I took some time yesterday to meet with the professor that has invited me to speak with one of her classes. I hadn’t been to the school in a long time and I was amazed at how much it had grown and with all of the changes that have occurred since I’d been there. Their facilities are brand new and top of the line. They are far and away better than what was available at the graduate school I attended. The professor is in her late forties, perhaps early fifties, and extremely good looking. She was pleasant enough to me, exploding with a big smile and coming around her desk to shake my hand and offer me a seat. We sat in her office and she asked me about the movie and I began to give her the cliff notes version of what I had been up to film wise up until that particular moment.
This is the point where I note for you all that I am not a very good speaker. This is one of the reasons that I am white knuckled fucking terrified about talking to this class. I stutter and stammer and I have this terrible habit of not being able to look at the person I’m speaking to as I’m speaking. This comes off as very rude, and I’m not exactly sure where it comes from, but I cannot seem to make direct eye contact with someone that I’m talking to. Instead, my eyes are darting around the room, looking at her books, her collection of DVDs and VHS tapes, and my mind is racing. I’m not really thinking and concentrating on what I’m talking about. I constantly loose my train of thought. I can’t seem to settle down, take a deep breath, relax, and just have a normal interpersonal conversation with the person across from me. It’s a disaster. I guess a lot of this comes from nerves. I’ve always been this way. It’s an affliction that has scared off many a woman that was drunk and desperate enough to go home with anyone. I would invariably fuck that up as well. Yesterday, I was nervous to meet with this professor. I just have this constant feeling that I’m fraud and that I have neither the education, the experience, the talent, nor anything else to really be in this office talking with this professor. It inevitably becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and no matter what kind of mind trick preparation I try to do to ease myself into a situation like this, I end up reverting to the idiot fucking behavior that ends up making me look like a world class douche bag.
Yesterday was no different. As I was recounting the path that had led me back to Arizona, I had this nagging feeling that as I was speaking I was coming off as a lame hack who really didn’t have that much experience and it was obvious that I was partly bullshitting my way through this in order to give me a erudition I clearly didn’t have. Flop sweat starting working its way through my shirt and my boxers were quickly soaking through. Sweet! All the while, she’s sitting there with this smile plastered on her face taking it all in. It was apparent that she could see right through me. I was caught. Fuck!
I’m not sure what she thought. In the end, I gave her a screener of the movie and we made an appointment for me to come in a talk to her film production class next week. There was a quick tour of the campus and the facilities, which, again, we’re quite wonderful. I still have no fucking idea what I’m going to talk about to this class. I’m sure I will no nothing less than embarrassing myself. Why am I going at all? I have the slightest bit of hope that I might be able to get my shit together and put together a worthwhile bit of time for these students. I know it doesn’t come off like it here, [and forgive me if this comes off as pretentious] but I do know a bit about movies and film production, and while I’m positive most of these students will look at me and think, “Who the fuck is this fat body?”, I do believe I have something useful to offer them.
I’ll definitely let you know.
My sister in law is coming into town tomorrow and I cannot tell you how happy I am. She’s a great gal and a hell of a lot of fun, but my reasons are a little more selfish. I know, shocker. I need to do a final sound mixer and color correction on the movie this weekend and it’s going to take me most of the weekend, if I’m lucky, to get it done. I’m counting on her to take the burden of the little man off my shoulders a bit so I can get this work done. I feel like an asshole because of it, but there you go. This is mind numbing, tedious, monotonous, but ultimately rather rewarding work, once you find yourself on the other end and it’s done, that I’m not looking forward to but is very important nonetheless.
On this same line of thought, I don’t think I’m really doing that good of a job as a Dad. I know, I know, another shocker. When he’s crying and fussing and carrying on and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do or how to settle him down or give him what he needs, I end up feeling frustrated. And before you send any emails, I know you don’t want to give him the feeling that you’re frustrated with him. I’m trying to work on my Zen thing and getting myself to a calm place in order to deal with him in a proper manner, but it’s not always working the way I want it to. Of course, this leads to more frustration for both of us and I get the feeling he wants as far away from me as possible.
