin from her mother's arms and all she does is gurgles and flexes her tiny hands as she comes to rest on my shoulder.

"Not that I'm cynical, but I know why you did that."
"Not that you're cynical."
"Look, I thought we were agreed my role around here is to provide much needed sarcasm."
"Among other things."
"Okay, among other things."
"So why did I give you Caitlin, shatter my illusions?"
"It's like an inhibitor. It's a baby inhibitor, you know I can't move on jump up and down in rage or act in a general pathetic way with a baby in my arms."

Alison blushes me a large smile.

"Okay you saw straight through me, I'm disappointed. I always prided myself on being ever so not entirely transparent, but at least I know now that you will not raise your voice when I tell you that..."
"Hang on a second, not so fast. Back up a bit."
"I thought you wanted me to tell you?"
"Oh, I do."
"You do? Are you sure?"
"Yes quite sure, but I just want some indication of the type of news we're dealing with here so I can prepare myself."
"Prepare yourself. It's not an Olympic event."
"You say that."
"I do."
"Okay, you're not going to like it."
"Quite how much am I not going to like it?"
"Well on a scale of one to ten I think you might break the needle completely and utter and beyond repair."

Break the needle? I start wracking my brains, but nothing.

"Do I have cancer? It's that bad."
"Gordie, don't."
"Sorry, okay, let me have it."
"I will, but promise you won't do anything stupid?"
"I'd like to, but really that's not strictly possible. You know my track record."
"True, take a deep breath and watch Caitlin."
"Okay, deep breath," I say.
"Adam and Susan are getting married."

And I'm looking at Alison and it's like I'm still waiting for her to tell me what she's going to tell me as what she just said simply didn't register. The information passed straight through my brain without touching the sides. I give a little shake of my head. To be honest this has been happening to be rather a lot of late.

"Could you say that again?"
"Gordon, you heard what I said."

When Alison says that it's like the trigger and then I get it.

"OMG."
"Indeed."
"You're not kidding are you?"
"You had your chance," Alison says.
"My chance? You’re all feeling."
"You did."

Alison is right. I did have my chance.

"So you can't really complain now that she's speeded ahead. You should have seen it coming. You know as well as, no better than, anyone else that it's what women in their 30s do. They don't wait, they do fast shock weddings, which are, well, a shock."
"Consider me shocked."
"Okay, Mr Shocked."
"Do you remember Michelle Shocked?"
"Mmm, sort of. That was a long time ago wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was. Whatever happened to her? Anchorage Alaska?"
"Now you mention it yes, and you might want to consider that as a destination."
"Really?"
"Yes, the question is do you want to hear the really bad news?"
"Oh come on, you're joking, right? The really bad news?"
"Yes, well again, some people might not see it as such."
"It's okay I already know what the really bad news is."

Alison looks at me sceptically.

"You do?"
"Yeah, not only is she going to marry the guy, but she's going to marry the guy really quickly, right?"
"I'm impressed, how did you guess?"
"Susan's brother is getting married in November, she's desperate to beat him down the aisle. She's crazy. Someone should tell Adam. Second thoughts..."
"You know far too much about Susan."
"Not anymore," I say, "besides it's just like Hayley, she did exactly the same thing."

Hayley was a friend of ours who last year sprung a surprise wedding on us. I used to think that weddings took forever to put together, but not anymore. Now you can throw weddings together literally at a moment's notice. It's instant matrimony the best friend of biological romance.

I can't believe Adam dropped down on one knee and proposed. He's never even spoken about marriage before. Maybe that's telling, men never talk about marriage even my friends who are married never talked about marriage if you see what I mean.

Adam is so sneaky. He was planning this all along. Date Susan and then marry her. OMG, well you just listen to me? I sound like...oh I don't even know who I sound like, but I know that I don't like what I'm hearing very much.

"So when do they do it? What one, two, three weeks? No, don't tell me September 8."
"Oh, that's scary, Susan would be impressed. I'm trying to remember now if you remember my birthday as well."
"Funny, you know I do."
"But only because its five days after yours."
"Hey, can I help that? So are you going?"
"Oh Gordie, I can't not go."
"You could stay away in solidarity."
"What kind of solidarity would that be exactly?"
"The kind that's against poor matrimonial choices, obviously."
"Oh, but Susan would say? Poor matrimonial choices, it really not much in the way of solidarity."
"Susan would say better poor choice than no choice, she's the most pragmatic person I know."
"Oh, I rest my case."
"You don't have a case."

Alison shrugs and smiles my way.

"You could gate crash."

I shake my head at Alison in puzzlement, is she insane?

"Why would I gate crash Susan's wedding?"
"No I idea, I'm just making suggestions."
"Suggestions? I'm lost. When did she tell you?"
"Oh don't ask me that."
"Don't ask you? Jeez, you've known for ages."
"Only last week, but don't have a go at me, I knew how you would react. I was just waiting for the right moment. Anyway, you wouldn't have done anything about it."
"True, but I like to be kept informed about these things. Local news is important. I don't suppose she mentioned me, did she?"
"You'll be pleased to know that Susan always mentions you when we speak," Alison says smiling.
"Really?" I say.

Did someone say gullible? I have huge grin on my face and hopeless amounts of misplaced puppy dog enthusiasm. Alison laughs.

"This week she said you were the biggest, and I quote ‘twat' she had ever met, for ignoring her. And you know she's right."

I simply humph at this and at Alison's minor subterfuge that has shown me up to be the giant sized sucker that I am.

"Well she asked for it," I say.

If I wasn't holding Caitlin I would be folding my arms to drive home this point. Alison smiles again and says, "Oh of course she did," and then gives me a big cheesy grin to drive her point home.