Blog confessional time: I am a terrible planner. My friends would never say it to my face but I know that they know that when it comes to planning I fall apart. My brain just can't handle it. I cringe at the thought of being the one who is responsible for the good time. I feel ill when I think of contacting people to arrange to herd everyone into one spot for anything at all. I feel that invisible weight that exists only in my brain to become a self full-filled prophecy of disaster.


I used to be better at this kind of thing but the older I became, the more important my relationships became too. The more I cared about what people thought of me. Now, when I think about how people think of me something very bad happens in my mind.

Here is a rant of how terrible of a person I am.


Right now I am a MOH and I am not doing as well as I thought. You'd think after going through the whole marriage thing you'd know what to expect of yourself. I was lucky with my MOH, Erica. As a bride I had no clue what I wanted or how I wanted it, I was more concerned with the political parts of the wedding rather than the details. She was perfect and dealt with me and the wedding business very well. I am sure there were times when she wanted to smother me with a pillow but held back because that's what you do. My bride is patient, and lovely and great. Me? I have problems. Procrastination followed by the fear of not living up to the expectations.


When you are awkward all of the time and have to lock your awkwardness away to do normal things that society expects of you it's like all the wind is being take out of your lungs. No air going to the brain, it shuts down. I'm up all night thinking, stressing about oh my god the wedding shower, was it lame? Probably! But it was good, maybe? And oh my god the bachelorette I don't have a boa or any tiaras I want it to be fun but I am so terrible at everything I do?! Now when I speak about these problems it either looks like a pity party or that I am really just an idiot and we all know it's the latter.


Raise your hand if you are like this. If anytime you are feeling down about yourself and how you handle stuff you just can't bring yourself to say it out-loud because you know how whiny you sound and how shitty you look because of your inability to just get things done properly. It's going to be OKAY, I am not Martha Stuart of Kim Kardashian. I have to get over the shutting down part of this problem of mine and just deal with it head on and stop being so pathetic about everything. It's not who I want to be for the rest of my life: an unreliable mess.

In short, I am telling myself to get it together. A classic latenight rant is good way to wake myself up just in time to get ready for bed.


I finally made myself a Facebook page: Oceanaria Photography. I have been wanting to do this for a while and I figure if people can have cat pages, I can have a photo page. It'll help me keep the blog more personal with the ranting and the venting out my brain, and help me organize myself a little bit. There you can keep up to date with me trying to make a living as a photographer.

Thanks for listening.