And it’s Friday. Thank Christ. Although, as I’ve noted, I have a fuckload of work to do so it’s not as if there will be much time to relaxation. At least I’m away from this fucking place and home with my family. I can’t wait.
Have a good weekend, and take care.
This is the point where I note for you all that I am not a very good speaker. This is one of the reasons that I am white knuckled fucking terrified about talking to this class. I stutter and stammer and I have this terrible habit of not being able to look at the person I’m speaking to as I’m speaking. This comes off as very rude, and I’m not exactly sure where it comes from, but I cannot seem to make direct eye contact with someone that I’m talking to. Instead, my eyes are darting around the room, looking at her books, her collection of DVDs and VHS tapes, and my mind is racing. I’m not really thinking and concentrating on what I’m talking about. I constantly loose my train of thought. I can’t seem to settle down, take a deep breath, relax, and just have a normal interpersonal conversation with the person across from me. It’s a disaster. I guess a lot of this comes from nerves. I’ve always been this way. It’s an affliction that has scared off many a woman that was drunk and desperate enough to go home with anyone. I would invariably fuck that up as well. Yesterday, I was nervous to meet with this professor. I just have this constant feeling that I’m fraud and that I have neither the education, the experience, the talent, nor anything else to really be in this office talking with this professor. It inevitably becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and no matter what kind of mind trick preparation I try to do to ease myself into a situation like this, I end up reverting to the idiot fucking behavior that ends up making me look like a world class douche bag.
Yesterday was no different. As I was recounting the path that had led me back to Arizona, I had this nagging feeling that as I was speaking I was coming off as a lame hack who really didn’t have that much experience and it was obvious that I was partly bullshitting my way through this in order to give me a erudition I clearly didn’t have. Flop sweat starting working its way through my shirt and my boxers were quickly soaking through. Sweet! All the while, she’s sitting there with this smile plastered on her face taking it all in. It was apparent that she could see right through me. I was caught. Fuck!
I’m not sure what she thought. In the end, I gave her a screener of the movie and we made an appointment for me to come in a talk to her film production class next week. There was a quick tour of the campus and the facilities, which, again, we’re quite wonderful. I still have no fucking idea what I’m going to talk about to this class. I’m sure I will no nothing less than embarrassing myself. Why am I going at all? I have the slightest bit of hope that I might be able to get my shit together and put together a worthwhile bit of time for these students. I know it doesn’t come off like it here, [and forgive me if this comes off as pretentious] but I do know a bit about movies and film production, and while I’m positive most of these students will look at me and think, “Who the fuck is this fat body?”, I do believe I have something useful to offer them.
I’ll definitely let you know.
My sister in law is coming into town tomorrow and I cannot tell you how happy I am. She’s a great gal and a hell of a lot of fun, but my reasons are a little more selfish. I know, shocker. I need to do a final sound mixer and color correction on the movie this weekend and it’s going to take me most of the weekend, if I’m lucky, to get it done. I’m counting on her to take the burden of the little man off my shoulders a bit so I can get this work done. I feel like an asshole because of it, but there you go. This is mind numbing, tedious, monotonous, but ultimately rather rewarding work, once you find yourself on the other end and it’s done, that I’m not looking forward to but is very important nonetheless.
On this same line of thought, I don’t think I’m really doing that good of a job as a Dad. I know, I know, another shocker. When he’s crying and fussing and carrying on and I don’t have a fucking clue what to do or how to settle him down or give him what he needs, I end up feeling frustrated. And before you send any emails, I know you don’t want to give him the feeling that you’re frustrated with him. I’m trying to work on my Zen thing and getting myself to a calm place in order to deal with him in a proper manner, but it’s not always working the way I want it to. Of course, this leads to more frustration for both of us and I get the feeling he wants as far away from me as possible.
And it’s Friday. Thank Christ. Although, as I’ve noted, I have a fuckload of work to do so it’s not as if there will be much time to relaxation. At least I’m away from this fucking place and home with my family. I can’t wait.
Have a good weekend, and take care.
